She's Electric (can I be electric too?)

I can't even begin to describe how good it felt to hand my marking over to Judy - I caught her in the office around 2:30, and just wanted to cry, I felt so bad about it. She gave me a hug, and told me to, well - she said, "Bri, you have just got to learn not to worry so much. And mark quicker damnit. I marked 400 papers in the past two weeks". And then we sat in her office, discussing a potential M.F.A. at U of T? I really need to make a decision about my future in the next few weeks. Calgary? Ontario? Vancouver? Australia (I know, I'm scared of snakes - but imagine the opportunities I would have to conquer my fears while surfing in the warm waters of the ocean all year round). I'm sure that the battle of my future will duke it out in a second round of frantic blogging, but for now I'm just content to understand that I really have to make a decision.

Tonight? Well, I won't lie - I'm pretty tired. I have a rehearsal tomorrow for 313 before I catch my ride to Toronto (and yeah, by ride, I definitly mean that I'm flying in style ... in a 16 seater Cessna. Still - the luxury is in the concept). I land around 3, eat dinner, go and see the last evening performance of Hairspray - yeah, it's safe to say that I'm pretty excited.

I'm not in the mood to be cerebral right now - existing on the surface of my evening is fine for me, as I just plan on coasting through to a good night's sleep in a couple of hours (my first one, honestly, in days). I had an amazing dessert date with Ashley - she pretty much helped me to put everything in my world right now into complete perspective. Over the summer, her and her 'perfect' boyfriend broke up (not that I think Marcus is perfect at all... if I did, I would probably still want to be with him. But the point is that everyone in our lives thought that we were going to get married, and that made me so mad). And Ash said that it takes guts to stand up for yourself, and for what you know is important, even though it's hard. And yeah - it killed me to talk to Marcus (well, still talking to Marcus. It's a slow process), and it killed me to tell him that I've been feeling this way for a long time ... but I was finally doing something for myself. Something because I deserve to be stupidinlove with somebody, not just comfortable. Something because I should be excited to kiss my boyfriend, I should have tingles in my toes when I see him - not be turned off by it. I deserve that - and I know that he's out there, y'know?

I was talking with A.S. last night on msn (yeah, for quite a while - but honestly that is an entirely different story that I don't need to get in to right now, for the sake of sticking with my original point!) Anyway, Adam and I got pretty deep into the topic of the perfect love. Okay - perfect is a pretty dumb word to use, let me rephrase that. We talked a lot about what the most important qualities in the opposite sex are. And of course it started out pretty light - we both like athletic, smart, funny people who can keep us talking. Adam likes girls who can play the guitar. I like guys with beautiful eyes. But it got deeper, and I was really suprised about what I learned. We talked a lot about being accepted, and I kind of had a gut wrenching moment ... because that's at the heart of it all, isn't it? That's what we all need. Someone to look at us, and someone understand that we're okay the way that we are - neuroses, flaws, vulnerability, fears and all. I knew that I really loved a certain person (the only person that I've ever really loved, if I were to use the word in it's celestial form) because I looked at them, and saw a flawed, scared, bad-singing, messy, imperfect vision of absolute perfection. Does that make sense at all? Everything about them, I accepted, no - I admired. I loved. I wanted to know so much about him, and cared about what he thought of the world - that meant something to me. I really loved this person. Unfortunatly? Unrequited. Y'know? But I'm a stronger person, I really am. Everything happens for a reason, everything has to happen for a reason, and there has to be a reason why he didn't love me back. I just don't think I'll ever know what that was. My mom thinks he's gay :)

Okay - back to my conversation. From what I gathered, I think that A.S. is looking for someone who's going to be cool with him rocking out from time to time to Slipknot, and cool with him being the shy, sensitive, self-aware guy that he is inside. We've all got this need, but the question is - can we give it to each other? Can we love eachother as entire people, just as in awe of each other's flaws as we are with the good bits? I don't know. That's a hard question to answer objectively, because on one hand, I've got my idealist side saying that this sort of love is out there. On the other? I'm really beginning to understand human nature, and we may just be hopeless. Really. Since when did I become such a cynic? A month ago, I would be writing about the karma of doing unto others ... about the world having a better layer, just underneath the cruelty and corruption. Now I think there's no hope? Nah. I'm always going to hope. I need that.

Here's the song I'm rocking to right now. I'll admit, OLP isn't my favorite band, but this song takes me away a bit. It's got a raw edge to it, and I get caught up in it every time it cycles through the playlist.

Life

How many days have you just slept away?
Is everybody high?
Is everyone afraid?

How many times have you wished you were strong?
Have they ever seen your heart?
Have they ever seen your pain?

Oh, Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up, but we're alive
Oh, Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up, but we'll survive

So that's it - those are the thoughts for the day. I've got a busy weekend ahead of me, so I might as well get started on memorizing my lines for tomorrow's rehearsal. Next week, I'm back on track - I promise :)

Oh - and ... wish me luck this weekend. Maybe I could get just a bit of fate on my side, and I'll be okay :)