I clearly have nothing to say

I braved the biting cold and the bitter wind that was blowing off of frozen lake Ontario today, and walked downtown between classes to do a bit of solo window shopping. I ended up with a really beautiful red dress for Charity Ball this weekend, however came home sans one important item: the book that I've been meaning to buy for a few weeks. Oh, I went to Indigo - and it was there. Three shiny copies, just waiting to be read. Do you know why I didn't buy it today? Because the book was 40 freaking dollars. It's not a special book (although I've certainly heard that it's good). Just a book.

No wonder people go to Chapters and sit on the couches for three hours. We're all too poor to buy anything.

Wednesdays give me a headache. I always get so scared and nervous about teaching my class and then so emotionally exhausted afterwords that I feel as though I need to take a long nap. I had the 100 lecture that I take notes in at 2:30, followed by the 100 class that I teach, followed by an hour long meeting for TAs. I think I've put more work into being a TA than I have into the rest of my classes combined - as soon as someone else is counting on me, and forming an impression of me, I find it very important to live up to their expectations. I want my kids to love me - it's unhealthy, really- and I put a lot of work into being on the ball. The only problem is that the work never really ends - I could worry about my class until my head explodes, and I'd never really get anywhere.

But I'm just talking now - not really saying anything.

My Wish List

1. I wish that I could sit down at my computer and write my essays and assignments without distraction. I procrastinate until it's almost too late to plausibly finish the work, and then plug away until the sun comes up. This is starting to seem like an unhealthy way to approach my school work to me.
2. I wish that I could wake up in the morning. In fact, I wish that I was a morning person. I don't know whether to try to force myself to be, or to admit that I'm a night-owl, and try to make the most of what I've been given
3. I wish that someone would look at me, and think that I was graceful. I always wanted to be poised and lady-like. I just don't know how to go about it. I don't think it's in me.
4. I wish people would mean what they say, and say what they mean. I have a hard time believing that anyone really likes me, or is interested in who I am ... and even when I get told things like "you're such a sweetie", I think it's not really true. This is actually a much deeper issue, I think, than I'm letting it on to be.

This is becoming a huge pity party, which is really dumb 'cause there's not very much that I can achieve, wishing for things that aren't in my life. I'm going to turn things around and make the following list instead:

Things I'm Grateful for Today:

1. I'm grateful for Steve, and for our developing relationship. I'm grateful to have found someone that I can trust implicitly with things that I never throught I would share with anyone. I'm grateful for the way he makes me laugh, and keeps me grounded and really believes in me. It's an odd feeling - to be believed in. It lifts me up a bit, I think.
2. I'm grateful for friends like Alana and Ashley and Eips, who are always going to tell me like it is and who know what I'm like when I'm at my worst and most embarassing, but love me anyway. It is SO HARD, I've learned, to find friends that you are going to love for the rest of your life ... but I feel as though I have.
3. I'm grateful for the fact that I escaped unscathed from my hellish semester in the fall, and managed to pull off marks that I probably didn't deserve, seeing as how I did very little work that I was actually proud of.

I REALLY need to stop procrastinating, and keep writing my essay.