back up to heaven all alone

I did one of my favorite things to do today - bought a new magazine and a bag of wine gums, curled up under my red throw blanket, turned on some cat stevens and forgot about the rest of the world for a while.

This is going to be a change of topic, but there's no real segue from wine gums to God. What has been on my mind recently is that I want, or maybe I need, something spiritual in my life. I feel as though I am on a quest for the divine. I was raised in a household that didn't have time for church - I've never read the bible or attended Sunday School. No one has ever asked me to make a choice about religion, which has suited me as well as it could have, I guess, but now I'm kind of at odds with it. I mean - how do you know what to believe? What is the right choice for me?

Organized religion is never going to be my niche. I just can't buy into the "children of jesus" thing, heaven and hell, god's will... the more educated I become, the less I can believe that there is one religion that is better, or more true than any others. Each are created to connect a community of people under a set of moral doctrines. Each religion is valid in its own existence. I think that the values that christianity is based on are sacred, for example, but I also think that the organization of the church has corrupted its own intentions. At the core of everything, we are all looking for meaning. We all want direction. We all want to know that we are not alone in the universe, that our short time on the planet is part of a larger plan. That we mean something, each and every one of us.

It doesn't have to be about God. It can be about the individual. I want to teach my children how to be good people. I want them to respect themselves and to respect the world around them. I want them to learn humility and selflessness. I want them to give what they can to those who have less. I don't however, believe that a church is a vital part of this education.

What I am looking for is a manifesto. I am looking for values that I can strive to embody, morals that I can abide by, a way of life that affects those around me in a positive way. I don't think I'll find this in a religion, or in the bible, or in a church pew. I don't think that my life will change in an extraordinary way if I choose to start believing in God. but I also won't find it on the self-help shelf in Chapters. I am trying to find my way and it's an intensely personal journey.

Where do I begin? What inspires me? How do I get away from the superficiality that I feel as though I've been dragging myself through recently? How do I become a better person?

In Drama, Grotowski revolutionized theatre in the 1960s by taking away sets and costumes and lighting and stages, leaving only the actor, the body and the space. The larger point that he was trying to identify was: if you strip away everything about art that is non-essential - what remains? It is possible to utilize Grotowski's methodology here, and begin to strip away the parts of my being that are impeding me from actualization. What would be left of me if I took away everything that didn't matter? If all that was left was my heart - what would it look like? What kind of person would I be?

It's not that I necessarily want to do this. I just think that it's an important question to ask, and to always be aware of that which is of consequence and that which is superficial. I want to focus on developing the former and placing less emphasis on the latter.

My quest to be a better person begins.