I Want To Be The Minority

There are so few people like me out there. I feel lonely and misunderstood for a huge percentage of my day, even though I can attest to the fact that I probably know the entire first year class at this University by name. There's a difference between being popular and being understood, which I am quickly developing an eye for. I've outgrown popularity - it doesn't feed my ego to know that there are people on campus who know my name. What does that really mean? It ends up being a superficial game that we all play, and we walk around in between our afternoon classes saying hi to the hundreds of people that we know, and we all go home no better fulfilled than we were when we woke up. I'm actually quite embarassed by it - I'll be having a good conversation with someone which will be interupted 6 times by people who don't know one thing about me except for the fact that I was HG.

I'm looking for something deeper. The hardest thing in the world is to find friends that transend the 'stage theory', the idea that people are only part of your life for a certain period of time when it is mutually convenient. For example: Frosh week. Most of the people who I was extremely close with during this past year of my life will inevitably no longer be important to me, nor will I be to them. That stage of our life where we shared something is now over. This doesn't upset me, but what I am looking for are the friends who care about me as a person, and not about the experiences that we share. Friends who I will still cherish after leaving this icebox that I affectionatly call Kingston, friends who actually know who I am and what I care about. I truely think that I have a few of them in my life, but it's so hard to cultivate that, you know?

The reason that I bring this up is that I am scared ... not even scared. It's silly to be scared. But I am thinking that Marcus and I might not transcend this stage of our life - our relationship might be context dependant, and may not survive outside of our easy lifestyle of studying and making dinner together. Are we so comfortable because we have created a routine that works for both of us? I love him, and he loves me, but it's an easy love that is deeply rooted in habit. Do I believe in this enough to uproot it, and will it succeed in a new context? There's no easy answer.

But you know what? Context isn't even what's important. I just don't know if, at 21, I am really ready to make any sort of commitment to anyone but myself. For the duration of university, Marcus and I have been able to say "we are happy being together today" - and that was as far as it ever needed to go. But I'm at a point where I now need to decide if I will plausibly be happy being with him for at least the next two years, and the subtext is - do I want this to be a permanent relationship? Again, it's hard to answer, because I don't really know. What I do know is that in the next 5 years, M and I are going to grow and change in a huge way - and it's impossible to tell if we are going to grow in the same direction or not. I don't think that I'm the person who should be making that call. But his obligation forces me to have to look in to the future and make my best bet. Would it bet better for me to bet on myself for the time being, and go home, or would I be REALLY dumb to give up something that I am so happy with.

I had a long talk with a few people tonight (my mom, Ashley, Steve), and no one can really tell me what the right decision is for myself. I guess the person that I really need to talk to is Marcus, which I'll do tomorrow (and for the next 6 months, I'm sure). I just wanted to get this off of my chest before I got to work on my art history essay that's due tomorrow.

Good night (good morning?)