The Breeder's Cup

Because my boss doesn't come in until about 10:30 today, I've got the radio playing at the front desk; a luxury I am rarely afforded and take full advantage of whenever I get the chance. Listening to Vancouver's top-40, completlely mainstream station, the morning DJ came on between MB20's "Real World" and Dido's "White Flag", and announced a new contest that the station would be sponsoring. They're calling it the Breeder's Cup and they're accepting applications from couples to compete to conception. In case this makes you say "huh?", essentially what they're doing is taking three couples, and making them race to see who concieves a baby first. That's right - baby making as entertainment.

There are a huge number of things that are totally fucked up about this.

1. What if a couple is only entering the contest for the 20,000 worth of prizes, and never intended on having, never wanted and never thought about the responsibility of having a child?
2. What do you tell your kid when they grow up? "Mommy and Daddy loved each other very much. Also, you were a publicity stunt."
3. I honestly look at the idea of having children/creating a baby as one of the more sacred and miraculous things that two people can share together. Why cheapen it like this?

It's like when people gave pet pigs to their kids for christmas after Babe became a popular movie. Sure, a piglet is a cute thing to have around the house, but when it grew up into a 250 pound hog that rooted in the carpet and ate the cat, what happens then? Nobody really considered this. There are pig sanctuaries across Canada and the US housing hundreds of the Babe-craze ex-pets, saving them from being slaughtered in the backyard. Not that I'm suggesting that these kids are going to grow up and eat the cat, but I am thinking that more foresight might be necessary. Having a kid is a commitment for the rest of your life ... the radio station might only reap the benefits for a few weeks. Just my thoughts on the matter

Random Photo #1

I've got a lot of them - I might as well share one with you


This is me, my brother, my dad and two willing statues in Sidney, BC

Home is where the heart is

Today was mundane in every way except one: I woke up according to the long-distance persuasion of my boyfriend, worked a woefully normal work day consisting of me spending as much time as possible becoming acquainted with the 2005-2006 Calgary Flames roster while still appearing to be 'working' (the key is to always have an excel spreadsheet up that I can switch to when someone walks by my cubicle), I ate a normal lunch and wrote normal emails to friends instead of working on the database that I'm supposed to be formulating values for.

But something worth mentioning happened, and for the first time I feel as though things are finally falling in to place. Today, Michael P. J. Jones and I got a house. Which is both the most random and most logical situation I could ever imagine for myself. Today I feel like I finally have roots in Toronto. I have a small, clean, inexpensive corner of the Annex to call my own, and suddenly everything feels right again. So before I move there and my idealism is tempered by malfunctioning toilets and closets overrun with spiders (if there are even closets at all) and a serious lack of counter space (all of the things that you say "no big deal" about when your house hunting, not realizing just what a big deal they are), I just want to say that I am truly grateful to have this place. I'll be 10 minutes from school, 15 minutes from the subway, and on a beautiful tree-lined street, right downtown. Today I feel like it's finally the start.

I'm also grateful for:

• getting a full 8.5 hours of sleep last night to combat my travel weariness
• the bridge traffic being suspiciously less than it normally is on a week day afternoon, meaning that I arrived home in an unprecedented 43 minutes
• The Jerry Maguire soundtrack, proving itself to be a classic and keeping me company on two rounds through my CD player
• Finding gas that was 94.5 cents a litre
• Being able to tell the truth about something that was causing me a lot of anxiety and worry, and knowing that I could trust someone completely with things that were important and sensitive for me

Only 18 days of work left, in case anyone was counting. Toronto, here I come!

thoughts from 33,000 feet

Today I am grateful for:

• spending time by myself exploring a new neighborhood
• meeting new people that I find an easy and comfortable connection with
• friends who know me better than I give them credit for, and love me anyway
• sincerity (especially when it's least expected)
• having a sandal tan: proof that I'm not a crazy, albino loner andhave actually spent time in the sun this summer

I am on the way home from BC, weighed down with a small sense of impending doom (which seems dramatic, since going to work in the morning isn't nearly as horrible as I make it out to be). There is,however, something unappealing about being require to do something that I have no interest in doing, at a location that takes me far away from what I do want to be doing, at a time of the day that I would much rather be sleeping, with people who I don't particularly like(and some I have a hard time being civil to), all because I need to make 2000 dollars. It seems to me that there must be an easier way. And I mull over it too; I sit in bed and whine about having to get upin the morning. I get knots in my stomach when I think about having to spend another day of my life doing something that is boring. I knowthis about myself now – I absolutely hate being bored. This doesn't necessarily mean that I always have to be active. On the contrary, Ican happily spend half an hour, sitting quietly and reflecting, or an afternoon lying on a beach. I can waste away a day being quiet and inactive and self-absorbed, but when I'm FORCED to do something–anything- I immediately become resentful. I don't like traveling,because I'm not given a choice about sitting in one position for however many hours. I don't like school because I don't get to choose when I feel receptive to learning. And I don't like my job because I And I don't like my job because I feel a mixture of guilt and fear every time I dare to check my Gmailaccount to see if Steve has written to me yet. And yes, those emails are probably the only thing that keeps me alive, hour after hour at my desk doing nothing but answering the phone and filing mail and making envelope labels for people who are too lazy to do it for themselves.

But being in Toronto for the weekend made me feel really alive again.I felt like there were suddenly choices and opportunities and things to look forward to that I had never previously considered. I felt as though I could move to a little apartment in the Annex, and every day Iwould wake up not knowing if that day was going to be the day that my entire life changed. Every place I go could be where I end up meeting my life long best friend, where I could fall in love (or further in love, as the case may be), where I could make memories. It's cliché,but I love the idea of a fresh start. I'm excited about new furniture and new street names and a new route to class. I want new things to complain about and look forward to be and be anxious about at night-time before I fall asleep. Being in Toronto made me realize that growing up and getting closer to these huge goals that I've had for myself is a really exciting and fulfilling process. I feel like everything is finally just around the corner for me.

I know that the idea of Toronto is more romantic and carefree than the reality will be – I tend to create ideal scenarios in my mind and haven't been able to retrofit them to include reality. A summer in Kingston spending Saturday mornings at Chapters and walking the quiet,tree-lined streets at dusk with friends as we go out for a drink, working a restaurant job and making new friends, reading on the back porch and starting a garden turned into me living in a pig sty of a house with sticky floors and mould growing in the closet, not making enough money to meet rent, not having the time, energy or motivationto do fun things with friends and smelling like rotten tacos when I got home at night from work. I fled, for the ideal of Vancouver –rollerblading around the lake, grocery shopping with my mom andc ooking big, healthy meals, spending the weekends at the beach or downtown or on Vancouver Island. Reading, shopping, seeing theatre.What it has quickly turned into, however, is 50 hours a week of work, sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic in a car with no air conditioningfor two hours a day, sore feet, exhaustion, and packing little yogurts into my lunch bag every morning, day after day after day. I guess that my point is that I know Toronto isn't going to be the garden of eden that I probably am creating for myself in my head. But it becomes so easy to let go of that and settle into routine; easy to let the feeling that the whole world is out there collapse into the feeling that all there is are bills and work and laundry. I don't want to lose this excitement that I have – I need to make an effort to make not only mytime in grad school, but also make every day count for me. I want to explore, exercise, spend time with old friends and new ones, join a team, make my house feel like home, write in my journal, buy fresh cut flowers for myself once in a while. Because if I'm always looking forward to the next experience, fantasizing about how much better it will be than whatever it is that I am currently stuck in, than I'm going to end up 60 years old, and realize that I forgot to enjoy life.Maybe keeping this in mind will help me to enjoy my last 4 weeks in Vancouver, too – even with the 10 hours of commuting :D

This has turned into more of a ramble than I had originally intended.Still, I think it's good for me to be writing again. I have a lot of discourse and dialogue about a lot of topics that I think will be well worth exploring in the next few weeks. Sorry if I bored you with this one tonight. Something lighter might be in order, tomorrow, if my day puts me in a good enough mood.

One person was surveyed; the most popular answers are on the board

what time is it? 9:25 am
full name: Brianna Marie Johnson (and on a side note, a boyfriend in grade 8 once copied out a sonnet for me, and addressed it to Brianna Murrey Johnson)
age: 22
height: 5’4
weight: 137 lbs
eye color: Grey
hair color: Brown
skin color: Light
birthday: July 15, 1983
birthstone/sign: Ruby/Cancer
makeup or none?: It’s nice to look pretty, but I can survive without my lip gloss and mascara. When I was playing soccer in high school, I *never* wore make up
nationality: Canadian
school: Even though Queen’s still feels like home, I’m about to start my Masters degree at the University of Toronto

characteristics____x
devil or angel: I would like a bit more devil in me, but I’m generally all good
confrontational or let things slide: Let things slide. I’d rather bottle something up than risk hurting someone’s feelings
introverted or extroverted: Extroverted, with a strong need for alone time
aloof or concentrated: I don’t think I would ever choose either of these words for myself, but if I have to, I guess concentrated is the lesser of the two evils
are you one to take things seriously: If it’s necessary
very analytical of what others say: Less so than I used to be
do you think before you act: I’m impulsive in an “act now, consider the consequences later” sort of way
serious or comedic: both have their place and time
selfish or selfless: Selfless
do you consider yourself to be honest? I try really hard to be. Lying makes me feel sick inside.
describe yourself: Sunny, cheerful, optimistic, athletic; I wear my heart on my sleeve. Love animals, hoodies and hugs. I care a lot about family and having a place that feels like home.
how does your girlfriend/boyfriend feel about you?: Steve thinks that I have a big heart and a big head – he teases me a lot but I know that I’m important to him (because I make him tell me so :P)
how do you feel about yourself?: 95% of the time, I’m happy being who I am
describe your girlfriend/boyfriend?: Steve is stubborn, witty, careful to always make the right decision and is both the most intelligent and the most passionate person I’ve ever met. He has a really strong sense of self, and an exterior that doesn’t always betray how sensitive he is inside. In short, I’m absolutely fascinated (and often confused) by him
what would you rather be doing?: Curling up with my stuffed animal fat guts and taking a nap
describe where you live?: My home city always seems to be changing. Right now I’m living in Vancouver, one of my favorite places in the world. Everywhere I go, it’s green, green, green – and what’s not to love about the ocean?
describe how you love?: Easily and completely. My boyfriend would probably say that I love with too much heart and not enough head.
have a good sense of humor?: I have my own sense of humor (and Alana is the only one who gets it)
what did you have for breakfast this morning?: a pear. I was in a rush, and now my stomach is grumbly
what are you looking forward to?: Being finished with my job, moving to Toronto and finally being in the same city as Steve after spending 9 months in an LD relationshipany
major flaws?: Nothing that makes me so broken that I can’t be fixed!

favorites_________x
movie: Moulin Rouge, Sleepless in Seattle, Bend it Like Beckham, Shakespeare in Love, Big, Rain Man
television show: Dawson’s Creek, and I’m really starting to get hooked on 24
band: Oasis, The Rolling Stones, The Kinks, U2, The Beatles
actor: Tom Hanks
actress: Reese Witherspoon
food: Caesar salad, lasagna, garlic bread, strawberry-rhubarb pie
ice cream flavor: Strawberry
song: Tom Waits/Time, Rolling Stones/Roadhouse Blues, Jeff Buckley/Hallelujah, Everclear/Santa Monica
book: The Alchemist, Tuesdays with Morrie
number: 11
color: Raspberry
store: J.Crew, the Gap
animal: Orangutan
scent: Orange Blossoms, Fresh Laundry
album: Oasis/WTSMG?, The Beatles/Sgt. Pepper, Rolling Stones/Exile on Main Street
movie soundtrack: Moulin Rouge, Forrest Gump
season: Spring
t-shirt quote: Alana has a tee shirt from Abercrombie that says “incredible view”, and I absolutely LOVE it
holiday: I adore Christmas
school subject: In high school, I loved biology and math
random thing: Old-Standard Jazz music and children’s books, and I'm obsessed with the muppets (especially kermit)
thing to do on the 'net: Read random blogs, learning for fun on encarta.com, playing mah jong with Alana on zone.com
thing to say: “Do you know what I mean?”, “I’m SENsitive!”
car: Audi A4
favorite childhood memory?: being read to by my step dad before bed at night
favorite vacation?: I haven’t been on a lot of vacations, but I always loved going to our family cabin in Manitoba during the summer

this or that_______x
pepsi/coke: Pepsi (unlike my bigamist boyfriend, who chooses not to choose!)
cat/dog: Dog (cats and I have never gotten along)
real/fake: Real … imaginary is good, but I hate the word fake. Calling something fake makes it seem like it’s not valid
lust/love: Love – but lust is infectious and fun
tv/movies: Movies. I don’t really watch a lot of TV
hug/kiss: Hug
love/be loved: Love
night/day: Day
dark/light: Light
hot/cold: I *hate* being cold
silver/gold: Silver
taking pics/pics taken: Taking pics. I always look geeky in photographs
blonde/brunette: Brunette, of course!
good/evil: Good. I don’t know if people would take me seriously if I tried to pull off evil. But naughty, on the other hand...
sweet/sour: Sweet. I always used to make my best friend suck the sour layer off of fuzzy peaches before I ate them (I know, that’s probably really gross)
dl'ing music/buying music: I have a lot of respect for the album in its original form. If I want to check out a song, I’ll download it, but I’d always rather buy
indoors/outdoors: Outdoors. I hate artificiality
left/right: Left. It seems more original
living for the moment/future: I love the idea of the future
cell phone/regular phone: Regular phone. I don’t do technology (okay, okay - I own a cell phone. But there are some times when I would prefer not to be ALWAYS in touch with people)

friendship________x
are you popular? I don’t think popularity really means anything. I have a lot of people in my life that I care about, though
number of close friends? Really, REALLY close? 5 or 6
friend you talk to the most? Steve (does that count?)
friend you see the least? Adam Ford
friend you see the most? Alana (and over the summer, Lisa)
friend who goes to you for advice? Paul
friend who YOU go to for advice? Adam Say, always
ever made out with a friend? Yes. Many, many times. Next question.
best friend: Adam, Alana, Marcus
funniest friend: Jon T
ditziest friend: Nahri, for sure. And I love her for it. Also, Ted – for different reasons
most unfortunate friend: Adam, for being so unfortunately geeky that I can’t help but to love him
smartest friend: Marcus, Alex P
quietest friend: Kevin
loudest friend: Emily, Eip
longest lasting friend: Adam and Stephanie
prettiest friend: Alana!
cutest friend: my dog, Waldo
hottest friend: Steve :D

random__________x
what's the worst memory of your life: When I got lost at the Calgary Stampede at 2 in the morning. Throwing up on the soccer field during the provincial championships. Various memories to do with my dad that are too complicated to get in to
do you have any siblings: A brother, Regan  (20) and two sisters, Jessica  (12) and Hannah (9)
the funniest or most disgusting thing you had to do in a game of truth or dare: Eat a raw potato, start a conversation with a prostitute, skinny dip in a public lake (I REALLY hope my mom doesn’t read this)
do you like your name: No … too ‘80s’
what are your favorite boys/girls names: Avery, Madeleine, Lise / Benjamin, Sebastian, Oliver
when you dream, do you see yourself, or do you see through your own eyes: I see through my own eyes
do you have any phobias: snakes and needles
does glitter make you sick: I occasionally indulge in glitter :D
do you consider yourself to be a very sexual person: I consider myself to be healthy and happy in the sexual department, but I don't think I'm in the extreme range
what kind of shampoo / conditioner do you use: Pantene
what kind of body wash do you use: Oil of Olay
do you consider yourself to be spoiled: No, but sometimes I desperately wish I was, because it seems so much nicer than being scared about money (isn’t that horrible?)
what is your religion? I’m not sure, actually. I haven’t really settled anywhere and I’m not even sure if I want to
are you a big music freak: I love music
do you believe in love at first sight: In a way; I think that when you meet someone that you eventually fall in love with, you instinctively know that there’s something special about them
do you believe love can only happen once in a lifetime: No, and I don’t think that there’s one soul mate for every person. You can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways
do you believe in evolution: Of course – I’m a science girl
is there anything you really hate: Mean girls. I’m so intimidated by them
what are your views on plastic surgery: I think wrinkles and imperfections are what make people beautiful, although I might think differently when I’m 50
what are your views on drugs and alcohol: I don’t like how they make me feel and act, but I’m pretty tolerant in other people; if it doesn’t affect me, I don’t care
are you down with the spongebob craze: I’m REALLY resistant to crazes. I like to find my own thing
do you have any collections: I collect ugly key chains and am so proud of them
name a place you visit often: San Francisco, Calgary
do you think you're hot: I think I’m … nice. And approachable. But not hot, exactly
do you have any piercings: 2 holes in each ear
do you want any piercings: My belly-button, if I get skinny enough
what are your views on piercings: Not very attractive, as a rule
do you have a tattoo: No
do you want one or another one: I was actually giving it serious consideration – I’d want to get a 4-leaf clover somewhere discreet. It’s cool to think that your body is different than anyone one else’s because of a tattoo. The originality factor is great
share a few words of wisdom?: seek first to understand. If you can choose calm, be calm. If you can choose love, do so.
how often do you spend time online: I’m online whenever I’m bored and feel like bumming around. And since I’m in a long distance relationship, msn is our lifeblood
do you get along with your parents: My mom is my closest ally, and I’m starting to get to know my dad better, after a rough time when I was younger
how was your childhood: Average – ups and downs, but I was generally happy and involved
pets?: Dog (Waldo) and a boyfriend named Steve :P
feeling on politics: I waiver between right and left wing, depending on the issue
like hippies?: Love ’em
like thugs?: Don’t understand ‘em
like Punk rockers?: Real, genuine punk rockers (think NOT Avril) I have a lot of respect for. Pesudo-punks get on my nerves
like hXcers?: Whaaa?
like metal heads?: I’m a bit scared of them, but they always turn out to be really nice
like ravers?: Ravers are SO much cooler than I’ll ever be
like posers: Who likes posers? Nobody, I don’t think.
like goths: Nah – I can’t take them seriously
like hicks?: No, but they are generally the butt of my jokes with my ex-boyfriend, who lives in Tennessee
like racist people: No ... and I also don't like koreans ;)
like preps: Not ones that don’t seem comfortable with it
are you a virgin: No. Definitely not.
how's the weather?: Warm, but my office air-conditioning makes me feel like it’s a balmy 12 degrees below, day in and day out
do you like living: of course I do!
what do you want to be: a mother, a wife, a contributor, a listener, a friend, a role model
how was your day: I was awoken by the always pleasant boyfriend, sternly commanding “Heed, wake up” – so, it was usual. Thanks for asking.
what are you wearing: Office outfit – green skirt, white hoodie, white tank top
doing anything later: Sleeping, hopefully
tomorrow?: More of the same. Work is nothing if not monotonous
ever try to commit suicide: No

have you ever _______x
been in love? I've been in love, real love, twice (happily, one of these relationships is still going very, very strong)
kissed the same sex? Sure. More times than I care to admit, actually
seen your favorite band live? Some of them yes, some of them I’m still waiting on (or hoping that John Lennon will come out of hiding, and say “gotcha!”)
taken any kind of lessons? Piano, swimming, gymnastics, public speaking, soccer, art, dance, theatre
won any contests? No, but I obsessively enter any contest that I come across
cussed out your mom/dad? I called my mom a bitch yesterday, in response to her calling me a little fucker. I assume this counts
looked at the stars with a loved one? Yeah - we watched a meteor shower together, it was wild
wanted to kill someone? Only once, and I probably shouldn’t talk about it :P
hated someone? Hate is a pretty strong word
cheated on someone? Emotionally, I’ve cared about two people at once.

one, neither, or both____x
mom or dad: Mom
girl or boy: Boy!
gun or knife: neither
deaf or blind: neither, obviously
penis or vagina: :D
eyes or toes: Toes!
tongue or lip rings: Yuck
nipple or nose rings: A nose stud looks really good on some girls, but for me - neither
green or blue eyes: Blue
punk or thug: Punk!
date same or opposite sex: Opposite

first thing that comes to mind__x
fish: guts
fat: Rosie O’Donnell (Sorry, Rosie)
roast Beef: Arbys!
school: Excited
asshole: DEnnis Leary
poser: High School
slut: Sexy, in some circumstances
funk: Rhythm
drums: Animal from the muppets
dead: Poets Society
president Bush: Chimpanzee
America: Garbage
cactus: Arizona
peach: Pie

Me, my wrist and I

When I was in grade 11, I took an awkward fall during a soccer game and jammed my right wrist as I fell back on it. Not thinking too much about the injury, I taped it up and continued playing. A few weeks later, I noticed that I had a hard time playing badminton in gym class. One year after the fall, I still wasn't able to ride a bike because putting pressure on the palm of my hand caused a really awful pain sort of like hitting my funny bone. Now, 5 years later, I can't ride a bike, do pushups or play racket sports. And it finally occured to me today as I was inspecting my wrists and realizing that there was a bone sticking out of my right one that wasn't at all visible in my left, that I should make an appointment with my doctor while I'm in BC to see what's wrong.

After a bit of sleuthing on the mayo clinic's website, I matched my symptoms (to the last detail) to a scaphoid fracture, after reading the following:

"Many sports-related injuries to the upper extremity involve a fall onto an outstretched arm. The navicular or scaphoid is a small, kidney bean-shaped bone located in the wrist just below the thumb which may be fractured during such a fall. The athlete frequently treats the injury as a sprain or bruise. A fracture results in an interruption of the blood supply and, later, bone death or necrosis."

Yikes. Looks like my summer of swimming might be cut short. Or, alternately, I could just ignore the pain and pretend I didn't realize that something might be wrong. I'll update after my doctor's appointment - for now, I need sleep, and the morning wake up from the disgruntled boyfriend (who is demanding a SALARY for being my alarm clock on week days) comes in less than 7 hours.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith

Every girl, I would recon, at one point in her life has made a list of qualities that she desires in the perfect boyfriend (and as you grow up, it becomes 'the perfect man'). When I was younger (14 or so) I wanted someone who wasn't a sloppy kisser, would hold my hand in front of his friends and would care about the things I liked. When I was in high school, I wanted someone athletic who was nice to his family and would remember that I really liked slurpees. I'm sure by the time I'm 30, my standards will be simple enough to include "relatively attractive, doesn't smell and has a steady job". But as a girl, something that is always somewhere in the back of your mind is the last name. Not quite as important as a sense of humor, but definitely up there along with sports team allegiance and favorite band.

A girl grows up knowing that along with finding and marrying the right man someday (or woman, or whatever, etc) - she also has the option of a new last name. I remember being as young as 5, and carefully printing out the name "Brianna Wheeler" on the inside of my notebook, inspecting it to see how it looked. Since David Wheeler, the blond hair, freckled boy who sat next to me in music had already asked me to marry him, I thought it was only appropriate. I would practice my new signature with my friends in junior high, because when you're in love for the first time, you ALWAYS think that it's going to last forever (because why would you ever want to leave the captain of the soccer team?). And I don't think this is unique to me - it's a widespread girl phenomenon.

My point, however, is that a bad last name doesn't bode well for an otherwise decent guy. For example, my mom fell in love and was engaged to Michael Dix, an englishman with two sons (one named Harry ... yes, I'm serious. Harry Dix). If they had gotten married, it would have been the Young-Dix wedding. And even more applicably, my ex-boyfriend (bless his heart, but still) had the last name Minshall, which I absolutely HATED. Don't ask me why, but the thought of going through life as Brianna Minshall made me buggy. It sounded so harsh! It's not to say that his last name is the reason it didn't work out between us, but there was nothing appealing about it. I guess when you have a last name like Johnson, you're eager to trade it in for something better -not eager in a Mary Anne Heppler kind of way, but still looking forward to it-. That's why my friend Max Summerlee and I had a good deal going: I would use him for his last name, and he would use me for my airline passes. Now there's a good deal if I ever heard of one.

And while we're on the subject of relationships, how many people out there have back ups? The tried and true friend who you've always had a little thing for, who you make a pact with along the lines that the two of you will get married if neither of you has found someone by the time you're, say, 30. I don't remember who mine is (although I think I've made a deal with Adam, at some point), but I DO remember a boy in high school who, we discovered at a sleepover, was the back up for 7 girls. We all 'dumped' him the next day.

Ahhh high school. I'm glad I'm not that inmature anymore ;)
Please forgive this indulgant dip back into puppy-love teenagerhood. Sometimes being an adult in a logical adult relationship isn't as much fun as being 16 and thinking you've found the one.

Celebration of Bugs

The opening night of Vancouver's biggest summer event, the "Celebration of Light" kicked off last evening in amazing style. The international fireworks competition got its start at 10:00 pm with Canada's performance, and will be followed by Sweeden on saturday, China next wednesday and the finale the following saturday. Last night more than 350,000 people lined up shoulder to shoulder at Kits Beach and English Bay (the downtown beach) to watch the 1/2 hour show, which was lit from a barge 500m away from shore. 350,000. I need to emphasize this point to you because I don't think it can be adequately stressed. When people talk about how big SARS-Stock was, and how the entire downtown core was sectioned off in TO a few summers ago, that's the same density that was lining up on a beach last night. It's an absolutely incredible sight to see (and the traffic is AWFUL).

This year, my mom and I decided to drive up to the North shore to watch the show from across the inlet. We picked up my brother and his girlfriend, drove out to the swankiest part of Vancouver and hiked down to the beach.


After parking ourselves (and after several failed attempts at trying to use my knees as a tripod to steady my camera) the show started. And you know what? It was really, REALLY small. I'm not usually one to claim that size matters, but in this case it was SO disappointing. When you go and see fireworks, you want them to explode in your chest. You want to lie down on the beach with the sand between your toes and watch the entire sky above you light up. You want to hold hands with someone you love and be reminded of how special they are. Case in point: here is a picture of the show last night, undoubtably taken from the English Bay beach.

Yeah - it's pretty spectacular. Like, it's actually the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and definitely worth the crowds. And just for comparison, here's a picture of a particularly large one that I took from our vantage point across the inlet.



















Pretty impressive, huh? That's what I thought. And in the end, my knees DID end up making a decent tripod (and of course in the set up, my brother casually mentioned that a girl or two had called him "tri-pod" in the past... thanks, Regan. I REALLY wanted to know that). But the punchline of my story is this: while we were sitting on the log, enjoying the show (as pictured below)

It so happened that I was attacked by a vicious storm of mosquitoes, and I wasn't even aware of it. In fact, I spent the entire night bragging about the fact that mosquitoes didn't bite me. I NEVER got bitten. I was motherfucking bite imMUNE.

And then, this afternoon, I happened to look down at my leg and was horrified to see this:
Gross, hey? And well worth it, if you'll refer to my spectacular shot above.

I'll write a more detailed entry later - I'm sailing (well, on a BC ferry) over to Vancouver Island tomorrow right after work and expect the ferries to be NUTS (almost like the high way to cottage country will be in Ontario). I'm gonna get there early, stake out a seat by the window, and blog my little heart out. Another weekend is almost upon us!

Fat Guts Gets Poked

Steve and I just got off the phone, after having had a conversation about the insanity of his friend Jon's mom (and I hope, now, that Jon will never lay eyes on this blog. Sorry, Jon, but your mom is scary). Steve mentioned that Jon's girlfriend must really adore him, because having a family like that would be hard to handle. I agreed - when you date someone seriously, and moreso when you make a commitment to another person, you're inadvertantly making a commitment to their family. As awful, wonderful or creepy as they are (honestly - who stays up until 3am just to make sure that their 25 year old son is tucked in?) - they become yours.

This just in. My family is WEIRD. I came home after a long day of work, and 4 hours later (I'm SO out of it), noticed the following scene taking place on my pillows:












In case you aren't familiar with the usual suspects, this here is a picture of Seth the Sloth (my beloved beanie baby) taking the anal virginity of Fat Guts, the long-distance representation of my boyfriend Steve. Fat Guts doesn't appear to be complaining about getting 'tail from a Sloth - he is quite comfortable stretched out with his face pressed into my pillow. My stuffed animals are big sluts and my mom is a total nut.

So I was thinking that this might be Steve's clue to start taking baby steps away from me and my filthy family. I can't imagine Marilyn Johns ever sneaking into Steves room and setting up lewd and suggestive poses of the Randy Moss and Daunte Culpepper figurines on Steve's bed. But then I remembered that my quote unquote 'normal' boyfriend prefers to pose for pictures in the following manner:












And I decided that he's probably not so normal after all. Look at how his little nose peeks out from his teeshirt! I think I'll keep him.

And yes, I'll write a normal entry, eventually.

To strive, to seek, to find and not to yield

I am rereading some of my favorite poems from when I was young. I used to say them out loud to myself, let the words play on my tongue as though they were composed of something tactile. I was so moved by it. I don't consider myself unique in this respect -- poetry in its creation speaks to a common need to understand/represent/beauitify the human experience. Loving poetry doesn't make me cool; but I do find in it something that I can't get anywhere else. Some sort of satisfaction. Some sense of knowing. One of my favorite poems is by Tennyson, called 'Ulysses'. I've posted the first and last sections below, mostly for myself, but if you love poetry as much as I do, then for you, as well.

It little profits that an idle king,
By this still hearth, among these barren crags,
Matched with an aged wife, I mete and dole
Unequal laws unto a savage race,T
hat hoard, and sleep, and feed, and know not me.
I cannot rest from travel: I will drink
Life to the lees: all times I have enjoyed
Greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone; on shore, and when
Through scudding drifts the rainy Hyades
Vest the dim sea: I am become a name;
For always roaming with a hungry heart
Much have I seen and known; cities of men
And manners, climates, councils, governments,
Myself not least, but honoured of them all;
And drunk delight of battle with my peers;
Far on the ringing plains of windy Troy.

I am part of all that I have met;
Yet all experience is an arch wherethrough
Gleams that untravelled world, whose margin fades
For ever and for ever when I move.
How dull it is to pause, to make an end,
To rust unburnished, not to shine in use!
As though to breath were life. Life piled on life
Were all to little, and of one to me
Little remains: but every hour is saved
From that eternal silence, something more,
A bringer of new things; and vile it were
For some three suns to store and hoard myself,
And this gray spirit yearning in desire
To follow knowledge like a sinking star,
Beyond the utmost bound of human thought.

....

Come, my friends,
'Tis not too late to seek a newer world.
Push off, and sitting well in order smite
The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds
To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths
Of all the western stars, until I die.
It may be that the gulfs will wash us down:
It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles,
And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.
Though much is taken, much abides; and though
We are not now that strength which in the old days
Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are,
One equal-temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

- A.L.T.

Random Adventures in Photoblogging

Random Adventures in Photoblogging

Instead of posting a long winded update and considering that, at 2:53 in the morning the night is no longer young, I'm posting some random pictures taken over the last few days. Keep in mind that I've done NOTHING interesting and have a limited number of subjects to work with in my apartment. Nonetheless, I think the following pics explain my life in Vancouver better than I would ever be able to.

Other than that, I have NOTHING to say tonight that doesn't involve closing my eyes and mumbling in a way that might be understood as "blahblahblah", or "duuuuuuh", so I'll save the intellectual garble for tomorrow, and try to net myself some sleep

One Final Note: I don't ever use the word garble ... but you wanna know who does? A boy in grade 8 who had a crush on me, and wrote a letter to me that included the line, "this emotional garble is ruining hour after hour of our happiness together". Priceless. I can't believe I used to be a catch :D

One FINAL FINAL Note: I really need to write about the football game and football in general. Hold me to it - I've got a lot on my mind.

Regan and Fel

Regan and Fel
Originally uploaded by heybreezy.

My brother, in the shirt I bought him for his birthday (which turned out to be a big SCORE - he loves it) and his girlfriend of almost 3 years, Felicia

Orange football

Orange football
Originally uploaded by heybreezy.

This is my prize - a football that I climbed over seats, elbowed a guy in the head and begged the subway guy for. I actually went so far as to gravel to him in exchange for this sucker; I was DETERMINED. So much so, that when the Lions scored a touch down and the football guys came to our section, I screamed at my mom, "show them your tits!". And you thought I had class. Ha!

Waldo asleep

Waldo asleep
Originally uploaded by heybreezy.

My dog Waldo, who I freaking LOVE, sleeping on my bed this afternoon

Steve (???)

Steve (???)
Originally uploaded by heybreezy.

My cute boyfriend, who wasn't in the mood to have his picture taken. So I took one anyway

Cindee on the balcony

Cindee on the balcony
Originally uploaded by heybreezy.

This is my mom on the balcony last night, before her hot date with Bill (future lover? Soulmate? Who knows - she's seeing him again tomorrow night!)

Fat Guts

Fat Guts
Originally uploaded by heybreezy.

This is a picture of Fat Guts, the monkey that I bought to sleep with at night when I miss Steve (I created him in Steve's honour, complete with (shudder) a T.M.L. hoodie. Gag me :D)

back yard shot

Back Yard
Originally uploaded by heybreezy.

This is a panoramic picture that Regan took from our balcony

Four Years in Review

FOUR YEARS IN REVIEW

Class that I attended the most: Drama 237/238 (acting). If you skipped, you got thrown out of the course. Talk about incentive!

Class that I attended the least: Psychology 100. I didn't go in second term. Ever.
Runners up: Art History 110, French 100, Drama 306 (Canadian theatre)

Addresses that I lived at:
1. G20 Chown Hall
2. 295B William Street
3. 41 Toronto Street
4. 132-1 Earl Street
5. 294 Barrie Street

Best A&P Snack to buy at 2:00 am for all-night study marathons: bulk peach rings

Best songs to listen to while working at a Texas Grill:
- "Prop Me Up Beside the Jukebox When I Die"
- "No Shoes, No Shirt, No Problem"
- "All My Ex's Live in Texas"

Surprise band that I am now a fan of thanks to said Texas Grill: Blue Rodeo

Best Summer Job: Head Gael (running a four day party and being paid 7000 to do it)

Worst Summer Job: Working at said Texas Grill

Amount of furniture that we fit into Alana's jeep during the summer after first year: one magiker bookshelf, three aneboda dressers and potentially a robin night table

Number of people I know, other than myself, who have pet names for their furniture: 1

Number of Flooded Basements due to Torrential Rain: 2 (oh MAN was that a mess)

Best Class: Drama 216, Musical Theatre. Most of our mark was based on a 30 minute presentation in which we were required to 'sell' a new musical. We outlined the plot, sang three songs and acted one scene. My group's choice? "Back to the Future: The Musical" (wouldn't that be cool?)

Worst Class: Canadian Studies 200. I'm not kidding - it was a beast. I didn't understand the professors, I hated the material and I hated the 3 hour night class each week. I have never had to motivate myself so much to get through anything as I did that year-long course.

Most Interesting House Memories:
- the theft of a random canoe, of the William/Aberdeen sign, of tulips from other people's gardens, of the virginities of high school students (not me, I swear!)
- Eating Nona sauce
- All nighters, puzzle parties, intentional cock-blocking, American Idol, the great Degu chase, the great garbage haul, our pet raccoon who ate popcorn

Housemates who I have heard having sex:
1. Natalie, who would moan loud enough that we would hear it over top of watching 'Friends' in the living room
2. Emily, who got such good tail that it was shaking the support beams in the basement, three floors below
3. Alana, who couldn't keep quiet (even though music was playing in her room, and in my room across the hall where I was working)
4. Josh ... did Josh ever have sex?
5. Dom, whose bed banged up against the wall that my desk was on. Apparently I wasn't the only one up at 3:00 am

Best Lines Exchanged Between Alana and I:
Alana: I'm from Oakville, I'm ignorant (first year, said to Marcus's jewish lab partner who walked into Alana's room to find us drawing a big jewish face in MS Paint on her computer, who we had named "Sol" and found a yamaka for)

Brianna: Don't worry about it ... like, no big deal, but if you have a second could you pull over? I'm about to throw up (while driving on the 401 in her dad's BMW)

House Rule that No One Followed but me: No sex in the shower

Best Restaurant meal: Woodenheads' Sorrento Pizza
Runner Up: The Copper Penny's Wild Mushroom Skillet

Best Place to feel really, really popular on a Friday night: The QP

A Bar that I've never been to: MyBar
A Restuarant I've never been to: Chien Noir
A Restaurant I've been to far too many times: Woodenheads

A Place Where Everybody Knows my Name: Send In the Clowns (the little old couple that owned the store were so nice that I couldn't help but to stop in and say hi every time I was in town)

Best Roadtrip: With Alana and Regan into Washington to try and find a crepe maker (success!)
Runner Up: With Marcus to see the Flames play the Leafs from the third row of the ACC
Runner Up: With Steve to Detroit, where I experienced both "Phantom of the Opera" and a crazy crack addict on the same day
Runner Up: The 7-hour drive into Northern BC with Marcus in order to go camping for one night (and the discovery of the Billy Goat trail)
Runner Up: To Montreal, with 400 Gaels that I was supposed to be in charge of

Best Musical Event: Seeing Hairspray with Steve and playing the "will I or won't I hold your hand" game that makes your stomach flutter and your palms sweat

Best Walkhome Partner: Steve Johns, on the 223 Nelson to Wallace Hall walk in which the conversation was entirely dominated between myself and said partner
Runner Up: Adam Say, who makes me laugh like no one else is able to that I wish the shift was twice as long

Best Orientation Memory: Too many to name! LFO night playing "Who-ah", playing touch football on the camping trip, the moment after the semi formal when I realized it was over (and couldn't stop crying), monday martinis with Lindsay Hardy

Worst Orientation Memory: Picking up our personalized, custom made and hand tailored yellow tuxedo jackets (which cost almost 1000 dollars) and realizing that the wrong names had been screened onto the back of ALL of them. I almost threw my desk chair at the print shop employee.

Best group of femininists to hang out with when I want to learn about alternatives to tampons: the cast of the Vagina Monologues (we had a mandatory menstruation WORKSHOP)

Saddest Moment: Finding out that my dog and best friend Polo had been put to sleep in Vancouver, just 1 week after I was home visiting for Frosh Week recovery

Happiest Moment: Finding out that I got Head Gael. I can't compare it to anything I've ever experienced before - I thought that my legs were going to fall out from underneath me.

Scariest Moment: Being hit by a dive-bombing bat in Theological Hall
Runner Up: When we found the ghetto bug in my closet on Toronto Street and were so scared that we called our housemate Josh in Ottawa to come and kill it for us

Roomate stolen by a Gang of Korean-Christians that I miss the most: Nahri Chi
Stolen (or "kept") article of Nahris clothing: black gap tank top
Best Nahri Memory: When she came home trashed, high and covered in vomit at 8am on the day we were supposed to move out of residence and she hadn't started packing yet
Runner Up: The moment she realized that she had purchased SO MUCH clothing since coming to Kingston that some had to be stored outside of our room in the hallway, locked in her HUGE red suitcases

Places that will always hold specific meaning to me:- The window table at Ban Righ cafeteria
- Wallace Hall (the choice study locale on campus)
- The Walkhome kiosk
- 244 Earl Street (where, in 3 years of dating one of its inhabitants, I probably slept 10 times, even though we spent every night together. Marcus's house was a HOLE)
- Jeffrey Hall (home of the Gael Interviews, and therefore 300 hours of my life)
- Tindall Field (where I watched a meteor shower with friends in first year)
- Grant Hall (home of the my Frosh Week speech)
- Traymoor Street (my place of work for almost two years with the crazy, crazy children I took care of)
- Bearance's Foods (the grocery store with the best fresh cut meats in Kingston)

Most Ironic Discovery: That current love-of-my-life Steve Johns didn't hire me for SOAR when I was in second year. In fact, he didn't even give me an interview :O

Number of boys I kissed: 3 (well - 3 that MEANT something)
Best Male Kisser: Steve Johns
Best Female Kisser: Alan the Italian Stallion (ummmm...)
Best Gay Kisser: Jon Metrick
Person I Wish I kissed: Grant Bishop


Places/People I will want to visit in 25 years: Chown Hall, the new Head Gael, Theological Hall ... I'm a simple girl, with simple pleasures!

Biggest Regret: No regrets, right? I regret that I spent first year in hiding (it sounds so cliche - 'I wish that I got involved right away'! I regret that I didn't have a real floor in first year; being on a pseudo floor made the three of us feel really lonely. I regret not trying out for the soccer team ... and god damn, if I could do it all over again, I would drag my ass out of bed and get to class. Other than that, the four years were wonderful. My whole life was wrapped up in that school and I am finding it difficult to unwravel myself and rediscover what's important to me outside the boundaries of Union and Princess, Wellington and Victoria. Four years wrapped up into one, neat little blog entry - who would have thought?

reflections on life in Vancouver

today (well, tomorrow if you count by sleeps) marks the one-week anniversary of my arrival back in Vancouver. Back home, although the concept takes on a new meaning when you're in your 20s and constantly uprooting and resettling your life. For now, I've got a bed, a place to store my laptop (the window-sill), some closet space in my mom's closet (she did a big spring cleaning) and a shelf to put my shoes on. I've got a dog to cuddle with, hundreds of cable channels and healthy home cooking. In all of these senses, everything is fantastic. I really, REALLY love being here.

Despite the fact that I feel safe and nested for the first time in quite a while, I've been in a constant state of unrest about a bunch of stuff, most of which is too mundane to really get into. Jobs for the remainder of the summer, what I'm going to do next year, paying off my debts, thinking about what I want from my future, how I'm going to afford to get there -- these are the types of things that become monsters to me. They weave and spin around in my head until I can't make sense of them anymore and I feel like crawling into bed until the world decides on an appropriate solution for me. The consensus so far? The world doesn't always work like that. So it's my goal this summer to redefine my goals. Figure out what I really want from the next couple of years, and develop a good plan. I want to work on my body and my mind (lots of reading and writing!) and my relationships with my family (*coughdadcough*). I want to figure out what I believe in. I hate being 22 and idealistic (Steve would probably point out that I'm not 22 for another 9 days, but I digress).

Ah - the upcoming birthday. Requisite phone calls from distant family members. Having my little Ukrainian grandparents sing "happy birthday" to me in their sweet, out of tune voices over the phone. Dinner with mom and Regan. Requisite dinner with my dad. It stops getting excited about about 13, doesn't it? Birthdays are a real sore spot for me. I had my last birthday party when I was 12, and since then (10 years!) I've tried not to tell people about it, not to make a big deal about it, not to expect any sort of celebration for it ... then I won't be disappointed if no one remembers, or if no one makes a big deal, or if we don't celebrate. And I like it that way. Maybe being at home for my birthday will be different; my mom and I can have a nice day together. But if it's not, I won't worry about it. There are always more birthdays to look forward to :D

This wasn't supposed to be a bummer post - but considering my recent lack of updates, the fact that I've got anything posted at all is a minor accomplisment in itself. Stay tuned for more episodes of my West Coast installment - I promise you, I'm figuring it all out. After all, I can't be an angsty teenager forever, can I?