cast no shadow

I feel broken. I'm not in the mood to smile. I don't feel strong at all.

how could I be selfish enough to be upset about something that is making my mom so happy? But in some ways, I feel like I have every right to my feelings. Because any sense of stability that I had, any understanding of 'home', any feeling that my little family was somehow whole again, somehow reconstructed from the destruction we've suffered - well, call me fragile, but it's like these plates are smashing on the ground all around me. My world is spinning madly right now, and I need something to hold on to, something static and calm. I feel like my family keeps breaking, keeps going through a state of revolution, and I can't fix it anymore. I can't keep reaching out in a million directions to hold everything together.

I'm listening to desperado and just wallowing in how uncertain I feel. What an unproductive indulgence. I think I need some quasi-angry, catchy punk music to pull me out of this funk (did someone say Green Day?)

I guess the benefit I've gained from this *interesting* evening is the knowledge that the perfectly-paced relationship I'm in right now is about the healthiest thing that I can do for myself. It's just so ... peaceful. And easy. And right. It's really really right. Maybe that's a better thing to indulge in - something that I know has the slow-burning potential to last for a long time, and make me feel infinitely more warm inside than even the best Green Day song.