There is so much to say. I was preparing for an epic entry tonight, but feel like my fingers are too numb to write ... not physically. That was a bad metaphor. I hate metaphors in general - I'd rather just say what I want to say, but sometimes words just don't cut it. The english language, for all of its supposed merits, isn't very beautiful.

I've been trying to write this entry for the past hour, believe it or not, but have been sidetracked by a music paperchase through amazon.com, a heartfelt email to adam, and a lyrics search for a song that I can't get out of my head. I read a blog of a friend from edmonton's that simply BLEW ME AWAY. I could only aspire to be such a good writer. As it is, I write about meaningless feelings and don't use my words the way I could.

Everything is changing. I am in constant need of stability, but can find nothing to hold on to. Why do we resist it? Why do I, specifically resist it? That's probably why I called adam tonight - I read through a bunch of old emails from second and third year, and saw myself in them somewhere. There are parts of me that I have lost along the way. I might consider that my childhood, but I found something comforting in reading our conversations to myself. I laughed out loud at several points, and cried at several points, which is entirely unlike me.

I cried. How dumb is that?

So here's the truth then.

I really miss the certainity. Adam loved me. It wasn't the love that I thought I always wanted from him - it was better. Our emails were peppered with truths and jokes and insults and little bits of insight, and always signed with "I love you so much, but I love kissing my girlfriend more", or "I've been putting up with you for 10 years - I might as well not stop now" ... and that meant something. So I guess I miss having a best friend.

I've got quite a lot friends at queens who will stand the test of time, I know already. But there's something about having a friend who knew you when you were 11, with awkwardly long legs and stringy hair, and all you cared about was soccer, that is incredibly special. Adam knew me when No Fear shirts were cool, and when Beth, Steph and I would sit in the corner of our grade 7 class, ignoring whatever humanities lesson we were supposed to be learning, and whispering about our sleepover that night instead. He was with me at the worst and best points in my life - and I think that there's something to be said for history.

Do you ever think about how significant certain relationships actually are on the person that you end up becoming as an adult? Ultimately, hundreds of people walk in and out of your life over the course of your childhood, but I'm certain that everyone could rattle off 10 friends who actually altered the course of their lives, and changed the core of who they were. I find that amazing. I find coincidence amazing - that we could have done one thing different, and our entire lives would have ended up on a different track.

I think that it being 1:28 in the morning, and the fact that I started this blog at 10:30 at night is an indication that it's time for me to drop out and get some sleep.