On revisiting the past

I feel trepidation about going to Calgary, going home.

It feels strange to call it that. What constitutes home? When I see Adam and Andrew and all of Adam's family again tomorrow, when Jo (A's mom) wraps me up in a smokey hug, and shows me her newest painting, or when his sister Mickie and I swap clothes before going to the bar, or when Adam plays the guitar for me, and laughs at how awkward I am - will I be home? The city where I played my soccer games, and learned to ride my bike, and the house where I spent countless hours debating and discussing things, staying up late with A just so that we could feel smart and as though we had all of this untouched potential - is that home?

What I'm scared of is that it isn't. That this sense of security and warmth that I attached to Calgary is some sort of false ideal... that going to Peter's Drive-In, or driving around downtown at night time, or waiting in line for 10 cent wings at Limmericks isn't going to hold the same appeal, won't mean anything to me.

This is the first time that I will have seen Adam since I stopped wishing that he loved me. That sounds so weak, but it's actually really freeing. I'm not going to stop in the airport bathroom in Calgary and fix my makeup (he always liked to see me all done up, which isn't me at all). I'm not going to worry if I grind my teeth or talk in my sleep at night time. I'm not going to hold him a few seconds longer when we hug hello.

And I think to myself, "this probably has a lot to do with Steve". And I'm right (one point for bri) Although the last time I think I ever *really* felt something for Adam was almost a year ago, I wouldn't be so calm about seeing him again if I didn't have this amazing force in my life. Call it a buzz, call it infatuation (and so it might be, but I'm happy to have it) - the truth is, I can't stop smiling, I can't stop thinking about him and I have no intention to stop having easy, silly, endearing and lengthly phone conversations with him.

I am overthinking everything.

I have nothing profound to say tonight. I wish that I could express myself clearly, that I could find the right words to describe the way I feel right now. I'm on the brink of something, I just can't express it properly. I'll think about it in Calgary, since being away from my blog might give me some time to work through it. Wish me luck - this is about to be the most pleasant, or the most disasterous trip of my life.