I'm never going to stop the rain by complaining

I've been really sad lately. Because of this, I've done a lot of inward thinking. As introspective as I've become, however, I've been equally apathetic about my blog, as well as things like getting out of bed before noon, changing out of pajama pants or answering phone calls. I am so sad. I think, though, that it might be good to talk about it - not to try and hide it from myself. Whether or not people read this blog is irrelevant - the fact that it's here, however, and not inside of me anymore is really important. So indulge me, if you feel like it. I've got a lot on my mind.

Sometimes I think that everything could be so simple. When I look at the world around me, I see a million shades of gray - subtle nuances and details that are useless to dwell upon, but likewise equally fascinating. I love to think. I love time by myself to not have to be anyone for anything. I don't know where I'm going with this, but I know that there has to be an easier, less tormenting way to live than to be a thinker, or a dreamer, or whatever label I casually try on. Like, it doesn't have to be this much of a struggle all the time, does it?

I need three things to be happy. A place where I feel home, people who love me, and inspiration. I don't know how to find this. I don't know how to get along without it.

My family is coming out in June and instead of being excited about celebrating my graduation, I'm anxious and upset and guilt ridden. My dad will be here for 5 days, which isn't that important except that I haven't EVER been able to spend more than 5 consecutive hours with him before breaking down. My grandparents want to take me out for dinner, my mom is going to be alone, and I'm going to be working full time on top of it. I can't take the idea that everyone is going to be looking to me to please them, when it's supposed to be my happy day.

When have I ever asked for the indulgence to be selfish?

I'm sad because I'm lonely. I'm sad because things are changing. I'm sad because I'm homesick. I'm sad because I've let people down. I'm sad because I don't feel beautiful. I'm sad because I don't know where my path is. I'm sad because I wake up in the morning and worry about money. I'm sad because I don't know how to make myself happy.

So tomorrow, I'm going to do what I can. I'm going to write about things I'm grateful for. I'm going to do yoga when I wake up. I'm going to see a movie with a friend. And I'm not going to indulge in being sad -- I'm sick of letting myself feel this way. I have so much to be happy for right now.

And, by the way, I actually feel a little bit better. Thanks for listening.

-b