One More Week

Officially, I only have seven days left of first semester, before I'm really and truely done. I considered making an extensive list of the school work that I have to get done in that time, but I think that it might just upset me, and after the perfect night that I just had, the last thing I need is to be upset.

I worked walkhome, was one minute late, earned a (well, another) demerit, walked with one of my favorite people, had an absolute blast together, and am now floating on 3 feet of air for no reason in particular. I just feel happy tonight. Honestly? If you asked me face to face at this very moment in time, I would tell you that everything feels right to me. This may or may not be due to an all around amazing conversation with S tonight ... I could (and will, I'm sure) go on for paragraphs or potentially pages (I'm blushing now) about my current fascination with said boy (why am I so scared to use his name?), but tonight, even that seems like too big of a subject to tackle. I don't even know where to start.

But I have to talk about it, right? Because this is what's important to me right now. This is what I care about - making this work. So I need to work through what I'm feeling, and come to some sort of logical decision about the state of my heart (because right now, I'm not kidding when I say that I'm flying).

In no particular order (although, can that ever be true?) I feel the following.

1. Fear. I'm scared, I'm terrified, I'm nervous. Whatever word you want to use, I've got it going on right now. What am I scared of?
A) if and when this becomes a 'relationship', said boy is going to destroy me. This isn't speculation, it's fact. At some point or another, I will be completly heartbroken, and it's gonna be his fault.
B) If I really am just 'me' ... this neurotic, excitable, loving, passionate, independant woman that I'm turning out to be... is that going to be good enough?
C) 'm scared of letting someone love me. Did Marcus love me? Yes. Did I love Marcus? At one point in time, but not for a long, long time. Maybe what I'm scared of is letting myself love somebody? Because as unhappy as I was in my former relationship, it was easier to be indifferent than to put my heart on the line and risk getting hurt. It's not that I stopped myself from loving Marcus, I think it's more that I stayed with him because my heart was safe. I wasn't giving it away, y'know?

2. I can't stop smiling. I don't really know what emotion I'm trying to experience or convey is, but it's so much more than being happy. Happy sounds so bland right now. I'm ecstatic. I love this feeling, and I think that I would be perfectly content to smile like an idiot all day long, for the rest of the year. Being crazy about someone has it's merits, clearly.

3. Anxious. We're in different cities. No matter what we say or do - that's a pretty lousy way to start out a relationship. I'm anxious to see him. I'm anxious to kiss him. I'm anxious not to be afraid anymore. I'm anxious in general.

Am I thinking too much? Maybe that's just a girl thing. I'm not really analyzing it, or picking it apart ... I'm really just letting this hit me like a perfect wave, but at the same time, I really enjoy basking in it. When I think and think and think about it, I'm not worrying so much as I'm reliving specific moments again and again and again in my head. Just for fun. Just because it's pretty much been that amazing.

Okay. Enough talk about my love life. My non-boyfriend. I'm going to get some work done and head to bed.