2006 in a Brief Review

I haven't been in a very festive mood recently, so forgive me for a review that may sound more somber than how you might envision me. I can't even imagine how people envision me. Isn't it strange that we never really know what people think of us? We can guess, and some people hide their opinions better than others, but still. There are a lot of people out there who have no idea how highly I think of them, or how much I dislike them (let's be honest, right?) Technology is so invasive but private thoughts are still impenetrable. My best friend told me that when she met me, she didn't like me. I shouldn't have been hurt, but I was. I mean, I was so friendly! So nice! So warm! But my friendliness was what put her off. She doesn't like people who are too ... y'know, like, too much. And I guess I can be a little bit much. Anyway, we like each other now. I guess that's the good thing.

So - back to my melancholy. Nothing is wrong, exactly, but I tend to go through phases where I'm convinced that I'm some great thinker and become a temporary introvert. We're talking don't answer the phone, don't check my email, pretend the outside world doesn't exist kind of phases. I feel like a happy person, but somewhere inside of me I'm so confused by things. I try not to deal with it too much. I work on what I can, focus on the good, feel gratitude for what I have, all that stuff that makes people think that I've got my shit together.

But do you ever wake up and think to yourself, "what's the point?" Not in a suicidal way, seriously. Just, I do things all the time ... shop for things I want, try to advance my career, choose people to have relationships with. But if you asked me why I exist ... well, I don't have an answer for you.

Okay, this was supposed to be a year in review, but now I feel like I have to talk about God. And I need to warn you that I approach religion from a scientific background, which in short means, I'm not religious. I'm also not "spiritual-but-not-religious" because I wouldn't be able to tell you what spiritual means, which basically means that I haven't figured anything out yet. I can't force myself to believe in God. But at the same time, I meet people who truly believe that they're being personally cared for by a bearded man who lives in the sky and I think, "that must be so NICE ... to believe in something like that". And maybe that's why the idea of God exists, because it feels so good to have meaning. To belong to something.

I'm brooding, I know. And there are people who are probably scrolling through looking for my top 10 concerts of 2006 or something similarly entertaining. Sorry. I'm also sorry if I am offending you - feel free to stop reading at any time.

Anyway, this is totally random now and not at all planned, but here are 25 thoughts on 2006:

1. I worked some lousy jobs that almost wrecked me
2. I had the strength to quit a lousy jobs when I was being taken advantage of
3. I started and ended the year in a relationship with the same person, which is no surprise.
4. Our relationship changed a lot over the course of a year. Some things have made us a more exceptional couple, and some things seem to stay the same the more we try to change them.
5. I have decided that love is a choice, not a sweep-me-off-my-feet deal.
6. I decided this year that Steve is a wonderful man to love
7. I met friends who will change my path in life simply be being a part of it
8. I lost friends who were important to me and feel helpless about it
9. I really started to like living in Toronto. I stopped fearing the subway, started exploring and embraced the heat and humidity
10. I chose teaching and started my B.Ed, and the decision feels more wonderful every day that I spend in the classroom and with my new teacher friends
11. I spent my summer in an unlikely job that I ended up being really good at
12. I learned how to stand up for myself
13. I struggled with my self-image while working in a restaurant that employs skinny, beautiful people
14. I learned how to drive a golf cart
15. I stood in front of a class or 15 year old delinquents and made them interested in Canadian History
16. I stood in front of a class of 18 year old gifted students and choked
17. I saw Bob Dylan, The Who, Eric Clapton and Tom Petty in a span of 3 months
18. I was the first person someone told when they came out as being gay
19. I started to care about the Toronto Blue Jays
20. I have lived in the same house for more than 12 months, which hasn't happened since I was in grade 10
21. I became friends with my neighbours
22. I played on a championship sports team
23. I saw the Calgary Flames play live for the first time in years
24. I realized that Facebook IS God
25. I became the kind of person that makes me proud to be

So that's it - that's my year in review. Granted, when I look back over the last 12 months, everything feels pretty hazy. Nothing extraordinary happened and I don't have the photographic memory that steve does so I can't recount any funny or tear-jerking moments, but I do feel as though 2006 was a turning point for me. It was the year between being a Queen's student and being a grown up. A year ago, I used to wonder how I would know I wasn't a kid anymore. Now, having stood in front of a classroom of kids, I feel pretty sure that I no longer fit in. In 2006, I grew up. I ended a formative chapter in my life and threw myself into my future. Right now, I feel like I'm looking nowhere but ahead.

Hopes for 2007? I'd like to get a teaching job in September, and settle somewhere where I don't have to live like a student any more. Ideally, Steve and I could coordinate our futures so that we could end up somewhere living together, but I know that a lot of that is out of my hands. I just want to settle. I want to have a place that is home. And a paycheque with benefits.

Okay, it's 4 in the morning so I'm going to end this before I start slobbering on the keys. Happy New Year everyone, wherever you are and however you're feeling and whatever you're excited or nervous about. Take care of yourself in 2007. I'll be back tomorrow with some lighter fare.