Trying to imagine the enormity of the world

I haven't written in a while, and I can't decide if it's because I've been too busy to sit down and think about what to write, or if it's because the act of writing something that is available to others to read is so ... significant, that I can't get my head around what the best words and ideas to be immortalized by are. I had an Anne Frank moment - what if someone, anyone, reads my journal in 100 years, and uses it to make deductions about who I am? What do I want to leave them? But now, as I'm thinking about it, that's really the wrong reason to be writing a journal, y'know? I kind of just have to go at it for me.

There are two weeks and a day left of fall semester, and I am suprised and anxious about how quickly my last year of university is going. I am ready to take on new challanges, but at the same time, I've created a world here that I am not really or willing to give up. Being at Queen's is almost surreal - I spend my day learning and discussing intellectual ideals, and I exist in a 'bubble' where everybody knows and looks out for everybody else. The community here is so distinct and so inclusive that I feel as though the enormity of the real world is going to be a shock. It's so easy for me here - I have a team of professors who want to teach me, and administrators who want to help me do whatever I need to do (get a job, fill out papers... anything!). I think I'm feeling reminisent because I watched the frosh week video yesterday, and there was a cut version of the speech I got to give on the last day... and I really meant it. This place has been the best community I could imagine to spend 4 years a part of. But the .. evenescent quality is really striking me. It's like a theatre production - nothing about university life is stable, or can be preserved. It's a group of people that are constantly in transition between two stages of their life - childhood, and adulthood. Four years from now, there will be ALL new people walking down university avenue, and discussion intellectual ideals. I find that sad. I guess that the world itself has that uncatchable quality - 100 years from now, all new people... but when you're talking about death, you don't really have to witness or understand what you left behind.

So people ask me, "what are you doing after 4th year?" and I don't really know. Isn't that scary? I don't have a plan. I've never not had a plan. I have options though, which makes me feel somewhat more secure. Here's what I've got on my plate:
Calgary: (Masters of Education, concentration in Drama). The plus-side of going back to Calgary is that in essence, the city is my home, and I haven't lost that. I know Calgary, I like Calgary, and I would be happy in Calgary. But given the amount that I have changed since leaving - would it be really jarring to suddenly be right back where I started 5 years ago? Would I feel like my life at Queen's, all of my efforts and achievements hadn't really led me anywhere, or hadn't really existed at all? Would I still feel like I fit in? And where the hell would I live?
Vancouver: (UBC, Bacholer of Education, Elementary). The pull for this school is the fact that almost everyone in the world that is important to me lives in Vancouver. My mom/brother/sisters/grandparents/dad/heather - I've got a veritable support network that I have really missed during my 4 years here. I would love to be back home. Plus - the city of Vancouver is phenomenal, and it suits me well. I am completly inspired by it, and I could see myself blending into the young urbanite culture seamlessly. The downsides? Earthquakes (hey - it's a valid thing to think about) and the fact that I would have to take a year of unclassified studies in order to even get into their program, becuase the requirements are so much different in BC.
Tennessee: (master of Education, Elementary)The big thing about going to Tennessee is that Marcus and I would be staying together. Not only that, but I would have a house to live in and a car to drive, and be able to focus my time and energy on my studies. Vanderbilt has the 4th best Master of Education program in the WORLD, and I would be able to get some fantastic work after graduating from there. The downside - Tennessse is *nowhere* on my radar - no family, no connection to the city. Lots of snakes and spider. Lots of southern George Bush supporters. Ignorance. Fat people (sorry.. that's rude - I take it back). And the fact that if my boyfriend doles out 27,000 in tuition for my education, I might as well put a ring on my finger. And as much as I love marcus, there is a little voice in my tummy that tells me that I am not really for that yet - that there's more out there for me to do, and to understand, before I make any sort of commitment.

So - that's my story, morning glory. I guess the first step is to get my bloody student loan so that I can pay to apply to all of these schools, and take it from there.

Wow. I guess I do have a lot to talk about :)