I have wished for so long, how I wish for you today

It would be easy, given the title of this entry, to blog about Steve. About the rollercoaster ride which I affectionatly call the "LDR" - Long Distance Relationship. And after spending the next few days in toronto with him, I'm sure that I'll have amazing new things to say - new moments, new memories, new things to be excited about or look forward.

But the person I'm wishing for right now isn't Steve (well, it's always Steve, but I digress). It's my dad.

We are so close to reconciliation. I am really, really, really scared. Because I don't know if I can trust him. I don't know if I can believe him. There are these shining moments, on msn or even in person, where I feel like he's looking at me and noticing me, REALLY noticing me, for the very first time. But he starts to spout off things that make no sense to me, and I get scared again. With my dad, I never know who is talking - if it's him, or his therapist, or his illness. I don't even really know who my dad is; the sadder part to me is that he has no idea who I am. I don't know if he's actually able to love me in the way that I always wanted him to. And it wouldn't be fair to say that I loved him in the way that he wanted me to either. After someone causes you that much pain, it's hard to open up your heart again.

But I had a really big moment. For the first time in my life, I told my dad that it was NOT okay. I told him that I needed more from him. I said to him "Dad. I'm scared and I don't know where to start". And he replied with "this is where we start". And the man who has been wrapped up in clouds of narcisism and alcoholism and depression for my entire life somehow reached across the cracks and made me feel like a daughter. I haven't felt like that in so long.

I don't know what a dad is supposed to be like. I don't really have a model to build this relationship on, or even something stable to start from. I don't even know if this is what I should be doing. My mom has been telling me to walk away since I've been old enough to understand that my dad doesn't love me. And trying to make him love me has almost destroyed me. But here I am, feeling so close to actually having a DAD -- what do I do? I'm shaking. I have so many war wounds that I feel like it's almost impossible to ever trust him again. I feel closed off. I can sense myself putting up walls.

But I have to remind myself that I am not the one who has the right to judge him. And I don't have to invest my emotional happiness and my self-worth into him. My dad needs someone to believe in him and I need to believe that he won't let me down. I don't know where my next step is ... this is all new for me. But I feel like just the act of forgiving him, or starting to, is a move in the right direction.

I forgive you, dad.