Stuck in a moment

My lack of recent updates is pretty indicative of my mental state right now: nothing. Seriously, there's absolutely nothing going on in my mind. My days feel as though they're on auto-repeat - wake up, take the subway, be a nanny for 10 hours (a combination of cooking, laundry, wiping faces, changing diapers, rushing to the potty, commenting on superheros, singing the Dora theme song and trying to get two toddlers into complicated snowsuits), subway home, sleep, repeat. It's not a bad existence, necessarily, but also not one that lends itself to an exciting blog. I am totally underwhelming myself lately, with the feeling that the only way to get through the next two months of my boring job as a personal doormat is to become desensitized.

Here are the most exciting things that happened to me in the last week:
- I watched a squirrel become roadkill in my review mirror on St.Claire Avenue, and started bawling.
- I fought with a 4 year old over whether "sixy-ninety-fourty-seven" was a bigger number than 1000.
- I lugged a 4 foot bulletin board home from Staples on friday, feeling ambitious, and haven't done anything with it since
- I watched a couple of solid football games.

I've realized that the repetitive life doesn't satisfy me. I think that some people find a routine to be comforting and look forward to knowing, always knowing, what's going to happen next. I really like stability, but I'm starting to differentiate that from repetition. I want ... no, NEED a job that's new and exciting every day. I need to explore, whether it's going on a week-long hike or a neighborhood stroll. I need to meet new people and have interesting conversations and read challenging books and take chances and create change in my life.

When I was little, I used to change around the furniture in my bedroom every month or so. There was one house that we lived in where at one point or another, I occupied every bedroom in the house. We create change to pull ourselves out of the rut and back into the sunshine. Even something as mundane as having to think about which side of the room my dresser has been moved to creates a new mental pattern and relieves the old one. I hate ruts. And the only way that I'm going to survive this winter, this monotonous job where people are constantly critisizing and being mean to me, the commuting, the same old same old, is to pull myself out of the rut every way I can.

With that - I hopefully will have something more interesting on my mind the next time you hear from me.