8 months

8 months ago, I arrived in Toronto to start my MA degree at the University of Toronto ... and two weeks later, I withdrew, citing "irreconcilable differences" with the drama program. I started to wonder (now that I had moved all my stuff here and signed a year-long lease) what I was going to do for the next 11 months and two weeks before I went back to school. I felt overwhelmed. I felt disappointed in myself; I was desperate to complete all my schooling so that I could start 'life' at a relatively young age. A year off with nothing planned felt like a waste of my time and meant that my entire adult life would commence a year later than I had hoped (at the ripe old age of 24!).

Most of all, I was terrified of how I was going to survive in a city where I didn't know anyone and wasn't really doing anything; passing all of that time and managing to be happy seemed like an impossible task.

For the first 5 months I nannied for a wealthy family in Forest Hill, 60 hours a week. Every day felt like an eternity and I often came home at the end of my shift too tired to care about making my own dinner, after spending an hour cooking food for the family and then leaving just as they sat down to eat it. I was lonely (a four year old does not a best friend make!) and frustrated that my job duties were limited to changing diapers and being yelled at for various misdemeanors such as using the wrong knife to cut the kids apples, and (gasp) washing the frying pans by hands instead of putting them in the dishwasher. After coming home several days in a row and crying myself to sleep in January, I quit.

7 months to go.

I got a job working in a restaurant downtown as a hostess. In general, I've really enjoyed it, and as soon as I wasn't working 11 or 12 hours a day at a job I hated, time started to fly by. I made friends. Spring began. And all of a sudden ... it was the end of April. 4 months to go.

I just got back from a weeklong trip to BC and I start a new job on Monday morning, working as HR administrator for the Canadian National Exhibition Casino. For the next 4 months I'm going to be working long hours, making lots of money and hopefully time will pass by so quickly that it will be August before I know it.

I didn't mean for this to be such a long entry.

The point is -if I have a point at all: what I once considered to be a 'pointless year' that I just had to 'get through' has actually afforded me the opportunity to learn things that I would never have learned in school. I have been miserable, and survived. I have been worked like a dog, and survived. I have slowly become a citizen of toronto, navigating the transit system and walking home clutching my purse at 2 in the morning ... and survived. I am stronger, more mature, more open minded and more laid back than I used to be. I don't feel as smart, but I feel more prepared to start my adult life. I have had good naps and read great books. Most importantly, I have learned to value my friends - most of them are out of town and time together is precious.

It has been a wonderful and awful and scary 8 months. I am so glad to be in the 'home stretch' - looking forward to September. I am reminded now that there really is a silver lining in what feel like the worst days. I hope to make the most of what I have left in my useless year off.