I've walked for miles, my feet are hurtin'
I think I'm having a panic attack. I'm serious. There is no other reason that I would write two entries in one night, if I wasn't desperate panicking, grasping for something to hold on to. Doing research on grad school was not a good idea tonight - I feel as though I would be better off being blissfully ignorant, and thus un-educated. And thus unemployed. I want to die. My chest is tight, and I'm having a hard time breathing. You know why? Take a look at the cold, hard facts:
1. I'm not going to get in anywhere. That goes without saying. Applications to Toronto, Guelph, Alberta, UBC and Calgary seem futile to me. How did I go, in four short years, from having all of the potential in the world, to being left with no options? Wasn't I smart at one point in my life?
2. Even if I do get in, there is NO WAY that I can write 80-100 pages on anything. I just don't have it in me - I am terrified of one day waking up and realizing that there are some things out there that I am incapable of doing - that the world is not my oyster. Sometimes it's better to have a dream, and believe that it could come true, than to fruitlessly pursue it. In addition - there is no way that I'll find a place to live. And, to be realistic - there's really no way that I can afford it.
3. Why don't I have a future? Is this normal? Why is my brother, not even 20 years old, and the self-proclaimed 'dumb one', making 50 grand a year, while I struggle to even understand why I was put on this earth?
I honestly don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight. I have so many questions, and no answers. All I know is that I'm a good person, I'm a good student, and I really deserve this chance ... it's just a matter of finding people who believe in me.
Nothing is resolved... But for what it's worth - thanks for listening.
3 comments:
..and thanx for sharing...really
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