February 14th

Valentine's Day makes me happy. If I were to have one true reason for being on this planet, I'm sure it would have something to do with loving other people. I try my hardest to love openly and honestly and to love people before judging them. I'm not always successful but I'm mindful of how important it is to me, most of the time. I'm a lover. When I teach, I love my students. When I nanny, I love the kids I work with. I love the girls I mentor. I love my boyfriend. I love my friends. I keep people close and tend to nurture my friends and family.

Valentine's day is, therefore, a good holiday for me because it's about loving other people. Traditionally, you would send a message to someone you cared about asking "will you be my valentine?" If they answered "yes", then - well, you know. A relationship begins. But it's that initial expression of desire that I love so much. The fact that love, my favorite emotion and my guiding star, has the chance to be centre stage for a day. The people on the subway with bunches of flowers, hurrying home to greet their wives and husbands.

I know that a lot of people think it's an obligatory holiday, and I suppose it is made to feel that way. "It's Valentine's Day, and you have to spend money, or your girlfriend will feel unloved" is the message that we get. But that's the wrong way to look at it. If you strip away the malls and think about how wonderful and refreshing it is to have a day -a holiday- that celebrates lovers ... well, it feels nicer and warmer and more personal. Other people argue that if you're romantic the other 364 days of the year, it's better than only being romantic on Valentine's Day. This is true, of course, and I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone who only expressed themselves once a year. But again, for me, I get excited about this day in particular.

I'm not expressing my arguments very well because they aren't logical and easy to put into words. I feel genuinely positive about being in love and about the culture of love and about sharing my feelings with others. Because of that, Valentine's Day, with or without the chocolate, resonates with me.

So here I am, on Valentine's Day. Despite how much I look forward to it, it has never really lived up to my expectations. I have put so much energy into making cards for boyfriends, packages for friends that are far away, even baking intricate cakes and writing poems and trying to learn songs on the guitar and buying sweet gifts... and I have to stop and think, "am I the only one that cares?" And what does all this effort and hard work mean when it isn't reciprocated? I feel lousy, usually. I spend hours working on projects only to wind up with a bit of a hollow pit in my stomach.

So here's my plan. I'm going to start making Valentine's day for me. I'm going to pick out and wrap up a beautiful pair of earrings or some expensive lotions and soaps. I'm going to make myself a card and write a great note inside about how great I am. I'm going to bake a batch of cookies in the shape of hearts. And then I'm going to open my present, read my card, put on my favorite pajamas and eat every single cookie. And then I think I'll feel more loved than I ever have before.