He said something like, "you and me babe, how 'bout it?"

Relationships don't move in straight lines, and life is seldom ever simple enough to be able to map out on a time/space continuum. I am learning that a connection with someone doesn't develop on a single plane, but expands in all directions to fill whatever amount of space we allow it to. There are thresholds everywhere - implicit boundaries and walls, rules and codes-of-conduct... and sometimes, if you're very lucky, you meet someone for whom you have feelings that supersede any emotional barrier you've ever tried to construct. Sometimes, it is possible to pin-point moments where the relationship takes a deliberate step forward, and you struggle through various states of ill-at-ease and nervousness, hoping that there's something genuine on the other side of the wall.

I am falling for someone. I am at once scared and hopeful. I am constantly caught off-guard by him - I am clearly the weaker player in the carefully constructed game of courtship. I want to tell him everything, and often say nothing. I am trying not to think about it too much. Most of the time, I'm frustrated by the distance. When we're together, so many things, are right; however, I am struck by the idea that sometimes people's lives cross with someone else's for the briefest moment in time and it feels as if the synchronocity of the relationship was somehow a few seconds out of step - in Romeo and Juliet, Dire Straits croons:

Juliet - the dice was loaded from the start
and I'll bet that you exploded into my heart
and I forget the movie song
when you gonna realize, it was just that the time was wrong?

I almost wish that I could re-wind my clock so that it matched up with Steve's; I wish that we could have the summer together, or a year, or that somehow we managed to find each other before we lived in different cities. This is useless to think about, really. But I feel as though I'm living two different lives, and have the weakest grasp on this fleeting connection. There's just so much potential, and so many things stacked against it.

What I do know, is that I'm feeling things that I've legitimately not felt for another person, and have found a connection that has developed so implicitly that I haven't even been able to understand it.

This says nothing about my weekend, does it? It probably says nothing about anything - sometimes I think I'm full of useless useless-ness. I'm so tired, and will try to pull it together tomorrow, and confuse myself less.

I was sad on the airplane home. The window was cold as I pressed my face against it, trying to look down and understand the world that I had just left.

************************************

One more thing. On the plane home, I was thinking about music that really changed my life. Steve commented today that "every song is my favorite song", which prompted me to consider which songs have actually had an impact on my life, or have shaped me in some way over a considerable period of time, as opposed to those which can simply be marked as a passing obsession (modest mouse). Here's my list:

Hallelujah/Jeff Buckley
Romeo and Juliet/Dire Straits
She/Elvis Costello
Time/Tom Waits *special note: my dad used to sing this to me
The Ground Beneath Her Feet/U2

That's it - those are the songs that I would define myself by. If I had any more energy, I would elaborate on their specific influence on my life, however you'll have to be satisfied with the list in-and-of-itself for the time being. I'm going to grab a pillow (a pretty bad substitute for a boyfriend whose body fits around mine perfectly in our sleep), and get some rest.