Choose Being Kind over Being Right

I am still warmed by a comment that Dan made to me a few days ago, when we were talking about the virtues of making other people feel good. I don't mean sexually, although this certainly has it's own merits, but emotionally. Making other people feel good in their hearts. I've always been a big believer that it's incredibly easy to make someone elses day. I had a rough couple of years in junior high and early high school when I had no idea who I was or what was important to me. I felt so completly lost, and would latch on to certain groups or ideas if I thought that I could find some piece of my identity in them. I was never comfortable with who I was, drifting from boy to boy and from group to group, but never really belonging anywhere. I was happy at the time - it's only in retrospect that you realize how shitty it is to be 13 and flat chested. But I woke up one day, and I don't really know when it was, and I can't pinpoint the person who influenced me to change ... but I woke up one day, and I made the conscience decision to be happy. I decided to be happy for myself, and to enjoy the wonderful things that were present in my life. I made a choice, and I stuck to it. It was a combination of living in the small house on 24th with my mom and brother, having my friendship/unrequited love affair with Adam during my grade 12 year (read: friendship only), and finding out that I am an interesting and loveable person when I'm nobody but myself (thanks Jess, Kerry Anne, Andrew, and my grade 12 spare group!).

So the point is, that I wake up happy, I go to bed happy, and I feel comfort and peace in my soul every day of my life. What I realized as I progressed through university is that this feeling can be emoted quietly, and still be present - I don't always have to be the smiliest person at the party, and don't always have to be a pleaser in order to make the choice to be happy - I can do it in quiet ways as well. Something that I heard a few years ago that really affected me was that "you can't control what happens to you in your life. People hate, people die, and people treat eachother poorly. The ONLY thing you have control over in your life is how you react". We sink or swim - there's nothing else. My conversation with Dan on Monday was about swimming, and helping others to do so as well. To him, I am SO grateful for being able to share that philosophy... and I'm excited about getting to know him better.

I had such a good time in Toronto with S.J, that it's still flying around in my mind - I feel giddy. The guy is incredibly intelligent ... and innately sexy without knowing it. And too good for me (not too 'good' for me, but too well behaved for me!). And I'm intruiged. A silly crush, I guess, but... so real at the same time. I don't know how to describe it more sufficiently than that. There's just something tangible and real about him, and about being friends. But... it doesn't matter, you know? It can't matter.

So I'll listen to the CD, and wonder if I am the luckiest (or if we are we, are the lucky ones???), and try to sort out what's in my head, and what's in my heart.