nobody knows the trouble I've seen

I paid Marcus another chunk of the 'relationship debt' that I still owe him today, which made me feel as though a tiny weight was lifted off of my chest. But with 4.16 in my bank account, and owing 96.00 to Marcus, 362 in rent, 115 in bills that Courtney covered for me, 45 to Rogers, 560 to Visa, 3000 to the university and a trip to Toronto later in the week that will set me back 100 - well, sometimes I think that the only thing that I ever have time to think about is money.

I am worried about next year. I am worried about the summer. I could stay in Kingston, but can't think of anywhere that would hire me - my marketable skills right now are nill, outside of the university community. I've never waited tables, done landscaping work, or been a secretary. I would go back to Vancouver, but with my parent's divorce and my mother's plans being unstable at best (as she currently is flying around the world to spend a month living on a boat with bill)... well, where would I stay? My dad won't have me and my mom can't afford for me to live with her - they've made this clear. Vancouver has the added benefit of being a place where I know absolutly no one, which is always a plus. If I found an apartment in Toronto, I would barely make enough to cover rent, not to mention stashing something aside for grad school next year.

I think a lot now about staying an extra year at Queen's and applying for WH manager. I know that I have the skills and passion for the job, and I have a strong chance of being hired. Being a part of WH has changed my life and the pay would easily cover another year at the school to upgrade some of my credits for a minor. But do I really want to stay here? What is left for me, after I've given everything I have to this school?

I could take a year off and work, which seems like the most realistic approach. But then I would lose the child support money that my dad periodically gives to me, as well as my flying priviledges, as well as the disability income that I receive from the government.

I guess what I'm saying is that I've never felt so alone and afraid in my life. The idea that there is no one in the world who is willing to or able to help me makes me feel like I could sink under the weight of my burdens and never surface again - and maybe no one would notice. I think I need a hug. More so, I need someone, anyone, to step in and say "I'm going to help you, and it's going to be okay", Because sometimes I realize that I can't always make it on my own.