Finding San Francisco

Kate Winslet: What's it like, Neverland?
Johnny Depp: One day, I'll take you there.

After watching Finding Neverland with Nicole a few hours ago (for its commentary on the magic of the theatre, I give it two enthusiastic thumbs up. For its lack of kissing, I remain frustrated) But I digress. What I wanted to say is that I've come to the conclusion that California may be my Neverland. While I'm here I never worry about my life at home, I never have to wear a coat, I never lose my awe at the grandeur, I never have to cook, I never get chided for cheering for the 49ers and I never come home from the mall with any money left.

I do however, have a whirlwind adventure. I feel like I'm 5 again, and in awe of everything. This morning, as I was eating my Cocoa Krispies and flipping through the newspaper, reading the extensive section on the sorrows of SF's sorry excuse for a football team, I was constantly pointing out prices in the flyers, "You guys - look at how cheap this is!" I'm sure Nicole must be close to frustration by my constant references to Canada. But we're so different! It's worth pointing out. I'm nothing if not observant.

Today, Nic and I braved the last weekend shopping day before Christmas, and hit the malls. Not only did I pick up matching red sweatshirts for my sisters and a killer lotion/bath gel/bubble bath combo for my mom (cliche, but cliche for a reason) I am now the proud new owner of a pair of charcoal gray Puma runners. I actually turned the reading light on in the car so that I could admire my own feet. I don't think I could live here, because I would become materialistic SO QUICKLY ... it's easy to get sucked into.

I have a lot I really need to talk about, but for lack of time on the computer, I'm just going to make a random list and try to get it all out. Maybe I'll come back to it, maybe I won't.

1. I really want to talk about my conversation today with Jennifer at some point - about finding my passion, radiance, following my heart - how inspired I was after only two hours with her.
2. Aiden vs. Mr. Big (the ultimate dilemma)
3. The differences I've discovered between Canada and the US
4. Being in Pac Sun today, and feeling like I was finally home ... dudes everywhere! :) Being in William Sonoma/Crate and Barrel today, and rediscovering my dream of being a perfect '50's domestic goddess.
5. Steve. Always thinking about Steve. I have so much to say, and never enough words to use. The phrase, "do you promise you won't judge me?" continues to surface in my mind as he learns more and more about me, and I get more and more scared that he's going to find the 'real' me and that'll be it. Maybe this rant will becomes more than 'point 5' - as it deserves to be. Maybe this means more to me than I'm even willing to admit to myself. Why do I feel so much ambiguity? When I was out today, scooting around in my pumas and jean jacket, I felt like a million bucks, so why do I blush when he even looks in my direction? I wish that I knew everything ... not in the way that Ken Jennings does, but knew everything about love. I know nothing about love. Maybe that's why I'm so fascinated with it. I never really had a good example, or prototype of 'love' when I was growing up, and yet despite my parents shortcomings in their own romantic lives, I believe so deeply in my heart that it's possible. Because I have such a capacity to feel it, y'know? I have and can love so deeply ... how is it, then, not possible? My point exactly. I just wish that I knew about love, instead of blindly believed in it's existence somewhere in the world. And why, even though there isn't a cloud in the sky of my present relationship, am I so scared?

I have a few days left here, and there's a few things that I really want to do. I want to go to Pier 39, ride a street car, climb up the mountain next to the bridge, and find the perfect present for my brother. And maybe, just maybe ... nah, it's too much to hope for. I'm just going to 'go with the flow', taking a page from 'Sex in the City', and enjoy my time in this amazing city :)