love and its antithesis

I was in Send in the Clowns today, indulging in the journals and stationary, the racks and racks of cards, the photo albums and the candy. Valentine's Day is definitely coming, but as I browsed the little pink stuffed animals and the lovey-dovey cards, I realized that I'm really excited. I want to write Valentines for my Drama 100 kids and buy chocolates for my housemates and find the perfect cards for my sisters and my mom and my friends and for Steve. I want to buy new pink underwear, and have pictures of people kissing as my desktop wall-paper and learn how to say "I Love You" in 100 languages.

So, in honour of the fact that I am clearly breaking my "don't care about commercialized romantic holidays" rule, I'm coming back to earth with a special top five. Without further ado, I bring you

Bri's Top Five Break-up Songs of All time
or: Stop thinking about stupid love, you stupid girl

5. Don't Think Twice, It's Alright - Bob Dylan
This song is so bitter in its resolve that it's almost sexy. The line that I've wailed out loud to, while driving down highway 22X in Calgary at 2 in the morning (oh Adam, you broke my heart!): "I give her my heart but she wanted my soul, But don’t think twice, it’s all right"

4. Take Another Little Piece of my Heart - Janis Joplin
All the power to us. Before there was Alanis, Sheryl Crow or Avril to dissect a woman's pain, Joplin was crooning like no one before her to those who broke her heart, "Each time I tell myself that I can’t stand the pain, But when you hold me in your arms, I’ll sing it once again." Besides - what girl hasn't stood on a chair and shouted at the top of her lungs, "COME on! COME on! COME on!"? It does feel good, doesn't it? I thought so.

3. The One That Got Away - Tom Waits
In true Waits fashion, this one's not as transparent in it's lyrical message, but the raw quality that you can pick up in his voice, the haunting delivery and lines like, "Well I've lost my equilibrium and my car keys and my pride" just might make you want to curl up in a dark corner and cry.

2. Trouble - Cat Stevens
It's the perfect song for wallowing or even indulging in a bit of self-pity. Stevens' delivery of the line "you have made me a wreck now won't you leave me in my misery" feels like he's singing to everyon and to no one. It's one of the loneliest songs I've heard and could easily top my list of musical melencholy if it weren't for...

1-with-a-bullet: One - U2
An emotive masterpiece. It just makes you want to be with someone, because anything would be more comfortable than listening to Bono sing
Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
We hurt each other
Then we do it again
The thing about this song that strikes me is its finality - two people who obviously love each other, but are too late to heal all the hurt they've caused themselves. It's aching and loving and fleeting - a breakup song for the ages.

Runner up: I Tried - Jeff Healey Band
Maybe I gave my heart too easy
Maybe your heart was never mine
I did my best to make you happy
Yes I tried
You know I tried

Well, now I feel great. I think I'll round this one out with another top 5, with a bit more spunk:

Top 5 Love Songs That Aren't Sappy and Girly
or: Just admit that you're a girl, you stupid girl

5. You Make Me Feel (Like a Natural Woman)
Just because singing it can feel so freaking sexy. This song is just sex, sex, sex all over the place.

4. Your Song - Elton John
I like its simplicity - the power is in the sincereity of saying someting almost inconsequential. And when you think about it - is there a girl out there who wouldn't love to hear "I hope you don't mind that I put down on words, how wonderful life is, now you're in the world". I get weepy just TYPING it.

3. In Your Eyes - Peter Gabriel
He sings "I want to be that complete". For those of you not familiar with this gem, download the acoustic version and prepare to have your life permanently altered. The song is intimate and it's poetic and it's vulnerable and if it was good enough for Lloyd Dobler (in Say Anything) then dammit, it's good enough for me.
"Without a noise, without my pride, I reach out from the inside"

2. True Companion - Marc Cohn
This is a sentimental inclusion - True Companion has been my favorite love song since I was old enough to know what love was. It's the story of a man who loves a woman and wants to make love to, marry, grow old with, and wait in heaven for his true companion. I can't really describe the song - I think that it almost describes me.
When the years have done irreparable harm
I can see us walking slowly arm in arm
Just like the couple on the corner do'
cause girl I will always be in love with you

1-with-a-bullet. Maybe I'm Amazed - Paul McCartney
No words, no review, nothing I could ever say would be remotely good enough for this song. This is love, in whatever way anyone has ever expressed it -McCartney, with a guitar and a simple message captures both the vulnerability and the soaring feeling of realizing for the first time that someone loves you too.
Baby I’m amazed at the way you love me all the time
Maybe I’m afraid of the way I love you
Baby I’m amazed at the the way you pulled me out of time
Hung me on a line
Maybe I’m amazed at the way I really need you

Does it get any better than that?

We had the chance and threw it away/and it's never gonna be the same

In music news: I neglected the official Ben Folds weblog for 10 (10!) days and happened by today for what promised to be night-altering (and perhaps week-altering) news; news so big that it warrented a second blog posting in a single night.

1. The new Ben Folds single Landed hits radios on Tuesday, and after listening to it four times, I confidently predict an overplayed sleeper in the vein of Train's Drops of Jupiter.
2. The new Ben Folds album "Songs for Silverman" is in stores April 26th
3. Whatever And Ever Amen is being remastered, with 7 b-side bonus tracks added to it's already-glorious track list, and will be in my hands (or on its way from amazon.ca) on March 22nd

As if that wasn't enough (and really, I had to go make myself a sandwich after news like that), I did a quick check on the tour page to see if they'd posted their 2005 dates, and I found out that my favorite f***ing member of one of my top 3 bands of all f***ing time was in Syracuse, NY -- LAST NIGHT.

I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. I may be a bit dramatic - true. But I let the chance to see a live Ben Folds show slip through my fingers.

Also on my mind, now that you've got me started:

- Keane is an awesome, awesome band. They also happen to be playing a show in two weeks in Toronto.
- I need to start listening to more Snow Patrol. I'd rather create the bandwagon than jump on once MTV picks them up. These guys have tons of potential and generally make me press the 'repeat' button on my busted (new) discman
- tickets for the U2 concert are on sale, like, now. How much is too much to see your favorite band of all time play live at Madison Square Gardens? Answer: a lot.

I was looking at some websites tonight and came across an article of clothing called "smittens". Like mittens, but for people who are in love. One mitt for each outside hand, and one big, lumpy looking 'mitt' in the middle so that you can hold hands without your fingers getting cold. Hasn't anyone heard of gloves?

Finally (yes, I'm going back to my essay) check out this site: http://www.nataliedee.com/store.php
Click on the list that lets you read about the Valentines. It's the only thing today that has actually made me laugh out loud. With all of the V-Day fluff, romance and love - this is a breath of fresh air, don't you think?

I'm Bri Johnson, It's 3:27 am, your weather is a balmy -13 degrees and I promise not to write anymore in here until I get some sleep.

just a little time, before we leave...(you are who you are)

The blog title tonight is compliments of my itunes playlist, who has tossed up "Who You Are" not once, but twice tonight in random shuffle. I thought it was worth at least a mention; besides, who better to quote than the reluctant hero himself?

I owe this blog two things, neither of which will happen tonight.

1. A recount of my weekend with Stephen, with a particular focus on how amazing/breath taking/perfect of a night Charity Ball was.
2. An update on my New Year's resolutions. It's been, what - a month? I figure I should keep tabs on myself if I really want to improve myself.

I'm at the beginning of an unprecedentedly bleak hell week -- thus no major entries until later. I'll reward myself on Saturday with a huge blog update and a morning to sleep in; until then, my task is as follows:

Due Monday:
- U of T grad school application
- drama 100 class notes (typed)
- drama 318 essay on intercultural identity in Chaudhuri's depiction of The Elephant Vanishes in Japan
- drama 318 1-page response to weekend readings

Due Tuesday:
- Art History discussion proposal on renaissance paint colours (??)

Due Wednesday:
- drama 348 seminar presentation on the Canadian Association of Designers (1/2 an hour?)
- application for ASUS Camps

Due Thursday:
- psych 240 essay on intimate relationships (interesting topic)
- drama 401 performance directions essay (w/in-class presentation)
- drama 318 1-page response to readings

But this weekend, I've got the event of the year (orientation chair transition), and a Superbowl party at Seamus's that promises to lift my spirits and provide me with much needed social interaction. With all the library time I'm gonna log this week, I'm about to become the biggest nerd I know.

Charity Ball (Pre-Game Show)

There is something magical about dinners, dances and formal attire that I don't think I'll ever grow out of. Tonight I'm going to Charity Ball with Steve and company, and I'm grinning from ear to ear in anticipation. Lest we forget that the last two times I really, really got dressed up were the ArtSci Formals (version 2003 and 2004) where I spent the evenings picking up empty cups, hauling garbage bags out to the dumpsters and making sure that drunk grads got their size medium black Gap peacoats back at the end of the night when they lost their coat check tickets.

What I'm saying, in effect, is that this is promising to be a very special evening for me - especially since I'm sharing it with someone who is promising to be a very special person to me.

My hopes for tonight: smooth legs, stolen glances, hand holding, pictures in geeky poses, laughing, spinning, slow dancing (even to fast songs?), long looks, smart conversation, good food and good company, and a post-party date with my boyfriend that could keep both of us up talking and sharing secrets until it's officially Sunday morning.

Are my expectations too high? Surely. But somehow I feel as though I can't possibly be disappointed - there is nothing that can make tonight anything less than magical. I have my red dress, my nail polish, my black heels, my take-your-breath-away date ... I'm ready for an amazing evening.

Family Ties

I need to vent. My dad and my stepmom are splitting up, Heather is taking the kids, and I am somehow finding myself in familiar shows. It's interesting when a member of your family delivers a blow so massive in its implications on your life, that you actually shut down to it. In the back of my head, I always knew that it was going to happen, but at the same time I hoped to god that it wouldn't.

And I can't talk about it, mainly because I don't even know how I feel. But I think also that a) I don't really know who I'd talk to, and b) The last thing I want to hear is that "she's just your step-mom". Heather and I met when I was 5 years old. We were sitting in my dad's living room together while I was visiting, and she was so shy around kids that she threw a blanket over my head, instead of introducing herself to me. Over the last 16 years, she has been so many things to me ... my 'mom', my friend, my sappy movie date, my role model. I have never understood or got along with my dad, but Heather has been such a big part of my life.

I remember when I was 10 years old, and one day was hopelessly devestated; I didn't make the division 1 soccer team AND had my heart broken by the cutest guy in my class, Brandon - both on the same day. Heather told me to get in the car, and we drove out into the country together, parked in a cornfield and got out. We grabbed hands and then she told me to scream as loud as I could. She told me to swear and to kick the ground and to yell louder than I had ever been allowed to yell before. And so Heather and I, together, yelled out all of our frustrations in someone's cornfield, late at night.

And my sisters - what's going to happen with them? Jessie said on the phone to me "I'm almost 12 years old, and Dad has missed my entire childhood. I'm ready to leave". Hannah wants to know if she can kick dad in the ****. I told her it might be better not to, but these kids are seriously damaged by their relationship with their father (and my father, for that matter). I just don't know how long my dad can keep ruining people's lives like this - people that I love. Part of me is so, so, so mad at him, and so hurt. But the other part of me knows that I can't blame him for these things -the only thing that I can do is forgive him. I need to live my life by my morals and the choices that I make; I can't blame my past for who I have become.

It's just - sometimes there's so much to be scared of, and so much to have to rise above, y'know? And with this new twist in the road, I'm going to have new challanges to face, I'm sure.

I clearly have nothing to say

I braved the biting cold and the bitter wind that was blowing off of frozen lake Ontario today, and walked downtown between classes to do a bit of solo window shopping. I ended up with a really beautiful red dress for Charity Ball this weekend, however came home sans one important item: the book that I've been meaning to buy for a few weeks. Oh, I went to Indigo - and it was there. Three shiny copies, just waiting to be read. Do you know why I didn't buy it today? Because the book was 40 freaking dollars. It's not a special book (although I've certainly heard that it's good). Just a book.

No wonder people go to Chapters and sit on the couches for three hours. We're all too poor to buy anything.

Wednesdays give me a headache. I always get so scared and nervous about teaching my class and then so emotionally exhausted afterwords that I feel as though I need to take a long nap. I had the 100 lecture that I take notes in at 2:30, followed by the 100 class that I teach, followed by an hour long meeting for TAs. I think I've put more work into being a TA than I have into the rest of my classes combined - as soon as someone else is counting on me, and forming an impression of me, I find it very important to live up to their expectations. I want my kids to love me - it's unhealthy, really- and I put a lot of work into being on the ball. The only problem is that the work never really ends - I could worry about my class until my head explodes, and I'd never really get anywhere.

But I'm just talking now - not really saying anything.

My Wish List

1. I wish that I could sit down at my computer and write my essays and assignments without distraction. I procrastinate until it's almost too late to plausibly finish the work, and then plug away until the sun comes up. This is starting to seem like an unhealthy way to approach my school work to me.
2. I wish that I could wake up in the morning. In fact, I wish that I was a morning person. I don't know whether to try to force myself to be, or to admit that I'm a night-owl, and try to make the most of what I've been given
3. I wish that someone would look at me, and think that I was graceful. I always wanted to be poised and lady-like. I just don't know how to go about it. I don't think it's in me.
4. I wish people would mean what they say, and say what they mean. I have a hard time believing that anyone really likes me, or is interested in who I am ... and even when I get told things like "you're such a sweetie", I think it's not really true. This is actually a much deeper issue, I think, than I'm letting it on to be.

This is becoming a huge pity party, which is really dumb 'cause there's not very much that I can achieve, wishing for things that aren't in my life. I'm going to turn things around and make the following list instead:

Things I'm Grateful for Today:

1. I'm grateful for Steve, and for our developing relationship. I'm grateful to have found someone that I can trust implicitly with things that I never throught I would share with anyone. I'm grateful for the way he makes me laugh, and keeps me grounded and really believes in me. It's an odd feeling - to be believed in. It lifts me up a bit, I think.
2. I'm grateful for friends like Alana and Ashley and Eips, who are always going to tell me like it is and who know what I'm like when I'm at my worst and most embarassing, but love me anyway. It is SO HARD, I've learned, to find friends that you are going to love for the rest of your life ... but I feel as though I have.
3. I'm grateful for the fact that I escaped unscathed from my hellish semester in the fall, and managed to pull off marks that I probably didn't deserve, seeing as how I did very little work that I was actually proud of.

I REALLY need to stop procrastinating, and keep writing my essay.

maybe I'm amazed

Tonight, when Richard F. Zussman came by the kiosk, Beth grabbed my arm and whispered to me that she was having an intense moment of deja-vu. Nothing entirely interesting was happening -rich and I were bantering about the ams elections- but her comment struck me.

Most people are familiar with deja-vu, or a sense that something has already been seen or experienced. Psychologists argue that the sensation could originate from the neurons in the brain misfiring, creating a sensation of recognition in a novel situation. Others (the skeptics?) believe that certain smells, visual cues, or even spacial movements can trigger the feeling that "you've been there before".

What people don't talk as much about is the sensation of jamais-vu, or (quite literally) never seen. Jamais-vu could be understood as a sensation of novelty in an activity or experience that is habitual. We feel jamais-vu when we "see the world with new eyes", or gain a new understanding/ appreciation of something that we have previously taken for granted. You might experience this if you try to remember the lyrics to a song: you can sing them in order, but realize that you can't recall them when they're not in the context of a tune. Or when someone asks you which side of your mouth you brush first, you can't remember - these things have become so deeply woven into your routine that you can't separate them.

I think about it and I come up with this idea: if only I could live with new eyes - could experience this feeling of freshness as I wake up in the morning, or greet people, feeling as though I am laying eyes on them for the first time. If only every time I kiss Steve, it could be as euphoric as the first time he kissed me. Our habituation to the point of numbness is to some extent a biologically developed response - but there is something amazing in the idea that we can reconstruct our understanding of the world around us.

I'm selfish, I guess. I don't ever want kissing Steve to feel anything less than amazing (for example) - don't ever want to take the people in my life that I love for granted. I'd like to experience the world with wonder and a renewing sense of awe, and approach my relationship in the same way. Jamais-vu - never felt before.

PS - 3:00am = I'm not responsible for how bad this entry must be. Just wanted to throw in a qualifier.

He said something like, "you and me babe, how 'bout it?"

Relationships don't move in straight lines, and life is seldom ever simple enough to be able to map out on a time/space continuum. I am learning that a connection with someone doesn't develop on a single plane, but expands in all directions to fill whatever amount of space we allow it to. There are thresholds everywhere - implicit boundaries and walls, rules and codes-of-conduct... and sometimes, if you're very lucky, you meet someone for whom you have feelings that supersede any emotional barrier you've ever tried to construct. Sometimes, it is possible to pin-point moments where the relationship takes a deliberate step forward, and you struggle through various states of ill-at-ease and nervousness, hoping that there's something genuine on the other side of the wall.

I am falling for someone. I am at once scared and hopeful. I am constantly caught off-guard by him - I am clearly the weaker player in the carefully constructed game of courtship. I want to tell him everything, and often say nothing. I am trying not to think about it too much. Most of the time, I'm frustrated by the distance. When we're together, so many things, are right; however, I am struck by the idea that sometimes people's lives cross with someone else's for the briefest moment in time and it feels as if the synchronocity of the relationship was somehow a few seconds out of step - in Romeo and Juliet, Dire Straits croons:

Juliet - the dice was loaded from the start
and I'll bet that you exploded into my heart
and I forget the movie song
when you gonna realize, it was just that the time was wrong?

I almost wish that I could re-wind my clock so that it matched up with Steve's; I wish that we could have the summer together, or a year, or that somehow we managed to find each other before we lived in different cities. This is useless to think about, really. But I feel as though I'm living two different lives, and have the weakest grasp on this fleeting connection. There's just so much potential, and so many things stacked against it.

What I do know, is that I'm feeling things that I've legitimately not felt for another person, and have found a connection that has developed so implicitly that I haven't even been able to understand it.

This says nothing about my weekend, does it? It probably says nothing about anything - sometimes I think I'm full of useless useless-ness. I'm so tired, and will try to pull it together tomorrow, and confuse myself less.

I was sad on the airplane home. The window was cold as I pressed my face against it, trying to look down and understand the world that I had just left.

************************************

One more thing. On the plane home, I was thinking about music that really changed my life. Steve commented today that "every song is my favorite song", which prompted me to consider which songs have actually had an impact on my life, or have shaped me in some way over a considerable period of time, as opposed to those which can simply be marked as a passing obsession (modest mouse). Here's my list:

Hallelujah/Jeff Buckley
Romeo and Juliet/Dire Straits
She/Elvis Costello
Time/Tom Waits *special note: my dad used to sing this to me
The Ground Beneath Her Feet/U2

That's it - those are the songs that I would define myself by. If I had any more energy, I would elaborate on their specific influence on my life, however you'll have to be satisfied with the list in-and-of-itself for the time being. I'm going to grab a pillow (a pretty bad substitute for a boyfriend whose body fits around mine perfectly in our sleep), and get some rest.

I am the luckiest

A lot of life-changing things have happened to me in the past year and I can't pretend to even be able to understand most of them, much less write a comprehensive blog about them. In addition, I've got only 5 hours and 10 minutes until I need to call a cab to take me to the Kingston airport, then only another two hours after that until I finally get to see Steve again. To kiss him again, and smell his freshly-shaved cheeks, and feel his hands on my back, and look into the eyes that I find myself missing. I wouldn't say that I have expectations for this trip - it's not fair to hold a relationship up to some sort of internal standard. That being said, I feel like little things are changing every day - if I was talking with Steve about it, we'd probably agree that we're breaking down walls. Even though it's only been two weeks since we last saw eachother, things have become more intense - have gotten better, easier, more honest, more comfortable. I'm imagining that the way that I kiss him tomorrow is going to be able to convey just how strong my feelings for him are; I'm hoping that this will be enough. I simply don't have the right words to describe what is happening to me (and I am, arguably, a talker. This kind of stuff is usually no sweat for me).

But I digress. I was talking about how I don't have time to write about my life changing year - I need to be up in 4 hours, and I still want to pack, make a couple of lists and get a good two hours of sleep in.

So I'll just say this: being a part of Walkhome has actually changed my life. My partner tonight, Paul, remarked that he was thrilled to be walking with a bonafide campus celebrity -- but his comment had an unintended effect. It made me sad. For a long time, most of the people who were closest to me called me "Head Gael Bri Johnson", which was great, in a way. But at the same time, I was always in that role to them -- Head Gael always came before Bri Johnson and I felt as though to a certain extent, the nature of my position coloured other people's impressions of me. After Frosh Week I hit the wall. I had no idea who in my life would still love me without the "Head Gael" in front of my name; who actually knew who I was at all, if I wasn't running orientation. It wasn't that I craved the popularity of the job. Quite the opposite -- sometimes it was the loneliest place to be, because people think they know you but never take the time to actually figure out who you are.

My point is that for the first time in a long time, Walkhome has been a place where to most people I'm just known as Bri. And what I'm coming to find is that the strength of the relationships I'm forming there actually astound me to consider. I belong somewhere, and it's only on the basis of who I am as a person -- not on the shoes that I'm filling. It's such a relief to know that I am a likeable person without having to BE anything to anyone. I can just be me. I'm falling in love with walkhome -- with the atmosphere and the jokes, and the love letters that I can leave for people on their sign-in pages, and with the singing (when Dan brings in his guitar), and with the running/jumping hugs when we see eachother on campus. With the support. With the life-changing conversations that I've been lucky enough to have with people, as we wander the streets of the ghetto at 3 in the morning, pondering the biggest issues that we can get our heads around. I've fallen in love with the feeling of being accepted. With finding people out there that are just like me (a quality that I can't really articulate). With an entire kiosk of people singing "Livin' on a Prayer" tonight, without so much as an indication that we were going to break into song. I've fallen in love with the patrons (I meet so many interesting people) and with their stories.

In short, this is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Part of what I'm so scared about, when I think about leaving kingston, is that I also have to leave behind a group of people (the FIRST group of people) who truly love me for who I am. I'm so scared of being lonely next year - so scared of not finding a place in this world where I belong.

But I don't want to dwell on it - my insecurities about next year are bad enough to warrant a blog of their own. How could this be the happiest and saddest time of my life at once? I feel like every emotion in my being has been heightened, as though I'm sensitive to the smallest shifts and changes in balance. All I know right now is that the best part about working for Walkhome, the one person who is so far above and beyond anything I could have ever hoped to find, will be waiting for me in Toronto in 7 hours.

For that one person, I am luckier than I ever deserved to be.

enlighten yourself

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light , not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make and manifest the glory that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

-Nelson Mandela

Question #152

From Gregory Stocks "The Book of Questions"

What do you value most in a relationship?

I love this question, because I don't have a perfect answer for it. I'm tempted to say that I value honesty over anything else, and with that I guess goes trust. It's one of the most unbeatable feelings to know, to really believe, that you can trust somebody. It doesn't happen often, does it? So yeah, I really value the emotional intimacy that you can have with the right person. Ummm ... being playful, making each other feel happy. I value the friendship that's behind the relationship. Am I talking about the right things? I feel like I'm not getting at what I really want to be saying.

I don't have the right words tonight. I give up. I just wanted to point out, while on the topic of relationships, that I think a HUGE step for two people would be to sign cards "Love X and Y" (as in, love from, "us"). The word "us" isn't given nearly enough recognition - that's a big word. I have never taken that step, and imagine that I wouldn't until I was engaged to someone ... officially became an 'us'.

I would write more tonight, I really would, but (as usual) it's after midnight and I still have work to plow through before climbing into bed (and if you asked me right now if I spent the last 1/2 hour rearranging my closet, I would hang my head and say "yes"). I digress. I have a to-do list that is making me anxious, and at least an hour left in me before I won't be able to function anymore (half of which, I'm sure, will be spent on msn with friends, so I better get to it!)

something unusual / something strange / comes from nothing at all

I find that as I drift through blog-land, frequenting pages of my friends, occasionally coming across an interesting stranger -- well, I'm finding that people generally lose my interest when they post entries that read like an agenda of their day. There has to be something more to someone than what they did, or who they met with.

I have learned, over time, that people's thoughts, values and perceptions are infinitely more interesting and universal than their daily lives and routines. This leads me to two interesting points (one that requires another segue in order to get to, so hold tight for it): firstly, and importantly, I'm beginning to understand something about human nature. We are, to a certain extent, defined by our routine, right? My mom is on the west coast and I'm in Ontario. I'm a student and she's a professional girlfriend to Richard - or whatever. This is what we do; it's how we live our lives.

The point is, however, that after you strip away all of these mundane things that make people 'different' - we become so amazingly relatable. When you talk about what you feel and think and wonder, instead of what you *do* every day, you're beginning to talk in what Coelho would call "the language of the world"; you are then starting to express what it means to be human. I am fascinated with blogs who disregard the everyday in favor of these thoughts and feelings that I can understand and consider.

*****Segue******

I was in Drama 100 today (ha - there I go with the day-to-day. I'm a true hypocrite, but please, bear with me) taking notes for John's playwriting lecture. And I found it interesting: as we began to read student's scenes, a lot of the work had things in common. For example, most of the scenes were about students (not surprisingly - the first lesson that John takes the opportunity to impart is that we write about what we know). More interestingly is that most, if not all, of the scenes were about something spectacular, something infused with drama. Scene one was about abortion. Scene two was about gay marriage. Scene three was about domestic abuse. The most interesting scene, however, was about two friends sitting under a tree, discussing the clouds.

Phew. That was long winded. What did I learn from this, you ask? That the most beautiful and fascinating things about others are also the most simple. That a mundane moment can become memorable just through it's own canonization. I became aware that grand gestures are not always meaningful, and that impressive does not always = memorable.

Because sometimes I want to sit down and write about the smallest nuances - these are the things that I can tackle. I used to feel like this was somehow inconsequential, but I'm discovering how amazing the smallest observance can be.

Okay - one more thing. I really like this cut of lyrics from Damien Rice's Amie
Nothing unusual, nothing strange
Close to nothing at all
The same old scenario, the same old rain
And there's no explosions here
Then something unusual, something strange
Comes from nothing at all
I saw a spaceship fly by your window
Did you see it disappear?

Remind me tomorrow to talk about my theory on deja-vu ... I've got a lot of ideas right now, and just need a place to keep them safe for a while.

By the way, tonight's temperature? a balmy -36 degrees with the wind chill. And it's not looking any more pleasant for my 8:00 walk to Jeffery for my Art History tutorial.

A List:

I am scared of the following:

Snakes: The snake is an unnatural beast, with the misfortune of being born without legs. I don't trust 'em further than I can throw them, because I find them unpredictable. No legs! Before anyone goes and says something stupid like, "snakes are friendly" or, "snakes are more afraid of you than you are of them" - well, just remember ... they're cold-blooded. There's no love running in those veins. Stupid snakes and their stupid slithering.

Needles: I'm not afraid of pain - playing an aggressive game of soccer usually meant that I wasn't able to get out of bed for school the next day. In fact, I subject myself to pain on a weekly basis, by continuing to make appointments for my personal trainer Matt to abuse me with his god-forsaken weight machines and treadmills. But I am deathly afraid of needles. Here's the extent of my phobia:

• When my high school was administering Hepatitis B vaccines in grade 10, I spent an entire afternoon in a stall of the girl's bathroom
• I have had 3 cavities filled (and one of them was deep) without any sort of numbing. Some of my more vivid memories.
• When I was applying to schools in the states for pre-med programs, I *only* applied to ones that didn't require a TB test to get in to
• I haven't had a vaccine or any sort of blood drawn since I was 5 years old (yup, it's true - one of my most interesting facts)

Ghosts: Okay - this one is really irrational. I have never seen a ghost. But I don't particularily want to, if they happen to exist. It might actually be more valid to say that I'm scared of the dark - or, rather, what's in the dark.

The Police: I have an unreasonable fear of the police - especially given that I am a law-abiding, seatbelt-wearing, tax-paying member of my community. But for some reason, if I see a police car in my review mirror, my first instinct is to run away, or start crying. I hate the idea that I could ever be in trouble, and I always feel like the police don't like me.

Public Transportation: I had an experience on a Calgary C-Train on June 28, 1998 that would forever change the extent to which I could trust the world. I haven't ridden alone on a train since. After it happened, my boyfriend at the time (Zach), who lived across the street from our high school, used to get up in the morning and ride the train down to meet me at Anderson Station, so that I wouldn't have to ride alone back to school. I will always remember this as one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me.

I am not scared of the following:

Heights: don't bother me. Sometimes I get dizzy when I look down from a high vantage point, but heights themselves have never presented a problem for me. I can rock climb, sit on the edge of balconies, and look over the top of cliffs without feeling like I want to throw up.

Thunderstorms: are my favorite part of the summer. There's nothing cooler than sitting on my porch and watching a storm roll in, trying to imagine the enormity of the clouds as they pile into an anvil and then unleash thunder so loud that it shakes the house. That's just cool. Besides, how are thunderstorms not the most romantic setting possible?

Death: I don't know how to be scared about death. It doesn't usually concern me - at least, my death doesn't. When I think about it, I imagine that it must be a lot like life was before I was born ... neither aware of myself nor in existance in any way that I would recognize. Sometimes I think that the world is becoming such a crazy place to live, that in 200 years I'm not going to want to be around anyway. But other people dying, people that I love? This terrifies me. I used to make Adam promise not to die every time we got off the phone together, as though his vow would somehow prevent this from happening.

I dunno. This just came out of nowhere, and I guess it's now time for bed :P
Maybe a normal blog tomorrow?

The Weekend's Best

I was going to write a rant about my Walkhome shift last night, recounting my series of re-routes in sub -15C weather, leading to a near-breakdown in the intersection of William and King, enroute to Bubba's at 2:45 am ... but after a late sleep, a good phone conversation, and an afternoon of football and pizza with some of my favorite people; well, it seems almost unnecessary.

It's an epic weekend by anyone's standards (well, at least by mine -- and this blog belongs to me, which makes it a universally good weekend. Go complain in your own blog). At *least* two people that I know are basking in visits (I hesitate to call them booty-calls) from long-distance loves (myself not being one of them *this* time), there are 12 hours of top notch football to be watched, and I have brunch/dinner/movie/coffee dates with some of my closest friends.

And, and, things are working out for me. My world is coming up roses, and I'm content to go along for the ride. The next weeks are shaping up to contain a number of epic football get-togethers, one trip to Toronto (which nets me both a grad school interview and the chance to see Steve), a marriage in the family (again, this is a bit off-putting, but nonetheless), Charity Ball (more on this later), BEWIC Sports weekend, a Walkhome trip to see Coach Carter, and a trip to Scotland that can't be thought of as anything short of life-altering.

Charity Ball. I need a date (you know who you are, you frequent reader whose house I'm writing this from). Pending Adam Say's forthcoming rejection, and Steve's lack of here-ness ... Alana -- let's get dressed up in our finest and dance the night away ... what do you say?

Well - a walkhome shift is waiting for me. This feels as though it could be tossed in the "most useless blogs" category, but I gave it my best shot.

In Your Eyes

Wow - song of the moment with a bullet. This is my and Adam's "song", as we decided a few minutes ago, and it's really amazing.

For interest's sake - here's some other songs that 'belonged' to me and another person in my life:
Adam Ford: Soaked / The Killjoys (we used to belt it out when we were 12)
Zach: God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on You/ NSYNC (cut me a break... I was 15 years old, and thought that I was in love!)
Steph: I Won't Say (I'm in Love) / Hercules Soundtrack (I can still say only the first words to her, and she'll know exactly what I'm talking about!)
Marcus: Too Good to be True / Lauryn Hill (sexy song, extinct relationship)

"I Caught Fire (In Your Eyes)"
The Used

Seemed to stop my breath
My head on your chest
Waiting to cave in
From the bottom of my...
Hear your voice again
Could we dim the sun
And wonder where we've been

Maybe you and me
So kiss me like you did
My heart stopped beating
Such a softer sin

(I'm melting, I'm melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
And I'm melting

In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me
Lay with me
Now

Never caught my breath
Every second I'm without you I'm a mess
Ever know each other
Trust these words are stones
why cuts aren't healing
Learning how to love

I'm melting (I'm melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
And I'm melting

In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me
Lay with me (Stay with me lay with me now)
(I'm melting in your eyes)

The Tops of the Day

Top Five Moments From My First-Ever Walkhome Double Shift:

5. Badgering my Partner: Poor Adam Say. He never knew what was coming to him. We had a notably silly night together - I was gasping for breath at several points from laughing so hard, and the hours on the street flew by, as they tend to do when we walk together. The assault started when Adam kindly held the door open for me. I returned the favour (as any good partner would), by holding the second door for him, and promptly slamming it on his head (semi-accidental -- I swear, I thought the door had hydrolics). I thought that I was going to have a heart attack from laughing, at this point. On our next walk we were joking around, and I tried to be playful by giving him a push onto the grass -- a push which resulted in me latching his foot in what could only be described as a gorgeous trip, and sending him flying. It took me a good ten minutes to calm down from that one, while Adam repeatedly said to me, "you're a mess. You're a mess. You're a mess".

4. The Longview Rendition
Setting: union street, devant de la PEC
Bri: "let's sing!"
Adam: "I was actually going to say the same thing. I've got Jesus of Suburbia in my head ... the entire thing. Do you want to sing that? ... or you could at least hum along?"
Bri: roughly holding a tune "sit around and watch the tube, but nothing's on"
Adam: "I change the channels for an hour or two"
Both: crescendo "twiddle my thumbs just for a bit, I'm sick of all the same old shit - I'm in a house with unlocked doors and I'm f'in lazy!"
Bri and Adam break out into air guitar in a flurry of motion

3. an Instant Connection: Sometimes you meet people who you instantly click with. Rob G used the words "I love you" to me on our first walk, and I emphatically returned the sentiment. Our game of twenty questions quicky moved from "what's your major?" to worst childhood injuries, to religion (a topic which I *rarely* discuss), to relationships, to the meaning of life. We both sat at the end of our shift, and were in awe of the fact that two people could become so close in such a short amount of time. I made a phenomenal friend tonight, which is a point well-worthy of being on this list.

2. The Lover's Table: It's no secret that I'm madly in the lustfull stages of a phenomenal relationship. No secret, 'cause whenever someone asks me how I am, I feel compelled to tell them that I'm the luckiest person on the face of the planet. Well, tonight, I met someone just as happy/giddy/falling madly in love as I am. He goes by the name of Ted B, and we commandeered a table for the exclusive reason of gushing to eachother about how happy we are, how amazing our significant others are, and how gorgeous the world is. In between shrieking like little girls, we also managed to establish that we were/are stupidly lucky for finding someone who likes us the way we are.

1. The Phone Call: Not that I was there to recieve it, but I got a call tonight that put a smile on my face for hours afterwords. I don't know about you, but the idea of my bf calling me at work (for whatever reason) is always going to be fantastic enough to top this list.

Honourable Mentions:

• My and Alex's domestic abuse agreement - he can continue to straight-jacket me with my sweatshirt, lift me over his shoulder and throw me in a garbage can, if I can keep pulling out lines like, "if you want to abuse someone so badly, why don't you get a girlfriend?" This resulted in a full-fledged chase around the JDUC
• getting to witness Steve's legend-ness firsthand: all three of his boys (Alex, KDM and Say) sitting around a table playing euchre, having a rip-roaring discussion about his legendary blind-alone hand.
• being serenaded in the QP by my mile-high singing buddy, Mr. Homouth
• Adam "you don't know what it's like to cry yourself to sleep" Say
• drunk Doug Brown showing up at 2:30 in a clown hat, insisting on escorting Adam and Beth on their walk, even though he lives in the other direction
• the 4 c-r-a-z-y guys playing hackey sack in the JDUC, in shorts so-very-short, they could actually be considered underwear
• free pizza - amazing

Reasons Why This Was the Best Day I've Had in Months:

• I got my new, white walkhome hoodie - and it fits perfectly
• my best friend made me cry in Stauffer Library with the note she sent me
• I had a class this morning that tore apart most of the impressions I had formed on the function and responsibility of theatre
• Jimmy and I hooked up for our usual - sandwiches, stories and business at the QP (transition what!)
• My 2-hour conversation with idol-of-a-professor Jenn. It could only be described as being epic. Having the most brilliant person you've ever met tell you that you were awarded the highest grade they've ever given is gonna make your day. It made mine, and gave me renewed confidence and a clear view of my path in life.
• Seeing Alana -- what a reunion! Specific highlights include several big hugs, some random RARS, one very lucky filing cabinet, holding hands and skipping down University Ave, and a Grant Bishop spotting in the JDUC (for her benefit, not mine)
• A quick-but-amazing phone conversation with Mr.Perfect
• earning the nickname "Pony" after a surprise lap dance with Ashley Preston
• Finding out that Adam, KDM, Beth, Preston and Paul are all on my Thursday night static (can anyone say roadtrip?)
• I nailed my marking to the wall, ripping through an awe-inspiring 10 exams in the span of two hours
• good hair day (hey - it counts, doesn't it?)
• not one, but two emails from an amazing person in my mailbox when I returned home from shift

Does it get any better than this? I'm just expecting my semester to all go downhill from here :P

loose language

In class this morning my professor helped us to develop an understanding of what she called loose language. Essentially the definition focused on the way that we throw around words like hate, and love and tragedy so often that they lose their meaning and impact and we become desensitized to them, thus seeking novel ways to try to stimulate ourselves.

We're obsessed with it, it seems - with tragedy, and with love and hate, manipulating the terms to our own advantage as we see fit. I tell my mom that I love her every time I talk to her; however, I try to invest absolute sincerity into the words each time I use them. I used to say "I love you" to M every time we hung up the phone, but in that case it was more out of habit, or some sense of obligation, than it was a genuine declaration of my feelings. My need to be conservative with my word choice is clear - being on love/hate/tragedy autopilot deadens you to the point where nothing means anything anymore. I never want to feel that way.

On love

"Do you think that your first love is the greatest love you will ever have?" Steph asked me while walking home tonight. I didn't really have an answer. I told her that I think love gets better every time you experience it, 'cause you gain the capacity and maturity to feel and understand it. "Is it possible to fall in love with someone who you initially are not attracted to?" she asked. I thought it was - that you could love someone for a long time, and not realize it. I always used to hope that people loved me, but just hadn't realized it yet.

At one point in the conversation, A-Say said something somewhat profound. He interjected with his philosophy (and forgive me in advance for butchering it); that you know you're in love, when what you're feeling is more than what you previously thought love was.

I just thought that was so easy, made so much sense, and was worth recording in my little corner of the universe here.

50 or so things to do before I die

Travel:
- drive from Vancouver to Mexico
- sit in the audience of a Greek ampitheatre
- visit New York City at Christmas time
- screen a film at the Cannes Film Festival in France
- hike to the bottom of the grand canyon
- travel Europe without an itinerary
- stand inside of a pyramid
- visit manchu picchu, the perfectly preserved lost city
- stand on the equator
- spend a month barefoot in Nepal
- spend New Years in London
- visit Stonehenge
- walk the great wall of china
- explore the Galapagos Islands
- climb one of the seven summits

Events:
- volunteer at the Olympics
- see the world cup of soccer in person
- attend the Superbowl (or at least a tailgate party)
- experience Marti Gras

Love/Relationships:
- fall deeply, hopelessly, unconditionally in love
- discover and marry my soulmate
- have children, and raise them to be good people
- befriend someone who is older and wiser than me
- befriend someone younger and more naive than me
- carve my name into a tree along with someone else's
- read a book out loud with someone
- stay awake all night talking with someone, without even meaning to
- make love on a beach

Experiences:
- go white water rafting
- plant a tree, and watch it grow
- be on the "thank you" list of a cd
- see the sun rise from a hot air balloon
- swim with dolphins
- sit in the front row for a broadway show
- witness birth
- witness death
- be a part of a group of people who believe in something larger
- spend a week entirely by myself
- Drink a bottle of Dom Perignon
- experience life as a redhead
- find a four leaf clover
- be an audience member on The Price is Right
- ride the highest roller coaster in the world, and sit in the front seat
- run a marathon
- build a house

Knowledge:
- get my open water diving liscence
- memorize the poems I like by ee cummings
- learn how to play the guitar
- become an expert on something
- learn the major constellations, and successfully seduce someone using said knowledge

Music:
- See the following songs performed live:
Gimme Shelter
I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
Maybe I'm Amazed
Born to Run
Rocketman
Desperado
- attend one really, really huge and epic rock concert

cast no shadow

I feel broken. I'm not in the mood to smile. I don't feel strong at all.

how could I be selfish enough to be upset about something that is making my mom so happy? But in some ways, I feel like I have every right to my feelings. Because any sense of stability that I had, any understanding of 'home', any feeling that my little family was somehow whole again, somehow reconstructed from the destruction we've suffered - well, call me fragile, but it's like these plates are smashing on the ground all around me. My world is spinning madly right now, and I need something to hold on to, something static and calm. I feel like my family keeps breaking, keeps going through a state of revolution, and I can't fix it anymore. I can't keep reaching out in a million directions to hold everything together.

I'm listening to desperado and just wallowing in how uncertain I feel. What an unproductive indulgence. I think I need some quasi-angry, catchy punk music to pull me out of this funk (did someone say Green Day?)

I guess the benefit I've gained from this *interesting* evening is the knowledge that the perfectly-paced relationship I'm in right now is about the healthiest thing that I can do for myself. It's just so ... peaceful. And easy. And right. It's really really right. Maybe that's a better thing to indulge in - something that I know has the slow-burning potential to last for a long time, and make me feel infinitely more warm inside than even the best Green Day song.

please be careful with me

After a long conversation on the bus last night with one very tired rocker, I am tempted to wonder - is there mutual exclusivity between being sensitive and being capable?

I'm a sensitive person. I can admit that at times I feel emotions in a way that overwhelms me. I happily indulge in movies, books and lengthly, intimate conversations over dessert that last until the waitress starts stacking the chairs on the tables. I cry for myself, and I cry for other people. Things that people say to me affect me deeply, even if they don't ever realize it. I worry sometimes about hurting other people's feelings - so I don't take my hamburger back when they put mustard and onions on it, when all I asked for was cucumber. My heart hurts and soars on a daily basis.

Does this make me irrational, or unable to be a strong, capable person?

I used to think so, because that's what everyone told me. I didn't realize that my sensitivity did not necessarily make me weak. I tried for a long time to be a 'rock' - emotionally capable, logical and even-tempered, thinking that this would gain me the respect that I so desired from my friends. But I think back over my life, and realize that my sensitivity helped me lead Frosh Week, and allows me to be a good coach, an empathetic TA and a loving friend and family member. I've handled myself in difficult situations, and have been a leader to a lot of people.

I don't want to be a wimp. I don't want to be a 'girl' (in that whining, passive sense). More than anything, I want to be respected. But at the same time, I have to find peace with myself, and understand that as long as I don't let it consume me - feeling things can be my strength, not my weakness.

intro to deeper thinking 101

My favorite poem, bar the classic "She Walks in Beauty" - the first thing I ever memorized. Two points for Atwood's Canadian-ism, and a piece of work that was the topic of discussion in a life-altering conversation with A, and always on my mind:

Variations on the Word Love
This is a word we use to plug holes with.
It's the right size for those warm blanks in speech,
for those red heart-shaped
vacancies on the page that look nothing like real hearts.
Add lace and you can sell it.
We insert it also in the one empty space
on the printed form that comes with no instructions.

There are whole magazines
with not much in them but the word love,
you can rub it all over your body and
you can cook with it too.
How do we know it isn't what goes on
at the cool debaucheries of slugs under damp pieces of cardboard?
As for the weed-seedlings nosing their snouts up among the lettuces,
they shout it. Love!
Love! sing the soldiers, raising their glittering knives in salute.

Then there's the two of us.
This word is far too short for us,
it has only four letters,
too sparse to fill those deep bare vacuums between the stars
that press on us with their deafness.
It's not love we don't wish to fall into, but that fear.
This word is not enough but it will have to do.
It's a single vowel in this metallic silence,
a mouth that says
O again and again in wonderand pain,
a breath, a finger-grip on a cliffside.
You can hold on
or let go.
(Margaret Atwood)

"You're right dad - let's get the shit kicked out of us by love"

I believe in something, I'm just having a hard time figuring out what it is.

The most frustrating feeling in the world just might be when you're sitting on an airplane in the middle seat, deprived of the benefits of either the window or the aisle (I myself am a window person. I like to see what's going on), and it's a red eye flight, and you want to sleep, but you can find no position comfortable enough to allow you to drift off into that airplane "half-sleep" where you still hear everything that's going on around you, but are too far gone to be able to respond to it, and so instead of sleeping, you sit, cramped by the person who has reclined their seat ALLL the way back in front of you, wishing to god for a bed to call your own. Yeah. Wow.

And yet I keep putting myself through this by voluntarily taking the red eye flights.

I was surprised at 6:39 this morning on the arrivals level of Pearson Airport, when, in a brief glance out the luggage claim doors, I caught the eyes of Steve. Desperate for another look (and convinced that I was imagining things), I jumped up and down anxiously by the door, while the security guard got the entire story of why I was so excited. I was SO EXCITED, and also soon realized that he had actually not gone to bed the night before in order to be able to come and pick me up. I told him he was crazy - 'cause what do you say to someone who does something so nice for you? "Thank you" doesn't seem to be enough. "Take me to bed or lose me forever" doesn't cut it. "I'm speechless" is a cop out. So I called him crazy, with the implicit understanding that I was actually telling him how crazy I was for him. And we've both been exhausted for the rest of the day.

The End (and as I'll be logging precious couple hours instead of blogging, I'll leave this one here until I'm back in Kingston)

Paradise by the dashboard lights

I forgot how cold calgary is. I also forgot how much I love it here, if that makes any sense. The snow is dumping from the sky, flights are being cancelled left, right and center, and I'm sitting in Adam's room, wondering if I'll ever make it to toronto tomorrow morning.

Things I've Learned on my Trip to Calgary:

• there is no major street corner in this city where I don't have some amazing, odd or interesting memory
• adam is really sick of me saying things like, "do you remember when..." and, "that's where you threw up on the side of the road in grade 9" and "I can't believe how old we are!"
• there are some people in your life who will always make you feel good about yourselves
• salt and pepper wings are better when you're paying 10 cents each for them AND getting a 10% student discount (9 cents each?)
• Any Given Sunday is the best movie I should have seen three years ago, and the only movie that has effectively halted my dream of playing in the NFL (it's brutal)
• you can get buzzed off of one shot of tequila
• you can drink all night and not feel a thing
• just because they're part of your past, doesn't mean they have to be part of your future
• there's no limit to the amount of damage and embarassment due to clumsiness I can cause myself and others, given the opportunity
• cowboy hats ARE sexy
• flames jerseys are also sexy
• eating lunch with your best friend and his girlfriend, while they fondle each other in the booth is NOT sexy
• there is no better way to spend an afternoon than with a bowlfull of chestnuts, three good movies, a pair of sweat pants and a best friend
• sometimes, the closer you get to seeing someone (like, for instance, I get to see Steve TOMORROW), the more you miss them

On revisiting the past

I feel trepidation about going to Calgary, going home.

It feels strange to call it that. What constitutes home? When I see Adam and Andrew and all of Adam's family again tomorrow, when Jo (A's mom) wraps me up in a smokey hug, and shows me her newest painting, or when his sister Mickie and I swap clothes before going to the bar, or when Adam plays the guitar for me, and laughs at how awkward I am - will I be home? The city where I played my soccer games, and learned to ride my bike, and the house where I spent countless hours debating and discussing things, staying up late with A just so that we could feel smart and as though we had all of this untouched potential - is that home?

What I'm scared of is that it isn't. That this sense of security and warmth that I attached to Calgary is some sort of false ideal... that going to Peter's Drive-In, or driving around downtown at night time, or waiting in line for 10 cent wings at Limmericks isn't going to hold the same appeal, won't mean anything to me.

This is the first time that I will have seen Adam since I stopped wishing that he loved me. That sounds so weak, but it's actually really freeing. I'm not going to stop in the airport bathroom in Calgary and fix my makeup (he always liked to see me all done up, which isn't me at all). I'm not going to worry if I grind my teeth or talk in my sleep at night time. I'm not going to hold him a few seconds longer when we hug hello.

And I think to myself, "this probably has a lot to do with Steve". And I'm right (one point for bri) Although the last time I think I ever *really* felt something for Adam was almost a year ago, I wouldn't be so calm about seeing him again if I didn't have this amazing force in my life. Call it a buzz, call it infatuation (and so it might be, but I'm happy to have it) - the truth is, I can't stop smiling, I can't stop thinking about him and I have no intention to stop having easy, silly, endearing and lengthly phone conversations with him.

I am overthinking everything.

I have nothing profound to say tonight. I wish that I could express myself clearly, that I could find the right words to describe the way I feel right now. I'm on the brink of something, I just can't express it properly. I'll think about it in Calgary, since being away from my blog might give me some time to work through it. Wish me luck - this is about to be the most pleasant, or the most disasterous trip of my life.

I remember when you could see a movie for $3.50!

I went to see The Incredibles with my mom tonight, which was cute, but mundane at the same time. I'm not cut out for kids movies - not enough kissing. I wish we saw Closer - I tried to convince her, but Cindee is nothing if not stubborn.

I went up to the concession counter 1/2 way through the movie, and ordered a small popcorn, which I was told was going to cost $5.50. FIVE DOLLARS AND FIFTY FREAKING CENTS. I don't get it. I asked the girl, "are you serious? There's nothing cheaper?" and after confirming that I was in fact ordering the cheapest food item on the menu, I walked away. I didn't need it that badly. I usually clean up all my garbage after a movie, but this time I left my Glosette box in the cup holder, just to spite them. Karma's going to get me back for that one big time.

Bring. It. On.

In 2005, I will:

Health:
- buff up: do the iron-cross with 10 pounds, and kick ass with my personal trainer
- learn how to cook (read: don’t eat cereal 3 times a day)
- get back down to 125 pounds (soccer weight)
- drink more water. Drink a LOT more water. Drink only water.
- find a sleeping pattern that allows me to be a normal human being (in bed by 1?)
- begin to be early for things instead of late
- floss more often

Relationships:
- make a concerted effort to get to know my housemates on a more personal level
- tell someone that I love them every day
- complete my letter writing project (100 love letters to 100 people)
- smile at strangers
- hug more people for no reason
- become a good gift giver
- write thank you cards to people who have helped me
- let gossip end with me
- listen twice as much as I talk
- create opportunities to do kind and thoughtful things for people
- let people care about me (lose the independent act)
- hold a dress-up dinner party

Skills:
- learn to snowboard
- learn how to bake a really amazing pie
- try sushi at least once, without complaining
- try to appreciate wine
- learn CPR
- learn how to play golf

Experiences:
- buy concert tickets for a band that I’ve never heard of before
- attend a premier soccer game
- attend an NFL football game
- play on a soccer team again
- have at least one adventure that I would be ashamed to tell my parents about
- go to at least three auditions, even if I have no confidence in my acting ability
- enroll in art classes again
- go out on the town, dressed to the nines
- go out on the town, and drink so much that I can’t remember what I did the following morning
- purchase and learn how to walk in sexy high heeled shoes
- see a Broadway show in New York city.
- dance the night away at my graduation

Karma:
- do something completely uncharacteristic of myself at least once a month
- pay the bridge toll of the person in the car behind me
- become someone that I would be proud to be friends with
- look people in the eye when I am thanking them
- embrace my bra size
- be a role model
- let my actions speak louder than my words
- buy more plants for my room

Other:
- clear my Visa card debt
- read a book that intimidates me
- read a book that I remember from my childhood
- overcome my fear of snakes by befriending one
- overcome my fear of needles by getting one

Academic:
- kick my 4th year average above an 80%
- get into grad school

making Sense of 2004

Given that this year not only involved an enormous change in my future and some of my greatest experiences and most treasured memories, but also a lot of fantastic music, movies and random moments that are worth recording - well, I'd like to take a minute to reminisce about the year that was.

BEST MOVIE
Tie for first place:

Garden State: It was just such a refreshing and honest movie. It's hard to do the love story in a new way, but Braff and Portman enchanted me, and I was struck by how genuine their romance appeared to be. The characters were interesting and quirky and loveable, and managed to find each other, even when things weren't going right in the world. Never have the words "this is life" meant more to me than after watching this movie.

The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind: God, I love this movie. A smart screen play, profound and flawed characters who, even through the abstraction, seemed likely and believeable. It's the kind of movie that deals with love without understanding the answers, which makes me want to watch it over and over again. At once beautiful and depressing, and painfully relevant to being 21 and having no idea who you are.

Runner up: Mean Girls: Legitimately, this movie shouldn't earn accolades for innovation in cinematography, and I don't expect to see Lindsay Lohan accepting an Oscar for best Actress come March. That being said it's worth pointing out that Mean Girls did for the teenage comedy genre what Dawson's Creek did for WB teen melodramas - gave audiences something smart. Add this to the fact that I idolize Tina Fey, and you've got the makings of an honourable mention on your hands.

Second Runner Up: I (Heart) Huckabees: A movie about existentialism that manages to be both hysterical and sentimental, AND features Dustin Hoffman sporting a Ringo Star haircut, and Jude Law as a bad, bad boy? Count me in. But I'll probably have to watch it twice to get that whole blanket theory.

WORST MOVIE

Alfie: It was SO SO BAD. Even if it meant gazing through the screen into the eyes of Jude Law for a full 2 hours.

ALBUMS OF THE YEAR

Green Day/American Idiot: Green Day is back, in no uncertain terms. This album represents a huge step forward for everyone's favorite punk-band-that-could; a certain amount of maturity and social awareness that might have been lacking on previous records. Overall, Billie Joe proves that he and the boys can rock out with the best of them, securing himself a new status in the concept album kingdom. Bri's choice track: Are We Waiting

U2/How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb: By far, my pick for album of the year (but who's asking?) I'm sure you're tired of me saying it, but I'll say it again: Bono & Co. have gone back to their roots, and have perfected a sound that is both refreshing and familiar. Did they go out on a limb and change the face of modern music? Nope - that's what Achtung Baby was for, dummy. *However* - did they make an album that I want to listen to every day for the rest of my life? Yeah, I think they did. Bri's choice track: Original of the Species (it's sexy sexy sexy)

Elliot Smith/ From a Basement on a Hill: Sometimes when people die, their music starts to sound even better - so goes the tale of the forlorn (deceased) Smith, whose friends put out this mix of his unfinished work. Listen to this album on a rainy day when you want to feel like you're the only living soul in the universe. Bri's choice track: Pretty (Ugly Before)

Modest Mouse/Good News for People who like Bad News: I want to marry Modest Mouse - that's how much I love this cd. It's edgy and unproduced enough to make my mom tell me to 'turn off that noise', but strings together melodies that appeal to the mainstream crowd, making it seductively listenable. MM finally let go of the emo status that has previously haunted them, resulting in fast, guitar-heavy songs that say "I don't give a fuck". Bri's choice track: Float On

Garden State Original Motion Picture Soundtrack: It's time to bring indie to the collective spotlight (ironic, I guess). For Nick Drake alone, the album is worth purchasing. Throw in a delicate and haunting cover of Such Great Heights, done by Iron and Wine, and it becomes an essential addition to this list. Bri's choice track: Such Great Heights

BANDWAGON I SWORE I WOULDN'T GET ON, BUT DID ANYWAY

Franz Ferdinand: so shoot me.

ALBUMS FROM LAST YEAR THAT I'M STILL TALKING ABOUT

jet/get born
the strokes/room on fire
the postal service/give up

BEST FROSH WEEK MOMENTS
tie for first place:

The Coverall Fiasco: On Saturday, September 10th, 2300 first-year students painted their coveralls using latex wall paint, and then boarded busses destined for Shinerama fundraising locations. At 5:00, the busses came back, and I was approached by one of the drivers, who furiously told me know that *all* of the bus seats were covered in paint. Together with an economy bucket of Varsol and a bottle of paint thinner, 10 OCs and I disregarded the warning labels about wearing gloves and ventilated masks, soaked our sponges, and cleaned each and every bus seat by hand. We passed the time comparing how many layers of skin were coming off of our hands, and singing "Because I Got High", making up our own verses, like, I was going to run Frosh Week, but then I got high. I was going to go to the semi-formal, but then I got high. And now I'm gettin' fired, and I know why! (I said hey!) Because I got high, because I got high, because I got high. This was followed by me barfing in the Victoria Park Port-A-Potty while Stuart held my hair back.

Who-Ah!: Picture this: 17 girls dressed in pink tee-shirts and jean skirts, no boys allowed, and more alcohol than we could fit on a kitchen table (including my massive container of vodka-jello). It was, on its own, a recipe for an amazing night. Half a litre of booze apiece, and one drinking game entitled "Who-Ah" (courtesy of Emily from drunken Duncan BC) later, and we were friends for life. Enter the boys, ambushing the house from two sides, and moshing to "OBC, WHO THE FUCK ARE WE", followed by a *very* memorable night at Beach Slam, and we've got the stuff that real memories are made of.

LFO Roatrip to Hooters in Ottawa: Not too many 2004 memories beat the first night of OC Transition: The rookies were dressed as trailer trash, and the vets were wearing white 'LFO' wife-beaters with black bras. On the way to Ottawa (via chartered school bus), in the company of 30 of my closest female friends and several boxes of cheap wine, the following LFO chant was written (sung to the tune of that annoying Engineering cheer):

We are we are we are we are the hottest girls around,
No matter how hard you try, you'll never get us down!
We drink, we swear, we dance all night,
We're smarter than the guys,
Quit looking down here (point to breasts) and focus on our eyes!
No matter how hard you try, we'll never be your hoes:
'CAUSE ALL WE FUCKIN' CARE ABOUT IS L-F-FUCKIN-O!

Follow this with a few hundred dollars worth of wings and beer, two girls puking in the bathroom of Hooters, and a night at a random Ottawa bar, where I did damage control as several rookies took it upon themselves to collect sharpie autographs from drunk boys (on strategic body parts) - well, it was one for the record books.

BEST SPORTS MOMENT

The Calgary Flames: The last time I saw my favorite team win the Stanley Cup was on May 25th, 1989. My heroes were guys by the names of Otto, Suter, Roberts, MacInnis and Nieuwendyk; I was 6 years old. This year, the hockey gods were good to me, and I got to witness an epic cup run that stopped one overtime goal short of the Stanley Cup (and for that matter, the Gelinas goal in Game 6 OT was IN). I was grinning stupidly for two full months, and cared more about the outcome of each series than I did about my health or exams - thus making it the most epic sports run of the year, despite falling short of the ultimate prize.

BEST CONCERT

Hawksley Workman / Aj's Hanger / Kingston: I've been to a lot of concerts; however not many artists put on a show quite like Workman is able to. Not only does his talent translate from the recording studio to the stage, the experience is heightened by his showmanship - the intimacy that he creates in a small atmosphere like a Kingston club makes every word that comes out of his mouth sound like sex. There is no other way to describe how beautiful and raw the show was, thus landing the coveted spot of best concert of the 2004.

Runner Up: Green Day / ACC / Toronto: I saw them play their Dookie tour in Calgary 9 years ago, and have loved them ever since. Seeing them rock the ACC, and experiencing an epic new album with an entirely new generation of Green Day fans was deeply satisfying. Sitting next to someone who sent shivers up my spine every time he looked at me catapulted this show right up to the top.

BEST AIRPLANE MEMORY

Singing the entire score of 'Cats' with Dave Homouth, flying from Kingston to Toronto (ending with a tear-jerker duet rendition of Memory, which actually ended in applause from fellow travellers). On this same flight, I told our flight attendant that "I totally loved him" after he offered me shortbread cookies, and was probably blacklisted from travelling Air Canada as a result of hitting on their employees.

MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO IN 2005

- Seeing Wicked play in Toronto
- the U2 world tour, which I plan on spending a ridiculous amount of money on
- the Pearl Jam world tour, which I'm going to be broke for, after spending all of my money on U2
- Attending my first Hip concert ('cause do these guys ever stop touring?)
- Bright Eyes releasing 2 cds on the same day (January 25th)
- going overseas for the first time (and the prospect of having a real stamp in my passport)
- graduating. Which also terrifies me. My entire family in the same room at the same time? And they said it couldn't be done.
- my relationship with Steve getting better and better every day that it lasts

GUILTY PLEASURE THAT REPLACED AMERICAN IDOL

The O.C. I'm officially out of the closet - I'm obsessed with this show. And by the way, Adam Brody? Heaven called - they want Seth Cohen back.

BEST SUMMER MEMORY

Getting caught in the biggest DOWNPOUR of my life with Ian Anderson on the way home from SOAR, where we worked in the afternoons. We held hands, and made a run for it, getting s-o-a-k-e-d in the process. Eventually, we stopped trying to stay dry, and engaged in a brutal water fight, tripping and dirty play allowed. Several times, I had to stop and catch my breath I was laughing so hard. It was literally like running upstream in a river, and by the time we got to the Common Ground, we both agreed that we had just experienced the coolest 15 minutes of our lives.

The same rainstorm put my basement under an inch of water, which *almost* negates the amazing experience it gave me. Almost.

WORST IDEA OF THE YEAR

Deciding to order Fried Pickles from the QP with my brother at midnight on the Saturday of homecoming, at a point in the evening when I was already so drunk I could barely slur out the sentence, "you've never had f***** friend pickles? Have I got a surprise for you!" Two hours later, that decision came back to haunt me (again and again and again)

BEST IDEA OF THE YEAR

Going to Toronto to see Hairspray. For reasons unbeknownst to me, I've been blessed with someone who walked into my life and literally swept me off my feet. I feel like everything that happened in 2004 has led me to where I am now: sitting in a computer chair, wrapped up in a blanket, and wondering what I ever did to deserve him. 2005, therefore, promises to be an amazing year. At some point tomorrow (if I get a chance), I'll post my resolutions - that way I can be publicly humiliated when I break them.

With that, I'm done. It's hard to capture the vitality of what has been the best year of my life in such a limited way, but I hope that I've done 2004 the justice it deserves. Happy New Year everyone!