'till I hear it from you

"So don't dive shallow in deep dark waters,
Cause we're cradled in no beginning and no end"
Hawksley Workman

I am beginning to think that I understand the extent to which someone is capable of loving another person. But it's funny, because maybe I still have no clue. I am hyper-aware of the fact that saying 'I love you' to someone is actually the beginning of an amazing journey and not the representation of some sort of finality. It's not like you love someone and that's it - in fact, it's the opposite: feelings begin to grow in different shades, filling in parts of your heart that you didn't even know existed. Saying 'I love you' is almost like a declaration that you want to start feeling these things for someone else, that you want to discover and understand them.

So maybe I have no idea the extent to which I am able to love someone. Maybe I can continue to surprise myself.

In November, I had a conversation with my once-best-friend Adam about my blooming relationship with Steve. Knowing that it was coming on the heels of a 3-year epic with Marcus, Adam gave me what I thought was good advice about how to proceed with someone entirely new: don't fall in love. He reminded me that I had just turned 18 when Marcus and I started going out and I was now 21 and in what he referred to as 'my prime'. He made me solomnly promise him that I would enjoy getting to know Steve, would have fun when we were together, nay - might even really LIKE him, but that I would not fall in love. This, appearantly would protect both me and him: me from having my heart broken, and him from a girlfriend who fell in love. But Adam, I realized over my trip back to Calgary this past christmas, doesn't really know me any more. And my relationship with Steve is more real and more dedicated than I ever could explain to him. And so I abandon this advice with passion. It's Valentine's Day, and I'm in love.

I knew at Charity Ball (2 weeks ago?). He walked down the stairs in his suit and red tie and I felt as though my chest was going to explode. We had an night that couldn't have been described as anything but perfect. When we were together, we laughed, danced, held hands, whispered into each other's ears. When we were apart, I felt comfortable knowing that no matter how many gorgeous girls wanted to dance with him or spend time with him - we were going to go home arm in arm, together. I was so proud to be there with him, proud to know that everyone who had ever met Steve Johns loved him from the bottom of their heart. That night, I became one of those people.

So here I am, at the end of a weekend that changed everything, yet nothing at all. Knowing what I know about how I feel, but excited to love him more every morning that I wake up. This - Steve and I - is going to work because we don't have unrealistic expectations about what either love or romance is supposed to be.

Love is hard work. Loving someone and understanding them (truly understanding them) takes patience and time and dedication towards another person. It takes a lot of communication and a lot of trust. I don't really know where I'm going with this - where I'm going with anything, really. But I found these in Steve. No one has ever fought so hard to understand me before. No one has ever trusted me the way that he does. Never have I wanted to burst with pride for someone in the same way that I feel about him.

I've got no witty conclusion. This topic may or may not weave back into my blog over the next few weeks as I try to stay grounded in the work that I have to do, when all I really want is to be looking into the eyes of someone else. I don't have a single answer right now - no way of knowing that I'm going to be okay, or that this isn't the scariest thing I've ever done. But all of that's okay. I just want to feel it all, y'know? And try to understand how I could ever be so lucky.

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone. Take the time today to let someone know that your life is truly better because they are a part of it.