Teacher

Teaching, real teaching in front of a classroom of high school students who don't want to be there and don't necessarily care about the sensitive and idealistic girl who feels like a fraud standing in front of them, starts on Monday. I am prepared, I guess. I have purchased appropriate teacher clothes. I have studied the chapters. I am developing my unit and lesson plans. I will buy groceries tomorrow to pack a lunch that I will eat in the teacher lounge with all the other teachers.

What I'm not prepared for is the commitment. When people ask me "what do you do?" I automatically respond with "I'm a teacher", and then follow up with "at least, I'm studying to be one". But the secret is out - I've committed myself to the profession. I care about teaching and being in the classroom in a way that I can't necessarily understand, much less explain. I feel angry at people who go to teacher's college because they're bored, or work in classrooms because they like having the summers off (which, yes, I'm looking forward to). But it's scary to say "this is what I am".

I'm probably not much different than anyone else. When I was younger, I was convinced that I was going to do something exceptional with my life. I knew nothing other than success, essentially. I breezed through school, tested at the 99.999 percentile of intelligence, aced my college entrance exams and was basically told that the world was my oyster. I could be extraordinary - all I had to do was set my sights. I decided I wanted to be a pediatric plastic surgeon. I loved biology in high school. I got 100% in my grade 12 science classes. I wanted to be a doctor. Everyone told me I was capable of doing it. Then, I got to Queen's, missed a lecture of biology, fell totally behind in the course, panicked because I wasn't perfect, and dropped the course all together. That's my secret - if I'm not doing it perfectly, I don't want to do it at all. I had to choose another path.

I'm still not convinced that I'm following the road that is going to bring me an extraordinary future. I feel like I'm bursting with potential and passion for so many things around me, and curiosity and faith and humanity. I feel special. I feel destiny weighing on me. Am I doing the right thing? On Monday, I am opening one door and closing many others. I will not be a famous teacher. I will not make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year. I will not change the world. I desperately want all of these things. I want some sort of divine understanding. I want an amazing life.

It's hard for me to write this. I value humbleness in myself and try to practice it. But I also wish so badly for extraordinary to find me. I think everyone must feel this way sometime. That they just need a chance.

I am excited about teaching. I may not change the world, but if I'm lucky, it might change my world. I have so much respect for educators and for the profession. I just hope that I can find the exceptional, every day that I go in to the classroom. I hope that I'm in the right place and that I find the success I've been working so hard for. I hope that the kids don't laugh, or ignore me. I hope that I am enough.