The Academy Awards, by the Numbers

During the 78th Academy Awards:

Number of Jokes about Tom Cruise or Scientology: 1

Number of Times a Winner Walks the Wrong Way After Accepting an Award: 3

Number of Gay Cowboy Jokes: 3

Number of Gay Cowboy Montages: 1

Number of Gay Cowboys to Win an Oscar: 0 (not counting the possibility of George Cloony being a flaming homosexual)

Number of Jokes About Dick Cheney Shooting Someone: 1

Number of Dogs Thanked in Acceptance Speeches: 1 (Hooch, from Turner and Hooch)

Number of Oscars Wearing Matching Bowties: 2 (The winners for Wallace and Grommit)

Number of Stuffed Penguins Making an Appearance Onstage: 4

Number of Times Someone Refers to How Heavy the Statue Is: 2

Number of Times Jack Nickelson Grins: 6

Most Embarassing Presenter: Ben Stiller in a green unitard that clearly displayed the outline of his weiner

Best Comment By Steve: "And now, Charlize Thereon, wearing a bow that could swallow a whale"

Number of Awkward Jewish Jokes Made By Jon Stewart: 3

And there it is folks. "Crash" may have taken home the big honours, but I kept the REAL count. And honestly, it made the whole 3 and a half hour ordeal a lot more interesting to watch.