My 200th Entry

It’s amazing to me how different each day can be. I am sitting at my desk, watching the branches of the tree outside my window sway, lifting up and down in rhythm as though propelled by a pair of lungs. The phone rings in the background, but since I’m not on reception today, I don’t have to answer it. There’s nothing wrong with today, per say. I’m not sick, or working at a horrible job. I have no reason to be feeling blue, and I’m not, exactly. I just don’t feel like I’m here. I’ve been sitting at my desk for two hours now, picking at a blueberry scone and trying not to watch the clock every time the minute hand clicks forward. It’s exhausting, being bored.

Yesterday, time flew by. I felt bright and cheery, got my work done on time and was surprised when Stephanie came over to remind me to lock up, surprised that it was 5pm and I had been happily occupied the entire afternoon. I was lucky to have a day like that. Today, on the other hand couldn’t go quickly enough. Time is a funny thing, isn’t it? When you’re looking forward to something, when you really want time to pass quickly, it drags on; however, if you’re enjoying yourself, relaxing or otherwise having a good time, time flies. I know that this isn’t some sort of epiphany. I just wish I could figure out a way to trick myself, so as to make the next week and a half of work feel like it was over in a flash. All of my energy right now is looking forward – I came to Vancouver, achieved what I needed to get done (which, essentially, was make as much money as I could while spending as little as possible) and I feel not only ready but also overdue for the next step. Part of me, therefore, feels like I’ve already left here; my body sits at my desk for 40 hours a week, but my mind is on September, on starting classes and new friends and on Steve.

No one ever really explained to me how hard a long distance relationship could be and I’m not sure I gave it any thought the first time Steve and I kissed, thereby cementing the crazy attraction between us and launching us into couple-ness. I had ‘done’ long distance before – my ex-boyfriend lived in Tennessee and I spent summers working in Kingston, so with the exception of one summer living together in Mississauga, we spent 8 months of our 3 years apart- but it always felt temporary. For Steve and I, distance has been the rule, not the exception. When you’re not actually ‘with’ somebody, a lot of what is so wonderful about a relationship is intrinsically lost; no cuddling, no doing Sunday crosswords together, no sitting on the front porch for late night talks, no making dinner or doing errands, no “I was just in the neighborhood and thought I’d stop by”, no meeting up for lunch between classes, and obviously no sex.. No one tells you how hard it is not to be able to have any intimacy like that. And it’s hard, we’ve found, to keep the sense of relationship intact when really, all we do is talk on the phone. I’m sick of it, and I’ve tried to be so patient with myself, I have. But the next … (counting) … 11 days couldn’t pass quickly enough. I’m so tired of waiting for it to get here.

11:17am. I’ve managed to pass 15 minutes. Someone needs to come and save me soon – I seriously don’t know how I’m gonna survive until 5:30 tonight.