we all walk the long road

I really love road trips. There is something about sitting in the passenger seat of a car with my feet resting up on the dashboard, something about choosing music to create the soundtrack of the trip, something about holding a warm hand on top of my own, about the questions and conversations that develop on the 401, halfway between London and Detroit, that is really enchanted. I could be in a car forever, driving towards anything, which is new for me. I used to hate driving. It made me sick. It made me bored. I wanted to BE where I was going.

But now, I am learning how to enjoy the journey, how to really really love it.

Speaking of a journey – I’m on a bit of a life road right now, working towards a whole bunch of things. I am cautious, lately, of discovering and developing integrity. I’m not necessarily arguing that I haven’t been an honest or reliable person, rather, that I have been more aware this year of the need to solidify my core values. We all have things that we authentically believe in, things that we know are right or wrong. To a certain extent our values both connect and differentiate us; Steve and I, for example, share the same critical perspective on a lot of important things. We both believe that love comes before sex, that relationships and even breakups are based on respect, trust and compassion.

But I guess, then – so do a lot of people … we all want to believe in love, don’t we? The things that I share with Steve, I think, are much less tangible. But I do know that based on a series of painfully open and equally fascinating conversations with each other, we built a common ground for what has been a life-altering relationship.

There are a few things that I need to do in the next five weeks before my undergraduate career is over. I know what I believe – I can articulate my values, can understand how I want to guide myself, can stand up for the things that I truly believe in. I am coming to understand, however, that integrity is not in believing in something – it does not develop out of my self-righteous claim to be a virtuous person. I am no more good or bad than any one I have ever met, an understanding that I have struggled with. Integrity manifests itself through action. I can only become a reflection of my values if I actively use them, if I allow myself to be tested. I want to demystify the process for myself; I can think and think and think about things, but if I don’t start to act, I haven’t accomplished what I set out to do.

I want to figure out integrity and kindness through my behaviour. I can’t decide on the process of becoming a good person arbitrarily – it has to be there.