maybe I'm amazed

Tonight, when Richard F. Zussman came by the kiosk, Beth grabbed my arm and whispered to me that she was having an intense moment of deja-vu. Nothing entirely interesting was happening -rich and I were bantering about the ams elections- but her comment struck me.

Most people are familiar with deja-vu, or a sense that something has already been seen or experienced. Psychologists argue that the sensation could originate from the neurons in the brain misfiring, creating a sensation of recognition in a novel situation. Others (the skeptics?) believe that certain smells, visual cues, or even spacial movements can trigger the feeling that "you've been there before".

What people don't talk as much about is the sensation of jamais-vu, or (quite literally) never seen. Jamais-vu could be understood as a sensation of novelty in an activity or experience that is habitual. We feel jamais-vu when we "see the world with new eyes", or gain a new understanding/ appreciation of something that we have previously taken for granted. You might experience this if you try to remember the lyrics to a song: you can sing them in order, but realize that you can't recall them when they're not in the context of a tune. Or when someone asks you which side of your mouth you brush first, you can't remember - these things have become so deeply woven into your routine that you can't separate them.

I think about it and I come up with this idea: if only I could live with new eyes - could experience this feeling of freshness as I wake up in the morning, or greet people, feeling as though I am laying eyes on them for the first time. If only every time I kiss Steve, it could be as euphoric as the first time he kissed me. Our habituation to the point of numbness is to some extent a biologically developed response - but there is something amazing in the idea that we can reconstruct our understanding of the world around us.

I'm selfish, I guess. I don't ever want kissing Steve to feel anything less than amazing (for example) - don't ever want to take the people in my life that I love for granted. I'd like to experience the world with wonder and a renewing sense of awe, and approach my relationship in the same way. Jamais-vu - never felt before.

PS - 3:00am = I'm not responsible for how bad this entry must be. Just wanted to throw in a qualifier.