Family Ties

I need to vent. My dad and my stepmom are splitting up, Heather is taking the kids, and I am somehow finding myself in familiar shows. It's interesting when a member of your family delivers a blow so massive in its implications on your life, that you actually shut down to it. In the back of my head, I always knew that it was going to happen, but at the same time I hoped to god that it wouldn't.

And I can't talk about it, mainly because I don't even know how I feel. But I think also that a) I don't really know who I'd talk to, and b) The last thing I want to hear is that "she's just your step-mom". Heather and I met when I was 5 years old. We were sitting in my dad's living room together while I was visiting, and she was so shy around kids that she threw a blanket over my head, instead of introducing herself to me. Over the last 16 years, she has been so many things to me ... my 'mom', my friend, my sappy movie date, my role model. I have never understood or got along with my dad, but Heather has been such a big part of my life.

I remember when I was 10 years old, and one day was hopelessly devestated; I didn't make the division 1 soccer team AND had my heart broken by the cutest guy in my class, Brandon - both on the same day. Heather told me to get in the car, and we drove out into the country together, parked in a cornfield and got out. We grabbed hands and then she told me to scream as loud as I could. She told me to swear and to kick the ground and to yell louder than I had ever been allowed to yell before. And so Heather and I, together, yelled out all of our frustrations in someone's cornfield, late at night.

And my sisters - what's going to happen with them? Jessie said on the phone to me "I'm almost 12 years old, and Dad has missed my entire childhood. I'm ready to leave". Hannah wants to know if she can kick dad in the ****. I told her it might be better not to, but these kids are seriously damaged by their relationship with their father (and my father, for that matter). I just don't know how long my dad can keep ruining people's lives like this - people that I love. Part of me is so, so, so mad at him, and so hurt. But the other part of me knows that I can't blame him for these things -the only thing that I can do is forgive him. I need to live my life by my morals and the choices that I make; I can't blame my past for who I have become.

It's just - sometimes there's so much to be scared of, and so much to have to rise above, y'know? And with this new twist in the road, I'm going to have new challanges to face, I'm sure.