Not To Fall in Love

Okay, so I didn't tell Adam last night that I hated him, because I didn't want to ruin what turned out to be a fast-paced and fun conversation. Plus, when someone compliments you, you're not going to turn around and dig out dirty stuff from the past, right? I didn't say anything about taking six months off of our relationship to finally get over him, didn't even tell him that I still NEEDED to get over him while I was in university. I just took it for what it was - a long and very satisfying conversation with my best friend. I don't think I need to bring up the past. I think that it's alright for me to know that I'm over him - I don't need him to know as well.

I told him that I might be moving back to Calgary for grad school, and he got really excited. We talked about all of the things that we used to do, that we could do again - eat pizza, make sundaes, rent a stack of movies, go roller blading, stay up all night driving around downtown, and end up crashing in his room at 6am. Talking all night in the dark about the most important things that we could imagine. Comparing soccer scars. Sleeping in. Tossing a football around. All of the best friend stuff that we both really miss. He told me I was still his best friend. That made me pretty happy - because of all the things that have changed in my life, Adam is still always going to be Adam. Same happy voice, same odd taste in music, same smile. That's home for me. Everything else is so unsure and scary right now, but talking to Adam is home.

So that's that. I still don't know if I'm going to go to Calgary, Vancouver, or stay here - but at least I know that I'll have somewhere to stay in Calgary. I told Adam all about S ... everything that has been going on in the past 3 weeks. It felt good to talk about it. He laughed at how easily I give my heart away, and he made me promise not to fall in love.

Actually - here's a bit of our conversation (from my memory):

A: Bri? Listen to me. You gotta promise me one thing. That's all I'm asking for here, but it's important.
B: Promise you something? Adam, you know that I'll never promise you anything (winks)
A: No, I'm being serious here - just hear me out. I want you to promise me on our friendship that you're not going to fall in love.
B: With who, S?
A: Yes. Now before you get mad, here's my thought. You're newly single, you're finishing up your last year at Q's - keep spending time with this guy, keep talking to him, you should even keep kissing him. But just focus on the here and now. Don't think about love.
B: Oh boy. Yeah, I can do that.
A: Good. Cause I'm going to call you in June, and ask you if you love him, and THEN you can tell me. But until then - live these next few months day by day.

Okay - so I made a promise not to fall in love. How hard could that be?

back to the future

I'm calling Adam. Okay, I've already called Adam, and he's going to call me back. And I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to be telling him, but I think it might be somewhere along the lines of, "I might be moving back to Calgary. I hate you because I loved you. Let's get together for drinks and catch up over christmas".
In no particular order. I'll have to cut this short when the phone rings ... if the phone rings *sigh*. I talked on msn tonight with S for a few hours after I got home from my rehearsal, which felt pretty great (even though it was a big bad busy night for both of us, and not a really good time to hole away for 2 hours talking about how great the kiss was). My hope with Adam is that I can get it all off of my chest, so that I can move into whatever the future holds for me, fully able to love somebody, and not attached to Adam in any emotional way. I still want him to be my friend, but I hate that I loved him for so long. I hate that he will always stop me from loving someone else, if I let him. It was nice - I talked to him for a minute just now, and I didn't get that familiar rush to the head, flutter in my tummy, madly in love feeling that I always got. Maybe, it's because when comparing him with the way that S makes me feel ... it's just not even close. Not that I love S - that sort of genuine emotion takes a long time to develop. But he intrigues me more, listens to me more, and cares about me more (as a girl, not just as a friend) than Adam ever did. Plus, he's better looking ;) So now, all I have to do is call it quits with my old friend unrequited-love. I won't miss it. I'm excited about what could possibly be in my future, and I don't want to mess it up by keeping Adam in my heart.

The phone still hasn't rung!!!

The Kiss (revised)

I've had a good day, but all that I've wanted to do is climb into bed and take a 5 hour nap. I feel like it's frosh week all over again. I woke up this morning after really only falling asleep at 6am last night, caught a flight out of Toronto at noon, had a rehearsal with Kat and Drew at 3, which took me until 7. Soccer game at twenty to 9, and then home at 10 to talk with S for 4 hours on msn. Well, that was a mistake *grin*. But it really wasn't right? I'm just more exhausted for it.

I'm going to get into whatever detail about my weekend I find interesting, but I'm going to do it in a later blog. I just don't even have the mental capacity to fathom what happened to me, and I'm not going to pretend as though I could do the experience justice while in such an exhausted state. I am going to do this: a revision to the first case. I feel as though it's necessary. If you have no clue what I'm talking about, scroll down and read 'an ode to the kiss', and THEN read this. That's crutial - it's a permutation, not a combination (did I actually just say that? Someone should have stopped me from saying that).

The Kiss
You're sitting on his living room floor at midnight, eating a peach yogurt and warming your toes by the electric fire. You're wearing sweats, and he's upstairs putting HIS sweats on, because you insisted on not being overdressed (and the sight of a good looking guy in a hoodie is enough to make you pass out). He comes back down, stunning in sweats, and refuses to sit next to you on the floor with his yogurt, despite the romantic atmosphere that a fire creates. He instead sits on the couch, and invites him to sit next to you. You are angry and intrigued at the same time. You move to the couch, and the first thing he does is put his arm around you tightly, forgetting the snack that brought you there in the first place. You lean into him, realizing that your entire body is tingling. You can feel his breath on your cheek, and you understand that this could be it - this could be the moment. He pulls you back further to cuddle, and you laugh as you try to get comfortable on the couch that wasn't meant for two people in this way. You're leaning against his chest, sitting inbetween his legs. And suddenly, and softly, you feel him kiss the side of your face. Like an infant responding to the rooting reflex, you turn your head and let him kiss you on the side of your lips. One more, and he is gently pressing is tongue against your teeth. This is the best moment, one which I would describe as the first 'let go'. All of a sudden, these two people can't possible kiss eachother fast enough, deep enough. This is, really, the new perfect first kiss.

Oh boy - I'm exhausted :) More tomorrow!

She's Electric (can I be electric too?)

I can't even begin to describe how good it felt to hand my marking over to Judy - I caught her in the office around 2:30, and just wanted to cry, I felt so bad about it. She gave me a hug, and told me to, well - she said, "Bri, you have just got to learn not to worry so much. And mark quicker damnit. I marked 400 papers in the past two weeks". And then we sat in her office, discussing a potential M.F.A. at U of T? I really need to make a decision about my future in the next few weeks. Calgary? Ontario? Vancouver? Australia (I know, I'm scared of snakes - but imagine the opportunities I would have to conquer my fears while surfing in the warm waters of the ocean all year round). I'm sure that the battle of my future will duke it out in a second round of frantic blogging, but for now I'm just content to understand that I really have to make a decision.

Tonight? Well, I won't lie - I'm pretty tired. I have a rehearsal tomorrow for 313 before I catch my ride to Toronto (and yeah, by ride, I definitly mean that I'm flying in style ... in a 16 seater Cessna. Still - the luxury is in the concept). I land around 3, eat dinner, go and see the last evening performance of Hairspray - yeah, it's safe to say that I'm pretty excited.

I'm not in the mood to be cerebral right now - existing on the surface of my evening is fine for me, as I just plan on coasting through to a good night's sleep in a couple of hours (my first one, honestly, in days). I had an amazing dessert date with Ashley - she pretty much helped me to put everything in my world right now into complete perspective. Over the summer, her and her 'perfect' boyfriend broke up (not that I think Marcus is perfect at all... if I did, I would probably still want to be with him. But the point is that everyone in our lives thought that we were going to get married, and that made me so mad). And Ash said that it takes guts to stand up for yourself, and for what you know is important, even though it's hard. And yeah - it killed me to talk to Marcus (well, still talking to Marcus. It's a slow process), and it killed me to tell him that I've been feeling this way for a long time ... but I was finally doing something for myself. Something because I deserve to be stupidinlove with somebody, not just comfortable. Something because I should be excited to kiss my boyfriend, I should have tingles in my toes when I see him - not be turned off by it. I deserve that - and I know that he's out there, y'know?

I was talking with A.S. last night on msn (yeah, for quite a while - but honestly that is an entirely different story that I don't need to get in to right now, for the sake of sticking with my original point!) Anyway, Adam and I got pretty deep into the topic of the perfect love. Okay - perfect is a pretty dumb word to use, let me rephrase that. We talked a lot about what the most important qualities in the opposite sex are. And of course it started out pretty light - we both like athletic, smart, funny people who can keep us talking. Adam likes girls who can play the guitar. I like guys with beautiful eyes. But it got deeper, and I was really suprised about what I learned. We talked a lot about being accepted, and I kind of had a gut wrenching moment ... because that's at the heart of it all, isn't it? That's what we all need. Someone to look at us, and someone understand that we're okay the way that we are - neuroses, flaws, vulnerability, fears and all. I knew that I really loved a certain person (the only person that I've ever really loved, if I were to use the word in it's celestial form) because I looked at them, and saw a flawed, scared, bad-singing, messy, imperfect vision of absolute perfection. Does that make sense at all? Everything about them, I accepted, no - I admired. I loved. I wanted to know so much about him, and cared about what he thought of the world - that meant something to me. I really loved this person. Unfortunatly? Unrequited. Y'know? But I'm a stronger person, I really am. Everything happens for a reason, everything has to happen for a reason, and there has to be a reason why he didn't love me back. I just don't think I'll ever know what that was. My mom thinks he's gay :)

Okay - back to my conversation. From what I gathered, I think that A.S. is looking for someone who's going to be cool with him rocking out from time to time to Slipknot, and cool with him being the shy, sensitive, self-aware guy that he is inside. We've all got this need, but the question is - can we give it to each other? Can we love eachother as entire people, just as in awe of each other's flaws as we are with the good bits? I don't know. That's a hard question to answer objectively, because on one hand, I've got my idealist side saying that this sort of love is out there. On the other? I'm really beginning to understand human nature, and we may just be hopeless. Really. Since when did I become such a cynic? A month ago, I would be writing about the karma of doing unto others ... about the world having a better layer, just underneath the cruelty and corruption. Now I think there's no hope? Nah. I'm always going to hope. I need that.

Here's the song I'm rocking to right now. I'll admit, OLP isn't my favorite band, but this song takes me away a bit. It's got a raw edge to it, and I get caught up in it every time it cycles through the playlist.

Life

How many days have you just slept away?
Is everybody high?
Is everyone afraid?

How many times have you wished you were strong?
Have they ever seen your heart?
Have they ever seen your pain?

Oh, Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up, but we're alive
Oh, Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up, but we'll survive

So that's it - those are the thoughts for the day. I've got a busy weekend ahead of me, so I might as well get started on memorizing my lines for tomorrow's rehearsal. Next week, I'm back on track - I promise :)

Oh - and ... wish me luck this weekend. Maybe I could get just a bit of fate on my side, and I'll be okay :)

Like I've never seen the sky before

It's odd to be feeling things that I haven't experienced before. This entirely new sensation of pleasurable emotional angst is either too overwhelming for me, or too much fun to let go of, and I can't decide which. My life has been pretty much in limbo since November 7th (in or around there), and this weekend will either be a make it or break it type of confirmation for me. Either this perpetual head rush that I have for someone will turn out to be reciprocated and valid, or I find out that it just doesn't hold up in the 'real world'. I understand that this makes sense only to me, and in a way, I'm intentionally trying to be cryptic, because it's more fun for me to indulge in this one on my own - I don't think that any amount of blogging is going to bring me back from cloud nine at this moment.

As soon as people start telling eachother how they feel, everything changes. Did I cross the line? Is it more fun to stay on the other side of confession, toying with the idea that there may be some genuine feelings for eachother, but keeping it so playful that you can never really tell if you're being hit with an incredible compliment or a major diss? I don't know. I hope the playfullness doesn't go away. My plan (as if something like this is actually planable), my plan is to let go of any/all of this deep emotional connection, and focus on having an amazing time. If the feeling is there? Well, it will do it's job. But I'm not going to let go of the fact that this is someone who I have an absolute blast with, because it's that verbal sparring that has got us to where we are in the first place. Y'know what I mean?

But still, it's scary that there is so much weight resting on one little evening. Above everything else that I've been feeling lately ... above being on cloud nine, and above the late night smiling, and above this feeling that my life is changing ... above everything, I'm scared. I'm so so so so so so scared. The only person that I can be is me, right? I just hope that 'me' is good enough.


The song on my playlist right now:
"Delicate"
We might kiss when we are alone
When nobody's watching
We might take it home
We might make out when nobody's there
It's not that we're scared
It's just that it's delicate

So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've know
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?

We might live like never before
When there's nothing to give
Well how can we ask for more
We might make love in some sacred place
The look on your face is delicate

I Keep on Falling

No, not the famous Alicia Keys intro that every American Idol hopefull belts out in front of Simon, Paula and Randy. I keep on falling farther and farther away from my responsibilities, and thus farther away from living a life that resembles normalcy. I have assignments due that I can't even begin to think about right now. I've missed 3 musical theatre classes in a row, because I'm taking naps and not waking up to my alarm. I have spent 35 hours in the last week marking costume assignments, when I should have been preparing assignments of my own. The worst part? The assignments were due today, and I couldn't get them done. And instead of Judy saying 'no problem Bri, get them to me tomorrow", she said "Just give me the rest, and I'll do them". What she doesn't understand is that I can get them done if I just had one more day - one more evening to work on them. I'll be at theo until 6:30 tonight anyway, so when will I have a chance to go home and get them? I work walkhome from 10-2 - I'm going to try to get about 20 done from 7-9:30, and the other 20 done from 2-3:30am. Tomorrow, I have rehearsal for my 313 show (I'll have to make cue cards), and I'll hand the costume assignments in to Judy then. I have my 313 presentation, my 216 presentation, my 301 essay, two 301 journals (one of which was due this morning), an Art History paper, Performance Analysis marking, and TA marking for my class, to get their winter marks in on time, and I'm working Walkhome on Friday AND Saturday ... and going to see Hairspray on Saturday night. How did it get to be so busy? Why am I so off track? Even if I work my butt off tonight, there is no way that I'm going to bed before 4am, and my rehearsal tomorrow starts at 10am (until 1pm ish?), at which point I'm going to work on writing songs for my musical theatre class. I have to get out of this dream world and put my feet back on the ground so that I can maintain my 80 average, and get my butt into Grad School.

What's wrong with me? Why do I feel so overwhelmed and exhausted? I am scared to come into Theo, because there are so many teachers who's classes I've slept through in the past few days, that I can't even stand the thought of it. I guess we'll see how things turn out. Part of me doesn't even want to know.

Original of the Species

I got the new U2 cd today, "How to Disarm an Atomic Bomb" - which gives you a loaded title even before you take the wrapper off and pop this baby into your player. That being said, I think that they follow up their back-to-the-roots "All That you Can't Leave Behind" with a solid album that's aimed right at the heart of human conflict. Maybe when I don't have 45 comments left to write on the 45 papers that I just finished marking, I'll give my 2 cents on the entire album, but I just wanted to highlight one song that really stood out for me.

U2 is not known for writing lyrical, down-tempo ballads - when they write about love (which, granted, is pretty rare), they've got the beat behind them, with a sound that is distinctly powerful. "The Ground Beneath Her Feet" and "With or Without You", are good examples, and some have argued that "Pride (in the name of Love)" and "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" concern that special somebody, although understanding Bono's political affiliations, we can probably guess that there's something more going on. But I digress - I'm not here to pick apart U2s megahits, because really, I could be writing all night. The song that I'm interested in is called "Original of the Species" and one of the first U2 songs that cuts away the power guitar riffs and gets to the bottom of human emotion. The lyrics -

Baby slow down
The end is not as fun as the start
Please stay a child somewhere in your heart

I'll give you everything you want
Except the thing that you want
You are the first one of your kind

And you feel like no-one before
You steal right under my door
And I kneel 'cause I want you some more
I want the lot of what you got
And I want nothing that you're not

Everywhere you go you shout it
You don't have to be shy about it

Some things you shouldn't get too good at
Like smiling, crying and celebrity
Some people got way too much confidence baby

I'll give you everything you want
Except the thing that you want
You are the first one of your kind

And you feel like no-one before
You steal right under my door
I kneel 'cause I want you some more
I want the lot of what you got
And I want nothing that you're not

Everywhere you go you shout it
You don't have to be shy about it, no
And you'll never be alone
Come on now show your soul
You've been keeping your love under control

And you feel like no-one before
You steal right under my door
I kneel 'cause I want you some more
I want you some more, I want you some more...

If you don't have it - download it. This song speaks it all, and does a bang up job at it too.

With that - I'm out. A busy girl has a lot to do before hitting the pillow tonight!

Fighting Temptation

Yeah, the whole pillow/bed/sleep idea sounds really appealing to me right now, but something tells me that if I fall asleep in the next 15 minutes (what is it, like 11:45 at the moment?) I'm not going to be getting up for my 2:30 class, or my 4:00 for that matter. I'll probably wake up at 9 and start the entire process over again. So for the time being anyway, I'm awake (barely) and am going to make an attempt to be semi-productive in some way (even if it's just sweeping the living room and and making phone calls) until I have to leave for Musical Theatre. And really - why would I want to miss that class? We're entering the Andrew Lloyd Webber age of the super-musical today, and I'm pumped to contribute the fact that I have, indeed, seen Cats on Broadway. Alright - not on Broadway, but at the Jubilee Auditorium. And maybe I'm not that pumped - Cats may or may not have been one of the worst musicals I've seen, period.

I went with Steph ... did I take her? Did she take me? I just remember getting all dressed up together, and sitting in the nosebleeds of the theatre, feeling so OLD for being able to go and see a show all on our own. Where is my recent nostalgia coming from, by the way? I've been thinking about people that I haven't talked to since I left Calgary - Jess, Stephie, Beth, Adam (well, who would have thought of that one?). Adam. Oh MAN. I called him last night and after briefly talking with Michaela, left a message on his answering machine that said in no uncertain terms the following:

"Hey Adam, it's Bri calling. I was just giving you a call to say hi, sorry I missed you. Oh, and by the way? I don't know if you know this, but I loved you for a long time - pretty much the most significant years of my young life. Or, in other words, since we were 11 years old. But yeah, you knew that, didn't you. But listen - I know now that you are SO shit out of luck, because I would have done anything for you, anything. But I'm better than that, y'know? So yeah... give me a call back when you get this..."

Hmmm. And that was BEFORE I went to the QP and got right tipsy off of a pair of blow-job shots (to my credit, I was celebrating the hiring of OC05, and by the time I got there at about 12:30, most of the new OCs were drunk enough to insist on buying me a shot... I kept giving them away to friends). So in the span of a night, I called Adam and basically told him to fuck off, I re-lived the glory days of being a campus celebrity, and told my boyfriend that I wasn't going down to Nashville with him.

Wooooah - I threw that one in there! Yeah, I finally realized that I had to really listen to myself and understand what's best for me. I can't make a commitment like that until I'm to-the-moon stupid in love, and until I've had some time to live MY life first, so I'm going to be going back to BC for a year to work on my Master's at UBC and pick up a part time job. To be honest? I feel really good about it - I'm so much more comfortable after having made a decision than before. I'm going to get to be a part of my sister's day to day lives again - doing our hair together, helping Jessie choose a dress for her first grade seven dance, having out crazy sleepover parties where we watch kids movies and eat popcorn and do eachother's makeup. I miss that - those girls are my life. My brother too - I want to help him get back on track. I want to have some semblance of a relationship with my father (which is pretty much non-existant right now, except for the random msn message where he is 'too busy at work' to talk). I want to spend time with my grandparents. I want to meet new people. I'm ready for it all.

And it's still the morning! I feel like this day may have fantastic potential (or I just might mark Drama 100 papers all night)

An Ode to the Kiss

I walked tonight with a guy named Ian, who I found out the following about through relatively mediocre conversation, which progressed into this whirlwind of excited chatter and arm grabbing:
1) He's from Calgary
2) He went to Strath from 4-12, which means that he had the same teachers that I had, and the same teachers that my dad had when we went there.
4) One of his best friends is Ben, the boy that I would do anything for back at the tender age of 6. Which leads me to my point:

So I starting thinking about Ben. I REALLY liked Ben, and one day, I arbitrarily chose him from all of the other boys in grade one to be the one that I wanted to kiss. I have such strong memories of chasing him (literally, full tilt) around the tire park, in and out of the playground, and then finally, thank my lucky stars, I managed to corner him inbetween two banks of lockers one day after lunch and in front of the entire grade one class, planted a kiss right on his lips.

And thus, the motivation for my entry. A devoted ode to the kiss, potentially one of my favorite topics (and one that I don't think I've ever done justice to before).

Back in the easy days of Ben and Bri, kissing was easy: it was a game, and I wanted to be the winner (the first hint of my competitive side emerges). Kissing Ben meant that I had 'won' - the game was over, and I went back to playing kick the can with my girlfriends, and poor Ben had to go back to the soccer game and explain himself. It wasn't until adolescence, grade 7 in particular, that everything changed, and it pretty much happened overnight. All of a sudden, a kiss goes from not even registering in your pubescent radar, to being the only thing that you can think about. I remember having big sleepovers with my group of friends in grade 7, and always asking 2 very important questions: who has got their period yet, and who has been kissed? Of course, none of us had been kissed, but we ceremoniously recorded everyone's answer, as well as their desired boyfriend into our group journal, which someone was ALWAYS assigned to protect from the boys. We would then swap kissing tips that we learned from the Sweet Valley High books, and practice on our pillows, who we always imagined to be the boy of our dreams. No, I'm not kidding. We kissed pillows. We also discussed in great detail where to put your hands, how to breath, and where both noses could fit.

My first kiss happened at the mall in grade 7, with a boy named Danny. He was from Alaska, was a whole year older than me, played football, was a die hard Dolphins fan, and in my eyes was an absolute dream. He lived a block from the mall, so we would 'hang out', nervously eating frozen yogurt and experimenting with holding hands. We were waiting for our parents, and were standing in a hallway that leads to a bank of phones and a couple of water fountains, and I think that my heart was beating so loudly that I couldn't hear myself think. We stopped talking, and he grabbed my hand, and decided that right then, right there, he was going to kiss me. My palms were so sweaty, I kept rubbing them on my pants, and I thought that I was either going to throw up all over him, faint right there in the mall, or not know what to do. It was, thinking back, a horribly awkward, very drawn out kiss, and not the most romantic place to be, but it was absolute magic. I felt like I was floating on ten feet of air for the rest of the week.

So what's happened? 10 years after my first kiss, and many other firsts to follow:
- first french kiss [I wanted to die]
- first time I ever saw a guy with hairy armpits [I wanted to die]
- first heartbreak [this time, I really wanted to die]

Something got lost.

My favorite thing in the world - more than soccer, more than dancing, more than being by the ocean ... is to kiss. If I'm with someone that I think is amazing, I could (and would) snog them for 10 hours straight, grab something to eat, and then kiss them more. Not the kind of kissing that so many guys love at 22 or 23 - the "I'm just kissing you so that I can try to take your shirt off", or the "kissing while frantically trying to get to as many bases as possible, as fast as possible" ... I hate that. I'm so so so sick of it. My favorite thing is just plain, lying under a toasty blanket, spending the evening watching-but-not-really-watching a movie, kissing. I miss that.

So - the ode to the kiss. Let's revive it, shall we?

Part one - the first kiss. Men? You have to know when the moment is right. And the moment will invariably be there, if you're in tune with the dynamic of the evening. The 'moment' is perfect when, in the middle of a close and intimate conversation you find yourself inching closer and closer togehter, almost imperceptibly, until you go from being three feet away, to two feet away, to brushing hands and lacing fingers together. Your hands will intertwine, and as both of you realize that this is 'the moment' (without realizing that the other person realizes it too) you stop talking, one of you begins to blush, and there is an entirely unstoppable energy ... a lightness and warmth that begins to build and rise and move between your hands. Time begins to slow down to almost a full stop, and you realize that every part of your body becomes hypersensitive - as your fingers brush, you'll get a jolt of electricity up your arm, and goosebumbs where her fingers touched you. At some point in this suspended moment, your eyes will lock, and you'll both realize that the other person knows and feels exactly what you are knowing and feeling. This eye contact is the point of no return. This is the moment. This is when everything is right in your world. The moment is that perfect second in time when you can look through someone's eyes directly into their soul, and the rest of the world, everything around you vanishes. Your knees get weak, your hands start to shake, you're trying to breath but your lungs won't fill with air. You look at eachother in this amazing enchanted suspension, neither of you wanting to make the first move, but neither of you ready to step backwards out of the emotion and energy that's moving between you. That unbelievable rush, right as your heads start to move together, eyes locked, then fluttering, then closed. All of these things make up the moment that you've been waiting for. This is the ode to the perfect kiss.

Has that ever happened to me? Eh, in varying degrees. Most of my first kisses were somewhat awkward, hastily implemented stealth attacks, but once or twice (okay, I can think of two times) that moment was so perfect that I could have replayed it in my mind a thousand times. But I digress...

*******************************************
Phew. I feel better! I starting thinking about Ben, which led to thinking about my first kiss, which probably led to my general love of kissing, which lead to a NEED to write all of this down! Yeah - it's 6:30 in the morning, but there's something to be said for the hopeless romantic, isn't there? I had an amazing night, a truely spectacular night, and I feel like even that has given me wings. It's all coming up roses, and I'm content to enjoy every minute of it.

So - it's time for a normal person to get some sleep (I get it, I get it!). Especially with a school line-up this week that would make a grown man cry (I'm talking mad work to be done). More tomorrow, and maybe something a little bit more concrete, and less ... eh...idealized :)

Plus - a soccer game tomorrow, for the walkhome co-ed team. I could not be more stoked about this. I haven't been on a soccer field since grade 12, and I pulled out all of my old gear, ready to go. I can't wait to get out there and sweat!

Rainy Days

Alot of people don't like the rain, but I love rainy days that I get to spend curled up with a movie or a book, or stepping through puddles on the way to meet a friend for coffee (okay ... let's back up here. Do I drink coffee? No. I haven't even tasted it. Okay, that's not true - I tasted it last week. I told a friend that I had never tasted coffee, and I was then forced to take a sip. And there's a reason I don't drink coffee - it's gross. It really is. So (and I digress) the point here is that it's such a cliche to say 'I'm going out for coffee', when in fact - I don't go out for coffee. I might drink tea on a day like this, but not usually. So why do I use the phrase? I feel like I identify with the type of crowd that might go out for coffee... the people that you would expect to be going out for coffee. That's my space in this subdivided universe. I just wish that someone could help me to like the stuff)

Okay - original point. It's rainy and foggy and chilly out, but I love to be inside knowing that the world can stop for the day, and slow down. I went to see a show with Brandon and Karen (well, Karen and her friend happened to be there as well, but we all sat together) and liked meeting up in the lobby afterwords and pulling our hoods up for the walk home. I like that we were warm and dry in a theatre while it was miserable outside. I don't like to be freezing cold. But I like 'weather' - rain, snow. Things falling from the sky in general. It's romantic. Have I ever had a romantic moment in the rain? Once maybe, in grade 8, when I walked back to Mikes house in the rain, holding his hand and thinking that I had died and went to heaven. But in general, the rain hasn't proven itself to me. It's just always got this promise that something REALLY ROMANTIC could happen at any point. No, not just because I saw the Notebook (although that was really sexy), but just in general. I like it, and I like the way it makes me feel.

I'm like a magician, I don't give away any of my secrets. The things that are going on in my head right now are so undescribable, even to myself, that I think it's best to leave them off the 'net. I'm a bit of a mess (in a good way) with choices and deadlines and monotony, and I need to start getting back on track and straightening things out. First, though, a short nap might be in order? I work walkhome tonight from 6-10, and I'm exhausted already.

Trying to imagine the enormity of the world

I haven't written in a while, and I can't decide if it's because I've been too busy to sit down and think about what to write, or if it's because the act of writing something that is available to others to read is so ... significant, that I can't get my head around what the best words and ideas to be immortalized by are. I had an Anne Frank moment - what if someone, anyone, reads my journal in 100 years, and uses it to make deductions about who I am? What do I want to leave them? But now, as I'm thinking about it, that's really the wrong reason to be writing a journal, y'know? I kind of just have to go at it for me.

There are two weeks and a day left of fall semester, and I am suprised and anxious about how quickly my last year of university is going. I am ready to take on new challanges, but at the same time, I've created a world here that I am not really or willing to give up. Being at Queen's is almost surreal - I spend my day learning and discussing intellectual ideals, and I exist in a 'bubble' where everybody knows and looks out for everybody else. The community here is so distinct and so inclusive that I feel as though the enormity of the real world is going to be a shock. It's so easy for me here - I have a team of professors who want to teach me, and administrators who want to help me do whatever I need to do (get a job, fill out papers... anything!). I think I'm feeling reminisent because I watched the frosh week video yesterday, and there was a cut version of the speech I got to give on the last day... and I really meant it. This place has been the best community I could imagine to spend 4 years a part of. But the .. evenescent quality is really striking me. It's like a theatre production - nothing about university life is stable, or can be preserved. It's a group of people that are constantly in transition between two stages of their life - childhood, and adulthood. Four years from now, there will be ALL new people walking down university avenue, and discussion intellectual ideals. I find that sad. I guess that the world itself has that uncatchable quality - 100 years from now, all new people... but when you're talking about death, you don't really have to witness or understand what you left behind.

So people ask me, "what are you doing after 4th year?" and I don't really know. Isn't that scary? I don't have a plan. I've never not had a plan. I have options though, which makes me feel somewhat more secure. Here's what I've got on my plate:
Calgary: (Masters of Education, concentration in Drama). The plus-side of going back to Calgary is that in essence, the city is my home, and I haven't lost that. I know Calgary, I like Calgary, and I would be happy in Calgary. But given the amount that I have changed since leaving - would it be really jarring to suddenly be right back where I started 5 years ago? Would I feel like my life at Queen's, all of my efforts and achievements hadn't really led me anywhere, or hadn't really existed at all? Would I still feel like I fit in? And where the hell would I live?
Vancouver: (UBC, Bacholer of Education, Elementary). The pull for this school is the fact that almost everyone in the world that is important to me lives in Vancouver. My mom/brother/sisters/grandparents/dad/heather - I've got a veritable support network that I have really missed during my 4 years here. I would love to be back home. Plus - the city of Vancouver is phenomenal, and it suits me well. I am completly inspired by it, and I could see myself blending into the young urbanite culture seamlessly. The downsides? Earthquakes (hey - it's a valid thing to think about) and the fact that I would have to take a year of unclassified studies in order to even get into their program, becuase the requirements are so much different in BC.
Tennessee: (master of Education, Elementary)The big thing about going to Tennessee is that Marcus and I would be staying together. Not only that, but I would have a house to live in and a car to drive, and be able to focus my time and energy on my studies. Vanderbilt has the 4th best Master of Education program in the WORLD, and I would be able to get some fantastic work after graduating from there. The downside - Tennessse is *nowhere* on my radar - no family, no connection to the city. Lots of snakes and spider. Lots of southern George Bush supporters. Ignorance. Fat people (sorry.. that's rude - I take it back). And the fact that if my boyfriend doles out 27,000 in tuition for my education, I might as well put a ring on my finger. And as much as I love marcus, there is a little voice in my tummy that tells me that I am not really for that yet - that there's more out there for me to do, and to understand, before I make any sort of commitment.

So - that's my story, morning glory. I guess the first step is to get my bloody student loan so that I can pay to apply to all of these schools, and take it from there.

Wow. I guess I do have a lot to talk about :)

Sadly speaking - there was no B.Jones moment tonight

It was housemate date night, and I worked really hard to get my essay done at some point today so that I could fully appreciate it (although I may be zoning in and out of conscienceness as I type). So we all piled into Court's volvo and made like a tree to the movie theatre, only to find that hoards of 14-year-old tweenies who probably still played with Barbies when the first BJ came out had taken all of the tickets. All of them! I have never felt so old in my life, standing in a sea of abercrombie skirts and language littered with pre-teen slang; "I am like, so, like excited!". A couple of girls were even wearing their pajamas, which I thought was really cute. But I was bitter, because I wanted to see Bridget Jones too, and I had to find some sort of way to vent my dissipointment into a useful form of slander. So I cut down the 14 year olds (easily forgetting that I was 14 once too, seeing movies at Eau Claire market and praying that I could sit next to my crush so that our elbows could touch for two hours). So we saw Alfie instead, which ended up being an odd choice - the movie was literally about nothing. Thank GOD for Jude Law - if I didn't have the eye candy, I may have fallen asleep after the previews.

I'm exhausted today, and when I'm exhausted, I have a really hard time focusing my eyes - they want to roll into the back of my head, and I feel like I'm fighting them to stay coherent. I had a meeting with J.E. today about hiring his committee, and I felt like I might have been listening and understanding what he was talking about, and I might have been taking a nap with my eyes open. The all nighter is completly ... it just sucks the life out of you. The cruel joke (the punchline, if you will) is that I'm scheduled to work at W.home tonight from 11-3 ... I can just see myself napping on the street corner while my partner gently prods me with the radio antennae, letting me know we're ready to go. It's getting cold outside, which was a good excuse to get proper winter wear (hat, scarf) and be hit on by the 'not-my-type-at-all' manager of Roots. I've got 'em around my finger, I tell ya.

Okay, so - I'm going to Ottawa tomorrow for a bit of an anniversary celebration, and I guess I should get packing, or whatever. I feel a bit haphazard.. my room isn't tidy, my laundry isn't done, I have no groceries, ALL I want to do is sleep .. but I'm sure I can pull something amazing together in honour of our 3rd year (3 years!) together, and have myself a hell of a time.

I Want To Be The Minority

There are so few people like me out there. I feel lonely and misunderstood for a huge percentage of my day, even though I can attest to the fact that I probably know the entire first year class at this University by name. There's a difference between being popular and being understood, which I am quickly developing an eye for. I've outgrown popularity - it doesn't feed my ego to know that there are people on campus who know my name. What does that really mean? It ends up being a superficial game that we all play, and we walk around in between our afternoon classes saying hi to the hundreds of people that we know, and we all go home no better fulfilled than we were when we woke up. I'm actually quite embarassed by it - I'll be having a good conversation with someone which will be interupted 6 times by people who don't know one thing about me except for the fact that I was HG.

I'm looking for something deeper. The hardest thing in the world is to find friends that transend the 'stage theory', the idea that people are only part of your life for a certain period of time when it is mutually convenient. For example: Frosh week. Most of the people who I was extremely close with during this past year of my life will inevitably no longer be important to me, nor will I be to them. That stage of our life where we shared something is now over. This doesn't upset me, but what I am looking for are the friends who care about me as a person, and not about the experiences that we share. Friends who I will still cherish after leaving this icebox that I affectionatly call Kingston, friends who actually know who I am and what I care about. I truely think that I have a few of them in my life, but it's so hard to cultivate that, you know?

The reason that I bring this up is that I am scared ... not even scared. It's silly to be scared. But I am thinking that Marcus and I might not transcend this stage of our life - our relationship might be context dependant, and may not survive outside of our easy lifestyle of studying and making dinner together. Are we so comfortable because we have created a routine that works for both of us? I love him, and he loves me, but it's an easy love that is deeply rooted in habit. Do I believe in this enough to uproot it, and will it succeed in a new context? There's no easy answer.

But you know what? Context isn't even what's important. I just don't know if, at 21, I am really ready to make any sort of commitment to anyone but myself. For the duration of university, Marcus and I have been able to say "we are happy being together today" - and that was as far as it ever needed to go. But I'm at a point where I now need to decide if I will plausibly be happy being with him for at least the next two years, and the subtext is - do I want this to be a permanent relationship? Again, it's hard to answer, because I don't really know. What I do know is that in the next 5 years, M and I are going to grow and change in a huge way - and it's impossible to tell if we are going to grow in the same direction or not. I don't think that I'm the person who should be making that call. But his obligation forces me to have to look in to the future and make my best bet. Would it bet better for me to bet on myself for the time being, and go home, or would I be REALLY dumb to give up something that I am so happy with.

I had a long talk with a few people tonight (my mom, Ashley, Steve), and no one can really tell me what the right decision is for myself. I guess the person that I really need to talk to is Marcus, which I'll do tomorrow (and for the next 6 months, I'm sure). I just wanted to get this off of my chest before I got to work on my art history essay that's due tomorrow.

Good night (good morning?)

Collide

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
YeahI'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to ryhme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide

Choose Being Kind over Being Right

I am still warmed by a comment that Dan made to me a few days ago, when we were talking about the virtues of making other people feel good. I don't mean sexually, although this certainly has it's own merits, but emotionally. Making other people feel good in their hearts. I've always been a big believer that it's incredibly easy to make someone elses day. I had a rough couple of years in junior high and early high school when I had no idea who I was or what was important to me. I felt so completly lost, and would latch on to certain groups or ideas if I thought that I could find some piece of my identity in them. I was never comfortable with who I was, drifting from boy to boy and from group to group, but never really belonging anywhere. I was happy at the time - it's only in retrospect that you realize how shitty it is to be 13 and flat chested. But I woke up one day, and I don't really know when it was, and I can't pinpoint the person who influenced me to change ... but I woke up one day, and I made the conscience decision to be happy. I decided to be happy for myself, and to enjoy the wonderful things that were present in my life. I made a choice, and I stuck to it. It was a combination of living in the small house on 24th with my mom and brother, having my friendship/unrequited love affair with Adam during my grade 12 year (read: friendship only), and finding out that I am an interesting and loveable person when I'm nobody but myself (thanks Jess, Kerry Anne, Andrew, and my grade 12 spare group!).

So the point is, that I wake up happy, I go to bed happy, and I feel comfort and peace in my soul every day of my life. What I realized as I progressed through university is that this feeling can be emoted quietly, and still be present - I don't always have to be the smiliest person at the party, and don't always have to be a pleaser in order to make the choice to be happy - I can do it in quiet ways as well. Something that I heard a few years ago that really affected me was that "you can't control what happens to you in your life. People hate, people die, and people treat eachother poorly. The ONLY thing you have control over in your life is how you react". We sink or swim - there's nothing else. My conversation with Dan on Monday was about swimming, and helping others to do so as well. To him, I am SO grateful for being able to share that philosophy... and I'm excited about getting to know him better.

I had such a good time in Toronto with S.J, that it's still flying around in my mind - I feel giddy. The guy is incredibly intelligent ... and innately sexy without knowing it. And too good for me (not too 'good' for me, but too well behaved for me!). And I'm intruiged. A silly crush, I guess, but... so real at the same time. I don't know how to describe it more sufficiently than that. There's just something tangible and real about him, and about being friends. But... it doesn't matter, you know? It can't matter.

So I'll listen to the CD, and wonder if I am the luckiest (or if we are we, are the lucky ones???), and try to sort out what's in my head, and what's in my heart.

She Stopped for Coffee on her way to Starbucks

It was a pitiful day today, since I spent most of it in bed, ignoring my alarm clock or stelthfully hitting the snooze button before it became loud enough to actually wake me up. On my to do list before I go to bed in a few minutes (which contains things such as 'brush teeth' and 'take off bra') I need to move my alarm to another place in my room that would actually require me to get out of bed in order to turn it off. If I'm going to concede to being a night owl (god, I've tried so hard to be good) I will at least have to go through a daily routine like everyone else on this planet. My housemates are definitly NOT night owls, which I am not used to - I've lived with afterhours people for a few years, and find it strange to come home from the library at midnight, and not have anyone to eat cookies with, or even to bounce my crazy ideas off of. But there are a lot of things that I appreciate about the people that I'm with this year - privacy ... cleanliness... normalcy. To some extent I feel as though I am living in my res again - we hang out in the common room, but retreat to our spaces and shut our doors. I've tried to keep my door open to seem as inviting as possible, but they rarely take the bait.

This will have to be a short one. I could talk for hours but am already concerned about the difference between public and private knowledge, and will have to find a balance between what I need to get out, and what is acceptable to be floating around the net. I really can't sleep in tomorrow - it's my self proclaimed "catch up on life" day, and I am still floating on 10 feet of clouds from my trip to TO and the awesome concert I saw. Back to reality Bri.

American Idiot

I just got back from Toronto, as unlikely as that sounds (how often to I willingly go to Toronto?). I took a bus out at 3:30pm to meet with an old friend and see Green Day play their comeback tour. I haven't seen them since grade 7, when I unknowingly went with my then best friend Beth to see HER favorite band, and ended up being the only person in the Saddledome who didn't know the words to "Longview". I got them back tonight - Green Day came back around, and when Longview came down, I was singing the loudest. It was a moment of musical redemption for me, and I understood just how far I've come, from listening to whatever my friends listened to (and not really caring about music) to being able to stand up for the music that I believe in. It was a success on all accounts - not only did the show rock hard, but I had an important and short few hours with a friend that I haven't seen since he sold out to UofT's grad program. We talked about a lot of things over dinner, and as usual after our whirlwind discussions, I feel motivated, contemplative and inspiried to effect some sort of change (although it's not always easy to figure out what that change is going to be). So the change is the blogspot - I've been disenchanted with Diaryland, which became a communal gossip ground, and I don't write quickly enough by hand to maintain a paper diary properly (read: more than twice a week), so I've found a place where I can take my socks off, and hopefully work out what the hell I'm going to do with the rest of my life...a process, for sure.

The American election was tonight, and all logical reasoning points to a likely Bush victory. The sad thing is that for the past four years, we've been looking at a man who has made so many mistakes as a leader, who has slashed education, reversed the surplus to a record deficit, led the USA into the lowest economic state it has been in since the 1920's, pissed off every major peace-loving country in the world (including Canada) and managed to be illiturate at the same time... that was frustrating. We could point to Bush and know that it was him. But tonight, by both popular majority and electoral college votes, the American people have said "In 2000, we took a chance on you Bush. And now, after seeing the type of leader that you've been - we are supporting you and asking you to do it again". So now, we have no one to be angry at but the Americans.

They did a referendum vote in 11 states tonight to determine whether or not gay marriage should be illegal/legal in each respective state (being a governer's ultimate decision at this point). In 10 out of the 11 states, gay marriage was shot down by at least 65% of the popular vote. In some states it was as high as 90/10. This was the proverbial nail on the coffin for me tonight - how could people be so unaccepting? I argued with marcus that there should have never been a referendum - gay marriage is a topic that doesn't involve 90% of the population - why should they be allowed to vote on it? Why not only poll the gay community? Why should it MATTER to the straight population, who are afforded all of the rights and luxories of happening to be attracted to the opposite sex? I'm infuriorated, and also feel very small - what can anyone do to affect change in this chaotic world? I feel like everything is so backward. Steve and I joked that the only thing we could do was go back to our bedrooms and hide under our sheets for four years until it's all over. Seeing as it's 4am, I may just do that.