from my mind to yours - my internal dialogue of the evening

The easiest letter to write is going to be the one I write to Adam. Somehow, we've been through so much shit together, that I don't need to be remotely pretentious or self-aware. My handwriting doesn't need to be pretty, my spelling won't count and my ideas can be as abstract, as meaningful or as inconsequential as they seem. None of that will matter.

The hardest letters are going to be to people who I have hurt. Opening up to people who I'd rather not be vulnerable around. To people who might judge my intentions. It will be hard to write to my dad. I think I need to write two seperate letters - one to tell him how much I am hurt, and another to create peace. I don't know which one will come first, or if this will remain an unfinished venture.

It will be hard to write to Steve. Somehow the written word seems more resolute than our fleeting exchanges on the phone, and I am struck by the fact that there is so much weight to a letter, so much implicit meaning. I can't get past "dear Steve" without it feeling somehow too insignificant to continue. It is difficult to allow myself to be so translucent, and to somehow create an impression that might be favorable, might make me appear at once intelligent and honest and kind. Maybe that's not me.

It will be hard to write to Alana, who has shaped me so much over the past 4 years. Something in me tells me that I lost her, and yet I continue to walk the delicate line between rejection and devotion to a friendship that has sustained me at my worst times and provided me with my best memories.

I have written and mailed letters to Jimmy, Adam and Steph. I have so much work to do, and am so optimistic that I might be able to ... accomplish something. Find some heart. Forge, or recognize or admire the bond that I have created with every person who has walked into my life and changed me somehow.

I am writing to my brother tonight. And then I'm going to mark papers for a few hours until I am truly too tired to stay awake. Happy New Year, everyone.

Editor's Note: The original post was written at 11:30 pm, and it's now 4:47 am. Can someone please tell me to go to sleep?