Divine Intervention

Sometimes people get what they deserve. Yesterday I was driving north into Calgary from my school (which is about 15 minutes south of the city) and I happened across one of these:

Except that it was in 2 pieces with its left wheel bent out at an odd angle like a badly broken foot. The driver was on his cell phone, probably to his trophy wife, and there were no other cars in sight, nor did the ferrari strike anything. The likely problem? That's what you get for being a prick and driving your car too fast.

In other news, I'm blogging again. I sort of miss it.

Thoughts from Adequacy

Today was alright. So far, most of the 3 weeks I've spent teaching high school drama have been alright. I'm so puzzled by it - I was really looking forward to being a drama teacher, but now I'm counting down the days until it's over. Nothing is wrong, exactly - I'm teaching in a good school, have a supportive supervisor, etc. But the kids I'm teaching aren't interested in Drama. They're not interested in challenging themselves. They have so much apathy that I'm knee deep in it and wondering, in 4 weeks, how I'm supposed to make a difference.

My supervisor has told me, "don't worry - this is just how kids are these days. They don't care about anything any more". But I can't believe that. What I do believe, is that I'm not going to make them care about anything in the 7 classes that I have left with them. I can't make them stop calling things "stupid". I can't make them get off of the floor where they lie, sleeping when they are supposed to be doing group work. I can't make them understand how theatre can change someone's experience.

All I can do is ask nicely.

So basically, I'm okay. Life is okay. I teach kids who aren't interested, come home, plan lessons and sleep as much as I can. I'm a bit depressed - I find that I don't really look forward to anything. I wake up, I get dressed. The best part of my day is when I crawl into bed and it's all nice and warm and steve curls up around me. Not that anything is bad, really. It's not. I have nothing to complain about. I also have nothing to blog about - hence my real lack of updates.

I'll be back in better spirits in a week and three days, I promise. Until then, wish me luck moving through the days until it arrives.

In To the Archives

My trip to Palm Springs to visit my grandparents was a bust. One advantage to having a parent who works for Air Canada is that you get (almost) free flights pretty much anywhere you want to go. One disadvantage is that you can only take those flights when there is a seat on the plane that is not occupied by either

a) a revenue customer
b) a revenue standby
or
c) an employee standby (called a 'con') who has higher seniority than me

Which means that at March Break, getting to a sunny destination like Palm Springs is no easy task.

So I'm taking a consolation vacation - I've come home to Vancouver to visit my mom and my dog, Waldo. I've basically been put to work since I've been here; my mom is preparing for a big garage sale, and we're trying to crate train our 9 year old dog who has separation anxiety. That being said, it's nice to be home. It's nice to have my mom make smoothies for me with fresh fruit and yogurt. It's nice to sleep in as long as I like with a little dog curled up next to me. It's nice to go to Walmart and buy two pairs of shoes...er, spend quality time with my mom.

It's also very nice to have a break from teaching, and enough time to write a proper blog entry.

My mom just got a new computer and a fab new scanner, so I've started scanning in some of my favorite pictures from when I was a kid. Here's a few of the best - all of me and my brother, or me, Regan and Mom.

Enjoy! And hopefully I'll have time over the next few days to keep up with the blog

Not-So-Steady Eddie

I know it's been a long time since I've posted something of any significance or interest here. It's not that I don't have anything to say, but I'm currently neck-deep in my second practicum and spend any and all free time sleeping. Seriously. If I come home and have 15 minutes until I have to make dinner, I sleep. That's how exhausted I am at the end of the day.

Other than the waking up early and working long days thing, my second teaching placement has been alright. I'm at quite an affluent school and am teaching drama to grades 10, 11 and 12. It's a lot of fun, but also a ton of work as I stretch to find resources and activities to fill each day. There's no textbook to turn to and no worksheets to fill out on a tough day. It all has to come from me. Ergo the tired stuff.

ANYWAY - I have awesome news! Today was a very good day, because I went with Steve's mom and dad to go and pick out a new puppy! I would like to introduce everyone to Eddie. He is a 4 week old cocker spaniel, has a hard time supporting his own weight and pees recklessly on any clean surface he can find ... and he belongs to Steve and family!
I couldn't be happier to have a dog in my life. I think that Steve and my relationship is going to be going uphill from here - mostly because of how happy I am about Eddie. He comes "home" on March 21st ... obviously, many more pictures to follow.

Bri, Live From the Red Carpet

The big night is here. I've eaten every bit of junk food in my pantry dinner, donned my expensive frock (yes, thank you, my dress tonight is a shapeless nightie made by wal-mart) and gave some thought to doing my lesson plan for tomorrow.

But all that was thrown out the window when Ellen declared that "without gays, blacks and jews, there would be no Oscars". What a statement! I'm hooked. Plus, she looks pretty hip in her velvet tux and special Oscar-ready running shoes.

Can I just say that I LOVE the Academy Awards? If I were Ryan Seacrest, I would have told Gweneth exactly what I thought of her orange-y copper-y dress with red lipstick. Sorry Gweneth.

Let the games begin!

Long March Towards a Job

I normally wouldn't be up before 11 on a Saturday - for any reason. But the promise of 35 local private schools in one place was enough to drag me out of bed at 8:15, put on my nicest "I'm a professional but fun teacher" outfit and head down to the Toronto Science Centre for the Independent Schools Employment Fair.

I'm a bit skeptical. I imagine that it's going to be like a little science fair; each school sets up a bright and shiny display, and we walk from booth to booth, hearing about how great their extracurricular programs are. Am I going to walk away with a job today? I'm not counting on it. But if my name and face gets out into the private school world ... if even one person remembers me, it will have been worth getting up so early for.

A Couple in Calgary

In Calgary, my brother pulled out his new digital rebel camera (a professional digital SLR versus the crappy point and shoots that most of us use) and took a few pictures of Steve and I at Eau Claire Market after dinner. The light wasn't that great (clearly, it was night time) but I think a few of them turned out really well! The pics above were two of the best

Words of Wisdom For A New Teacher

February 14th

Valentine's Day makes me happy. If I were to have one true reason for being on this planet, I'm sure it would have something to do with loving other people. I try my hardest to love openly and honestly and to love people before judging them. I'm not always successful but I'm mindful of how important it is to me, most of the time. I'm a lover. When I teach, I love my students. When I nanny, I love the kids I work with. I love the girls I mentor. I love my boyfriend. I love my friends. I keep people close and tend to nurture my friends and family.

Valentine's day is, therefore, a good holiday for me because it's about loving other people. Traditionally, you would send a message to someone you cared about asking "will you be my valentine?" If they answered "yes", then - well, you know. A relationship begins. But it's that initial expression of desire that I love so much. The fact that love, my favorite emotion and my guiding star, has the chance to be centre stage for a day. The people on the subway with bunches of flowers, hurrying home to greet their wives and husbands.

I know that a lot of people think it's an obligatory holiday, and I suppose it is made to feel that way. "It's Valentine's Day, and you have to spend money, or your girlfriend will feel unloved" is the message that we get. But that's the wrong way to look at it. If you strip away the malls and think about how wonderful and refreshing it is to have a day -a holiday- that celebrates lovers ... well, it feels nicer and warmer and more personal. Other people argue that if you're romantic the other 364 days of the year, it's better than only being romantic on Valentine's Day. This is true, of course, and I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone who only expressed themselves once a year. But again, for me, I get excited about this day in particular.

I'm not expressing my arguments very well because they aren't logical and easy to put into words. I feel genuinely positive about being in love and about the culture of love and about sharing my feelings with others. Because of that, Valentine's Day, with or without the chocolate, resonates with me.

So here I am, on Valentine's Day. Despite how much I look forward to it, it has never really lived up to my expectations. I have put so much energy into making cards for boyfriends, packages for friends that are far away, even baking intricate cakes and writing poems and trying to learn songs on the guitar and buying sweet gifts... and I have to stop and think, "am I the only one that cares?" And what does all this effort and hard work mean when it isn't reciprocated? I feel lousy, usually. I spend hours working on projects only to wind up with a bit of a hollow pit in my stomach.

So here's my plan. I'm going to start making Valentine's day for me. I'm going to pick out and wrap up a beautiful pair of earrings or some expensive lotions and soaps. I'm going to make myself a card and write a great note inside about how great I am. I'm going to bake a batch of cookies in the shape of hearts. And then I'm going to open my present, read my card, put on my favorite pajamas and eat every single cookie. And then I think I'll feel more loved than I ever have before.

It's Great, If You're Not Driving

Today is my day off. After a rather lofty promise to my housemate last night that I would work out with her today, at which point I assumed that I would be going to bed some time before 3 in the morning, I woke up at 7am, put on my gym clothes and was ready to go.

This in itself is unusual for me. I am a champion sleeper and quite content to spend my day off lounging in my bed for as long as possible. I also have grown to love my nice, soft belly. Not only can I do impersonations of women who are 5 months pregnant, Steve loves my tummy; he calls it Buddah and talks to it. Seriously. So the point is, it's clearly time to start a gym routine.

What was more unusual was that Toronto was hit with a pretty awesome snowstorm last night. And what better time to walk the 8 blocks to the gym than in -25 weather and knee high snow? When we trudged out this morning there was a good 15cm on the ground and drifts on the sidewalk above our knees in some places. Because I don't own a car, I love it. It was one of those mornings where you can walk right down the centre of the street (out of necessity ... you have to follow the tire tracks) and the snow looks like it swallowed the world like a giant marshmallow.

Here are some not so ambitious pictures from my venture this morning (my camera battery died right away).This is the snow fall accummulation on my garbage can. Very artistic, I know.
Our path out this morning was block by snow almost up to our knees!

Happy snow day, friends. I think I might sneak back to bed for a nap.

Whimsical

This is a neat video - it's a commercial made by Sony. They actually used 250,000 bouncy balls and released them on a hill in San Francisco. There is a documentary on how it was made and filmed which is equally fascinating, but for the time being - enjoy the bouncing balls! I found the whole thing very relaxing (and I wonder who had to do clean up after, and if there are still bouncy balls hiding in peoples' garbage cans, etc!)



Like No Other - video powered by Metacafe

Back Home

In four days, I'm taking Steve home to Calgary to meet my family. (Not all of my family, actually - my mom lives in Coquitlam BC and my Dad lives in his parents' basement in Victoria, but most of my family).

I'm feeling both excited and nervous about our trip. Firstly - it's only 3 days, which doesn't give us nearly enough time to enjoy the city and the company. Secondly ... Calgary isn't the kind of city that bowls someone over the minute they land. It's the kind of city that grows on you. For me, it's home and every street and every store and every building is part of my story. But for a visitor, it's cold and sprawling and has a poor excuse for a tower downtown that feigns as a tourist attraction. In fact, it has a poor excuse for a lot of things. But still, STILL, despite the fact that it really isn't a metropolitan centre like Toronto, that it isn't as vibrant as Montreal, that it isn't as beautiful as Vancouver ... something keeps calling me back.

Maybe it's the mountains. Maybe it's the schools, which are first class in the country. Maybe it's the family. Maybe it's the 'small town' feel in a big town environment. I don't know. But I love that place. I loved growing up there, I loved playing soccer there, and I would love to live there again.

That being said, one thing I have learned over the last 7 years (where I have called Calgary, Vancouver, Victoria, Coquitlam, Kingston, Mississauga and Toronto "home") is that home really is where the heart is. I've loved every single city I've lived in and I know, in my heart, that wherever I end up, it will become home for me and my family (okay, my future family).

With the pressure off, hopefully Steve will get along with my sisters and brother and stepmom (who is actually no longer my stepmom, but I'm not really sure what to call her otherwise). I hope he enjoys himself there with me. And most of all, I hope he understands a little bit more of my story.

Purge Purge Purge

It's clean sweep time here in the Little Calgary household. Both my housemate Kelsey and I have been motivated lately to go through our things and think about what we REALLY want. For me, the big things are my makeup, nail polish and shoes. For her, it's the three drawers of tee shirts.

Regardless, one of my favorite things to do is to de-clutter my life. I would rather 75% fewer things that I love and use all the time, than more things that simply take up space. My wardrobe is a good example. I wear the same core staples almost every week. How much "extra" do I need?

Two rules that are GREAT for purging are:
1. If it doesn't fit the vision of your home, or the vision of your life, it has to go.
2. If you haven't used, worn, loved or enjoyed it in 1 year, it has to go

This goes for clothes, collectibles, shoes, purses, old letters, memorabilia, furniture, kitchen utensils .. everything! If you don't love it, wear it or use it ... get RID OF IT!

I think a lot of people keep things because of the memory attached to them. I know that I have things that I don't really need/love, but I love the memory of how I acquired them, or the memory of who gave it to me. But I think we have to ask ourselves - is the memory more important than the item, and if it is so meaningful to us, why not display or use it?

I dunno. I've always been a "clean sweeper" and go through my papers, letters and clothes at least once every six months. It feels SO good to open my closet or my drawers and see only things that I want to be there.

okay, I'll get off my soap box. I have a sock drawer to go through!

Look at my Cute Boy

Uh..., originally uploaded by NWOntario.

Sometimes I fall in love with him all over again

... seriously! I'm not being sarcastic!

That is Some Pig

Are you in your mid twenties? Have no idea who you really are? Then head over to the "Draw a Pig And Find Out Your Personality" website and follow the instructions.

Here is a picture of my pig:
Good Luck finding yourself! :D

The Graduate

Well, here they are ... my grad photos.

Let it be known that I REALLY wanted to take one with my hair behind my ears, which is how I normally wear it. Also, I wanted to take one with a mini-smile (no teeth) since I look a bit gimpish with the tooth smile.

So anyway, they sort of all look the same. I'm not crazy about them AT ALL, but at least they didn't make me wear the hat, y'know?

Darkness

I'm taking a mental health day today, if only for the fact that I'm able to. I'm feeling fine, actually. I'm just a bit bored with my routine. I thought I would stay home and do nothing instead of go to my afternoon class and be productive. So far, it's been a good choice. I have done, literally, nothing. When I try to think of something I should be doing, nothing comes to me. I'm sitting at my desk feeling pleasantly empty.

It's cold outside today. I can only tell because my window is open a crack to compensate for the fact that my wall heater is stuck on "high" and I am constantly stripping off layers in order to be comfortable. I think I've finally achieved the balance between sweltering heat from the heater and freezing wind blowing in from the window. My room is crisp now, but not uncomfortable. Much better for sleeping.

I have an intersting story. Last night I saw the one man play "Monster" by Daniel MacIvor, performed by MacIvor himself (who was incredible, but I'm going to refrain from writing a review here). The show started out, as most do, by the lowering of the lights to blackout. Instead of the lights going up on stage,however, the audience sat in complete blackness. 10 second passed. 30 seconds. a minute. Somebody coughed. Nothing happened on stage.

What I mean by complete blackness is COMPLETE blackness - not a single source of light from anywhere - not even slipping in under a door or from backstage. I have never, in my entire life, been in a place so void of light. My eyes were frantically searching the room, looking for something to focus on. There was nothing. I felt totally blind. Immediately, I lost my sense of place. I could hear myself breathing but could not find my hands in front of me. I began to feel large and then small, as though I was filling the space around me and then receding from it. I couldn't tell which way was which. Add to all this was the growing panic as I began to fear what was about to happen on stage. The longer we all sat in the blackness, the more anxious we all became. 2 minutes passed, then 3. I felt like I was floating away. Finally, MacIvors voice came over the speakers, "shut up, asshole". The play began.

I don't know what it meant to be so scared of the dark. I felt like I didn't exist anymore. It was surreal. My friends that I went with shared the same thoughts after the show was over. I would experience it again if I could. The Toronto Star gave "Monster" 4 out of 4 stars, claiming, "Welcome to Daniel MacIvor's nightmare". I would agree - and somewhere in the darkness, we find our own nightmares too, I think.

That's enough brooding for today, don't you think?

Thunder Bay, Today

I love the United States!

Today Steve and I, along with two of his friends from Thunder Bay (where I am currently visiting him for the weekend and shacking up at his hotel) drove to another country for pizza. I was told that Grand Marais, Minnesota (population 1500, 1.5 hours from Thunder Bay) had the world's best pizza ... so we went there for lunch and ended up having a blast.

Here's some pics from my latest adventure:

Steve and I by Lake Superior

Ice on the lake

Beth and I having a fantastic party-a-deux in the back seat

This picture was taken while we were driving 90km an hour ... think about it

A great shot. You just missed steve trying to stick out his tongue and lick my face.

Stuffed

Men - most men, anyway, don't leave home without two things: their wallet and their cell phone (never mind that my boyfriend was once quoted as having said that he had no use for a cell phone in toronto and now talks with his friends on it like a 14-year-old girl). That's all they need.

I am getting ready for school tomorrow and laying out my essentials - that is, the things that I will absolutely not leave home without unless I'm just dragging my sorry ass to the corner store for milk because mine has gone rotton. Again.

I don't leave home without the following things:
1 hair elastic, 3 barettes (in case of a bad hair day), 1 miniature brush (to fix said hair), 1 pack of gum (for kissing), 1 extra pair of contact lenses, one bottle of eye drops so that I can wear my lenses longer than reccommended by my doctor, 2 tubes of lip balm (in case I lose one), one small bottle of hand lotion, coverup (for those totally random zits) 2 tampons and a travel sized bottle of advil. Not to mention my wallet, dayplanner, cell phone, mp3 player, sunglasses, subway tokens, house keys and water bottle.

I seriously had NO idea I was so high maintenance. But it's true, I am. I'm one of those women whose purse is absolutely overflowing. And the problem is? I can't think of one thing to take off that list.

Back to packing for school tomorrow ... probably for the next 2 hours, by the looks of it!

Hold Me Thrill Me Kiss Me Kill Me

Everything is great right now. Better than great, really. Sometimes when I'm lucky I'll click in to a groove for a few weeks and my life will appear to be right on track.

Sarah Mclaughlan wrote that album "Fumbling Towards Esctasty" ... and I feel like I'm careening towards togetherness right now. School is idyllic, literally. Like a little mini paradise filled with Bri-type people who are happy and outgoing and interesting and who (I think) genuinely like me. It usually takes me years -YEARS!- to fit in to a new environment (I get social stage fright) but somehow I've made the transition almost painlessly. Like, I wake up in the morning pinch myself, saying "wow, I've got friends!" I know how pathetic that sounds.

And best of all, things with Steve seem to be getting better (and better) as we go beyond the two year mark in our relationship. I've had a romantic renaissance lately (after spending 3 weeks in Western Canada - absense truly does make the heart grow fonder) and have felt like Steve and I are back in the 'newlywed' phase where everything he say makes my heart pound in my ears. Like, a few days ago, he walked into the room and I felt like I had sawdust on my tongue. It's almost surreal. I think it's been years since the thought of sitting on the couch with my head in his lap while he ignores me and watches football/talks on MSN with Adam Say was appealing, but now I feel like saying, "that sounds DIVINE". I'm an idiot. I mean .. this is the same person that I left behind in December? Not much has changed in him (except that I pinned him down and plucked his eyebrows last week) but something in me is attracted to him all over again. I love it. We should take extented vacations more often.

Okay, I'm done being moony and gooey. I'll spare you the sap and get myself to bed. Just sending good vibes out there to everyone on what is a REALLY busy week.

B.

Exceptional

I used to think that I was really exceptional - mainly, because I spent high school carefully orchestrating my social circle and academic achievement so that I would appear as exceptional as possible. Lots of people fell for it. I had boyfriends and best friends and awards. Now, I'm worried that I'm losing my flair.

Living in Toronto makes me feel ordinary. I feel that spending two years in a house the size of a bomb shelter is enough to dampen one's fantastic-ness. But it's more than that - I'm being outplayed here. In my teaching program, I've made so many friends because everyone is ... well, amazing. I'm getting my degree with Rhodes scholars and people who have done peace missions in Cambodia and people who have raised families. I sometimes wonder what I really have to offer.

So tonight I took Steve's mom to see an advance screening of "Miss Potter". And it's all about her amazing children's books and her paintings and it was such a lovely, sweet movie. I thought to myself "I could write a children's book"

And then I thought to myself ... no, I probably couldn't. And THEN I thought to myself - what am I really really talented at?

And then I thought to myself, I stopped playing the piano after grade 5, can't knit (unless someone wants a square), quit soccer (bad knees), quit track and field (too much running), don't really speak french all that well, haven't painted or drawn for years, am not a great cook or gardener, don't invent children's books about bunnies in jackets, can't fix computers or build bird houses or even whistle very loudly. I had a vague ambition of being an olympic bobsledder but couldn't find anything to bobsled down. I don't do makeovers.

And that made me feel ordinary.

It's 2:27 in the morning, by the way. I'm just stupid in a "not-tired-now-and-not-worried-about-the-consequences" kind of way. But I needed to think of something that I was really, really good at before I went to bed. Sort of like drinking warm milk for my ego. And here's what I came up with.

I am a supurb organizer.

This may not sound like much. But when your closets are colour coded and your drawers are labelled and your boxes have bins that have dividers, when your books are stored and your binder is neat and tidy ... it's a good feeling. Maybe even better than bobsledding.

So I don't feel so ordinary anymore. I realized that I'm also good at shopping, flirting and cribbage. I do a great job throwing out old stuff and am slowly learning more about photography. And most of all, I think I'm a good teacher. I may never write a children's book, but I might just be okay after all.

Would the Real Me Please Stand Up?

And now, the information you've all been patiently awaiting: according to www.howmanyofme.com, there are 170 females in the US who are named Brianna Johnson.

It makes me feel so ... insignificant.

How many are there of you?

Nothing Wrong, Just Not Feeling It

I have to go back to school tomorrow, after being off since December 12th of last year. Don't get me wrong, I like school. But I just spent 3 weeks travelling, hanging out with family, basically doing nothing ... and I like that more. Much more.

What it boils down to is commitment. School involves being in a certain place at a certain time, whether or not I really feel like it. When that certain time is before 9am, I'm usually not too enthused. I thought I had it made when I was working in the restaurant industry because I never had a shift starting before 5pm ... but it turns out that I'm not a drug addict suited for restaurant work, so here I am. Going to school in 8 hours.

I think that before things get too hairy here in Toronto (I have board applications due this month, am taking a trip to Thunder Bay, lots of things due, etc) I should post my favorite pics from the Holidays. Now you get to see how freakishly similar my siblings and I are in appearance. So, in no real order ... check out the posts below for some decent pictures of my time in Vancouver/Calgary

Mom and I on Christmas Eve

Mom and I on Christmas Eve
Originally uploaded by just bri.

Mom at Regan's

Mom at Regan's
Originally uploaded by just bri.

Mom and Regan playing Wii

Mom and Regan playing Wii
Originally uploaded by just bri.

My mom and brother playing nintendo Wii (boxing) in my bro's apartment in Calgary

Wet Waldo

Wet Waldo
Originally uploaded by just bri.

My dog does NOT like taking a bath

Regan, Heather and Bri

With the stepmom
Originally uploaded by just bri.

My brother and I with my stepmom Heather ... except that she isn't exactly our stepmom anymore.

Here's the story.

My dad and mom had 2 children, regan and I. Then divorced.

My dad and Heather got married and had 2 more children, Jessica (13) and Hannah (almost 11), and now THEY'RE divorced.

Needless to say, my dad doesn't have a great track record. But he does have 4 biological children.

Anyway, this is Heather. She is wonderful and now lives in calgary with the girls and her boyfriend John.

4 Johnson Kids

4 Johnson Kids
Originally uploaded by just bri.

All of us together for the first time in a LONG time

Regan, Hannah and Jessica

Regan and his sisters
Originally uploaded by just bri.

My siblings!

Me and my sisters

Me and my sisters
Originally uploaded by just bri.

The haircut "after" shots, with younger sister hannah joining in (who patiently sat in the waiting room for 3 hours!)

Me, getting my hair done

Me, getting my hair done
Originally uploaded by just bri.

We went for a girl's day together!

Jess, getting her hair done

Jess, getting her haid done
Originally uploaded by just bri.

My 13 year old sister Jessica in the stylist's chair

Dad, Hannah and the wrecked car

Dad, Hannah and the wrecked car
Originally uploaded by just bri.

My dad was on his way to meet all of us for dinner, and he ended up spinning on some loose gravel and careening into a pole. At least he still has his legs ... and his sense of humor!

2006 in a Brief Review

I haven't been in a very festive mood recently, so forgive me for a review that may sound more somber than how you might envision me. I can't even imagine how people envision me. Isn't it strange that we never really know what people think of us? We can guess, and some people hide their opinions better than others, but still. There are a lot of people out there who have no idea how highly I think of them, or how much I dislike them (let's be honest, right?) Technology is so invasive but private thoughts are still impenetrable. My best friend told me that when she met me, she didn't like me. I shouldn't have been hurt, but I was. I mean, I was so friendly! So nice! So warm! But my friendliness was what put her off. She doesn't like people who are too ... y'know, like, too much. And I guess I can be a little bit much. Anyway, we like each other now. I guess that's the good thing.

So - back to my melancholy. Nothing is wrong, exactly, but I tend to go through phases where I'm convinced that I'm some great thinker and become a temporary introvert. We're talking don't answer the phone, don't check my email, pretend the outside world doesn't exist kind of phases. I feel like a happy person, but somewhere inside of me I'm so confused by things. I try not to deal with it too much. I work on what I can, focus on the good, feel gratitude for what I have, all that stuff that makes people think that I've got my shit together.

But do you ever wake up and think to yourself, "what's the point?" Not in a suicidal way, seriously. Just, I do things all the time ... shop for things I want, try to advance my career, choose people to have relationships with. But if you asked me why I exist ... well, I don't have an answer for you.

Okay, this was supposed to be a year in review, but now I feel like I have to talk about God. And I need to warn you that I approach religion from a scientific background, which in short means, I'm not religious. I'm also not "spiritual-but-not-religious" because I wouldn't be able to tell you what spiritual means, which basically means that I haven't figured anything out yet. I can't force myself to believe in God. But at the same time, I meet people who truly believe that they're being personally cared for by a bearded man who lives in the sky and I think, "that must be so NICE ... to believe in something like that". And maybe that's why the idea of God exists, because it feels so good to have meaning. To belong to something.

I'm brooding, I know. And there are people who are probably scrolling through looking for my top 10 concerts of 2006 or something similarly entertaining. Sorry. I'm also sorry if I am offending you - feel free to stop reading at any time.

Anyway, this is totally random now and not at all planned, but here are 25 thoughts on 2006:

1. I worked some lousy jobs that almost wrecked me
2. I had the strength to quit a lousy jobs when I was being taken advantage of
3. I started and ended the year in a relationship with the same person, which is no surprise.
4. Our relationship changed a lot over the course of a year. Some things have made us a more exceptional couple, and some things seem to stay the same the more we try to change them.
5. I have decided that love is a choice, not a sweep-me-off-my-feet deal.
6. I decided this year that Steve is a wonderful man to love
7. I met friends who will change my path in life simply be being a part of it
8. I lost friends who were important to me and feel helpless about it
9. I really started to like living in Toronto. I stopped fearing the subway, started exploring and embraced the heat and humidity
10. I chose teaching and started my B.Ed, and the decision feels more wonderful every day that I spend in the classroom and with my new teacher friends
11. I spent my summer in an unlikely job that I ended up being really good at
12. I learned how to stand up for myself
13. I struggled with my self-image while working in a restaurant that employs skinny, beautiful people
14. I learned how to drive a golf cart
15. I stood in front of a class or 15 year old delinquents and made them interested in Canadian History
16. I stood in front of a class of 18 year old gifted students and choked
17. I saw Bob Dylan, The Who, Eric Clapton and Tom Petty in a span of 3 months
18. I was the first person someone told when they came out as being gay
19. I started to care about the Toronto Blue Jays
20. I have lived in the same house for more than 12 months, which hasn't happened since I was in grade 10
21. I became friends with my neighbours
22. I played on a championship sports team
23. I saw the Calgary Flames play live for the first time in years
24. I realized that Facebook IS God
25. I became the kind of person that makes me proud to be

So that's it - that's my year in review. Granted, when I look back over the last 12 months, everything feels pretty hazy. Nothing extraordinary happened and I don't have the photographic memory that steve does so I can't recount any funny or tear-jerking moments, but I do feel as though 2006 was a turning point for me. It was the year between being a Queen's student and being a grown up. A year ago, I used to wonder how I would know I wasn't a kid anymore. Now, having stood in front of a classroom of kids, I feel pretty sure that I no longer fit in. In 2006, I grew up. I ended a formative chapter in my life and threw myself into my future. Right now, I feel like I'm looking nowhere but ahead.

Hopes for 2007? I'd like to get a teaching job in September, and settle somewhere where I don't have to live like a student any more. Ideally, Steve and I could coordinate our futures so that we could end up somewhere living together, but I know that a lot of that is out of my hands. I just want to settle. I want to have a place that is home. And a paycheque with benefits.

Okay, it's 4 in the morning so I'm going to end this before I start slobbering on the keys. Happy New Year everyone, wherever you are and however you're feeling and whatever you're excited or nervous about. Take care of yourself in 2007. I'll be back tomorrow with some lighter fare.